"All Bad Things...."

By Bob Hutchinson (UCSBDad)
Copyright 2001

This was the post announcing the UCSBdad fanfic challenge.

Now, TPTB have told us that the end of season three is going to be BAD. Messy. Nasty. Un-shippy even. Now how can we best handle this? If we're prepared for the worst, the very worst we can imagine, when episode 322 is finally over, the worst that we will be able to say is that our expectations have been met. And, if our imaginations are sufficient, we can all let out a sigh of relief and say, "That wasn't so bad."

So here's the UCSBdad fanfic challenge. Write the worst ending for season three that you can imagine. If we have some truly sadistic fanfic writers out there, (whose income doesn't depend on anyone paying for their stuff), we can approach the end of season three knowing that we already KNOW the worst that can happen to our beloved Farscape.

It was a dark and stormy night. John crawled across the floor of the tiny cabin. His mind wandered back to how he and Aeryn had come to such a place to die.

"The frelling wormhole." He said under his breath. Yes, after cycles of trying to create a stable wormhole, one had opened right in front in Moya and Talyn. The next thing they had known, they were headed straight for Earth.

Pilot had screamed, "Moya is very frightened." No dren. They were caught in Earth's gravity and Moya couldn't starburst herself out of it and Talyn wouldn't leave his mommy.

Somehow, they had managed to pry Pilot out of Moya, but then disaster struck. Pilot's seat belt was stuck. John had managed to cut through the belt and then disaster struck again.

"Why didn't Pilot tell me about the airbags in his console." John had sobbed. What happens to a Pilot when he's hit full force by an airbag isn't pretty.

The remainder of the crew had managed to get into a pod and escape to Earth. Jool had been the first to go.

She had been propositioned in New York. She started her metal melting scream, not realizing she was standing on a manhole cover. She had fallen through and been eaten by an albino alligator who lived in New York's infamous sewers.

Pip had been next. She had decided to try to pass for human as a very Goth teenager. "I tried to tell her about the mind numbing boredom of high school." John had sobbed. Poor mindless Pip. She just smiled and attended every spirit rally as if it were significant.

D'Argo. D'Argo. Sure he wanted to be a farmer. Most little farm towns were so happy to have someone move in, rather than move out, that no questions were asked. Sure, no problems with buying land, buying seed, getting fertilizer and irrigation pipe. "No one told D'Argo about the Department of Agriculture bureaucracy." John had sobbed. Being paid for not growing crops had driven the simple farmer D'Argo around the bend.

Little Rygel. The poor little fool wouldn't believe that Santa Claus was a myth. He saw a jolly man in red giving away things and had to get more than his share. Two frazzled mothers had seen what they had thought was a "Tickle Me Oscar" doll and torn the little fellow in half.

Stark. Stark. Stark. They had last seen him in the vegetable aisle of the Piggly Wiggly in Akron. "Zhaan's here. I can sense her spirit." He had screamed.

Crais had lasted longest. Looking human he had blended in better than any of the others. "If he just hadn't walked into that leather bar just as it was being attacked by radical vegans." John had sobbed. Crais had sacrificed himself so others could live and wear leather. Oh sure, John had tried to get Aeryn to wear a nice lacy teddy to be on the safe side, but she refused.

Now, John and Aeryn were surrounded by the dreaded "Mounties" after having made a break to Canada. Below them John could see his so called friends, Larry, Moe and Curly eating huge pizzas and guzzling Mexican beer. "Frelling NAFTA." Muttered John. "They should be drinking Moosehead."

Suddenly a form dropped behind Aeryn Sun and pressed a gun to her head. "Give it up, Crichton." Said a male voice.

"Shoot him, John. Don't worry about me." Screamed Aeryn.

John lowered his pulse pistol. "Sorry, Aeryn. I'm tired of running." He turned to the man holding Aeryn". "Look, a human isn't worth much to you guys. How about I just hand Aeryn over to you and let you experiment with her to your heart's content?"

Agent Mulder thought it over. "Will you take Scully off of my hands?"

John grinned and nodded and walked off with the red headed agent. Behind him he could hear Aeryn screaming curses at him as she was hauled off.

"Sorry, Aeryn. Everybody knows I like blondes. But I'll take a red head if I have to."