The Nutcracker Sweetie

By Bob Hutchinson (UCSBDad)
Copyright 2001

Disclaimer: I'm sure Pytor Illych Tchaikowsky wrote Farscape and really owns this. Time: Christmas, but of course. Rating: It doesn't get more G than this. Archiving: At the North Pole, of course.

Once upon a time, long, long ago and in a galaxy far, far, away, lived a little girl named Aeryn Sun. Aeryn lived happily in a magic kingdom. No! Not that magic kingdom. Disney really would sue me for this. Anyway, Aeryn lived with her family on a lovely planet where nothing bad ever happened.

And now, it's Christmas on Aeryn's happy world and little Aeryn is all dressed up in a black leather Empire-waisted gown and looks very grown up. All around, her parent's friends wish each other a Very Merry Christmas and the Happiest of New Years. Mother Sun has put out the choicest food and drink for their guests and Father Sun has put up a truly huge Christmas tree. Under the tree were heaps of presents for Aeryn's family and friends.

"Look!" Cried Aeryn's little brother Bialar. "It's Uncle Durkameyer. I just love the presents he gives us.

"Big frelling deal!" Grumped Aeryn. "Last Christmas I got a PK Barbie doll from him. I mean she's a frelling nurse who puts cooling rods in the heads of guys with leather fixations."

Uncle Durkameyer saw the two and came over to them, with a huge smile on his face and his one eye lit up, well, like a Christmas tree. Over his shoulder was a huge sack of toys.

"Hello, children." Said the merry Uncle Durkameyer. "Merry Christmas to you."

Little brother Bialar jumped up and down with joy. "Do you have a present for me, Uncle Durkameyer?"

Uncle Durkameyer just smiled and opened the sack. From deep within it he took a model of a Command Carrier and gave it to little Bialar.

"Oh boy!" The little tyke screamed. "A Command Carrier."

Uncle Durkameyer opened his sack and gave little Bialar a set of toy Peacekeeper Commandos, then a toy Prowler and a toy Marauder and finally a Gammack Base play set. Bialar was overjoyed.

"Do you have anything for me?" Aeryn said softly. Uncle Durkameyer obviously hadn't noticed the look in Aeryn's eyes.

Uncle Durkameyer smiled and removed something from his sack and handed it to Aeryn.

"Um, what is it?" Said the puzzled Sebacean girl. In her hands was a Sebacean male doll. But he was dressed like no Peacekeeper Aeryn had ever seen. He wore a bright orange jumpsuit with tiny patches on it. On the shoulder was some sort of red and white device with stars on it. On his chest was, "IASA", in tiny letters she could just barely read, in spite of having excellent vision. She even noticed he wore white socks.

"It's a human nutcracker. You put a nut in his mouth and push down and the nut is opened for you to eat." Said Uncle Durkameyer.

"Oh! That'd be real useful if I were a Hynerian and had to worry about food all of the time." Aeryn grumped.

"Thank Uncle Durkameyer, Aeryn." Said Aeryn's mother, who had snuck up behind her.

"Thank you, Uncle Durkameyer." Said the young girl sullenly.

"I'm sure you'll love it." Teased her brother Bialar. "I'll bet it's a magic nutcracker, and it'll take you all over the Universe and have all sorts of adventures."

Aeryn smiled at her brother and made a mental note to herself to re-arrange his face as soon as possible

Aeryn tossed the nutcracker under the tree, not doing enough damage to it to cause any reaction from SACC.

Aeryn forgot about her present from Uncle Durkameyer and spent the rest of the party arm wrestling with anyone foolish enough to take her on.

Late that night, Aeryn was awoken by sounds from downstairs. Could someone be breaking into the Sun house? Could it be Tavleks? Zenatian pirates? Maybe even a Scarren?

Aeryn crept from her bed and headed downstairs. The Christmas presents remained stacked under the tree. Aeryn passed by too quickly to notice that one was missing. She crept forward and decided that the noise was coming from the kitchen. She peeked around a corner and saw three intruders with their heads in the refrigerator.

"Watch it, Larry." Said one.

"Pass the ham." Said another. Suddenly one of the intruders pulled back from the refrigerator. He was huge and furry and had long, razor sharp fangs. He took a long loaf of bread, a wheel of cheese and a large ham and rapidly cut them up with a claw. He neatly shuffled them together until he had a dozen sandwiches ready. Suddenly, he spotted Aeryn.

"Hi, would you like a sandwich, miss?" He said politely.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my house? "Aeryn replied coldly.

One of the other beings backed out of the refrigerator. Perched on his nose was a small, gray being who was rapidly devouring a cheesecake. He swallowed and spoke to Aeryn. "We're supposed to be here. I'm the Rat King and these are my minions. We're here for the start of your adventures through out the Universe."

"You aren't a rat." Said Aeryn. "And neither are those three eating machines with you."

"King, Dominar, President for Life." The tiny being shrugged, "You take whatever gigs you an get. The real rats left with Uncle Durkameyer. They said they felt more comfortable with him. I picked up these three because they work cheap."

The three furry beings were hard at work cleaning out the refrigerator. "Hey! I said dibs on the Tim Tams." One said around a mouthful of food.

"Are you guys ready?" Came a voice from behind Aeryn. She whirled around, only to find it was her nutcracker. But now he was her size. Perhaps even a little taller. He was not bad looking, but white socks?

"Are you responsible for letting these beings raid my parents refrigerator?" Aeryn asked, with more than a little chill in her voice.

"No," Said the nutcracker. "I just told them to be ready to go at a microt's notice. I didn't tell them to help themselves to the food."

"You didn't tell us not to," The tiny being said triumphantly. The three furry beings nodded their heads vigorously in agreement.

The human nutcracker looked at some sort of obsolete time keeping mechanism on his wrist. "Look, we're burning daylight. If we're going to have adventures in the Universe, we have to get going."

Aeryn glared at him. "If you think I'm going anywhere with some frelling human nutcracker, youâre out of your frelling mind."

"Okay. You just stay here and explain to you mom and dad that a Rat King and his three minions broke in here and emptied the refrigerator." John, for that was the nutcracker's name, smirked.

"Oh, frell." Was all Aeryn could say.

John jumped on the back of the youngest vorlag, for that is what these furry, but valiant, beings are.

Aeryn reached down and took the hem of her nightgown and pulled it up over her head, revealing that she was wearing a pair of tight black leather pants and a black tee. John responded with a long, low whistle.

"Where are we going?" Aeryn asked.

"Through the wormhole." Replied John. Sure enough, a wormhole opened up right in front of them. The three vorlags sped through it with their riders.

On the other side of the wormhole was a strange sight. A huge being, wearing a pair of white tights and a tutu, above which was a massive, tattooed chest with two rings set into his clavicles. Long tentacles hung down from his head.

"Howdy," Said John. "Who are you?"

"The Sugar Plum Fairy," he replied, "and if you laugh, I'll go into a hyper rage and bust your head."

But it was too late. John, Aeryn, the Rat King and the vorlags all laughed.

The being roared and rushed at our heroes, for they are our heroes, in a hyper rage. John quickly opened another wormhole so they could escape.

They found themselves back in Aeryn's house, right in front of the Christmas tree. Standing in front of the tree, holding a package up and shaking it vigorously was a young girl.

"What the frell are you doing? Who the frell are you?" Growled Aeryn.

The girl spun around. "Me?" She smiled, and put the package she'd been shaking down and pushed it away from herself with one foot. "Uh, I'm the Snow Queen. Yeah, that's who I am. The Snow Queen."

"Are you sure?" Said the Rat King. He didn't like sharing the stage with other royalty.

"If you're the Snow Queen, why are you gray instead of white?" Asked John reasonably.

"She's blue." Opined the youngest vorlag.

"I'm white, with black eye makeup. It's symbolic, see? On the outside, I'm black and white, but really, I'm shades of gray. I'm an alien, fer chrissakes!" Said the young girl.

"What were you doing with that package?" Aeryn asked again.

"I was just making sure it was okay. I had nothing else to do while waiting to show up for your adventures." The girl replied.

"You're part of our adventure?" Said John.

Just then the sound of a Luxan in hyper-rage came to our hero's ears.

"Okay," said John decisively, "you mount up behind the Rat King. Let's ride."

Aeryn wasn't happy about being left out of the decision making, but had no choice as her mighty vorlag mount headed through the wormhole John had opened.

Once the wormhole closed, they were faced with a strange creature whose face was half covered with a metallic mask. The being turned and began singing.

Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation . . .

Darkness stirs and wakes imagination . . .

Silently the senses, abandon their defenses . . .

Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendor . . .

Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender . . .

Turn your face away from the garish light of day,

Turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light -

And listen to the music of the night . . .

John softly applauded, breaking the being's concentration.

"Hello," He says, turning to the newcomers. "Have you seen my love, Christine Zhaan?"

John looked at the others, who shake their heads.

"I must find her. It is my quest." Said the metal-pated man.

Again, character development is interrupted by the sound of a Luxan in full hyper-rage approaching.

"Let's went, Cisco." Said the youngest vorlag, displaying his knowledge of Earpisms.

John motioned to Stark, for it is he, who mounts up behind Aeryn.

John opens yet another wormhole to escape the Luxan and our heroes depart..

Stark rapidly dismounts and walks towards the blue lady they find at the end of the wormhole.

"Zhaan! Is that you?" Cries Stark.

"We're you expecting maybe Billie Holiday?" She replies.

"What are you doing here, my love."

"I'm a veggie, so I get to do The Waltz of the Flowers." Answers Zhaan.

Before Stark can offer to be her partner, the polite young Vorlag, Curly, gracefully bows and offers Zhaan his arm. Zhaan accepts and they begin to dance. Unfortunately, as everyone knows, vorlags have two left feet, being quadrupeds. Curly proves this by stepping on poor Zhaan's toes every other beat. But Zhaan is saved by the approaching sounds of a hyper-raging Luxan. There is a brief debate as Stark insists that Zhaan ride with him, which puts Aeryn on Curly with John. Both males appreciate this.

Once through the wormhole, everyone puts their hands over their ears to protect them from the metal melting scream that assaults their ears.

"Jool!" Screamed John. "Put a sock in it."

"Too late, John." Said a familiar evil voice.

"Sorry, John. I tried to warn you about him." Said lovely Joolushko.

"I'm afraid that I, and my evil minion, Lt. Braca, will have to remove your brain for the wormhole data in contains." Quoth Scorpius.

"You and what Army?" Said Aeryn, moving in front of John. Hey, she may be an alien, but they are a couple.

Both Braca and Scorpius laughed uproariously at the sight of the young Sebacean girl daring to threaten them. They laughed until a hyper-raging Luxan busted their heads.

"Uh, those were the guys that laughed, right?" Asked D'Argo.

Everyone nodded vigorously.

"Look!" Cried John. "It's Earth at the end of the wormhole. I can go home.."

Aeryn Sun turned away from the human nutcracker.

"I'd never leave you, Aeryn." Said John softly.

"But what will we do on Earth?" Asked the gorgeous Sebacean.

"I have an idea for a great sci fi program that I'm calling "Space Chase." I'll be the steely-eyed hero, just like James Tiberius Kirk. Aeryn, you'll be the love of my life. The rest of you will be my loyal crew and the vorlags can all be my sidekicks. You can't have a good program without at least one sidekick." Said John smugly.

"I'll be the captain of a Command Carrier in this, right?" Asked Aeryn. "And my little brother Bialar will do all the scut work on my ship?"

John nodded vigorously.

"I'll be treated as befits my rank?" Asked Rygel, for he was the Rat King..

"I'll get a nice farm?" Questioned D'Argo.

"I'll live the life of luxury I deserve?" Inquired Pip.

"I'll have a huge laboratory for my experiments?" Asked Jool.

"I can continue my singing career in musical segments on the program?" Begged Stark.

"I can purse the Seek to my heart's content!" Said Zhaan.

"We get a free lunch in addition to our salary?" Asked Moe, looking questioningly at John.

"This is sci fi, Moe. There ain't no such thing as a free lunch." John replied.

The vorlags turned up their noses in unison. "No free lunches, no deal."

John sighed. "Okay, guys. Free lunches for the vorlags.

John kissed Aeryn and everyone cheered. Then John led them through the last wormhole.

As you may know, gentle reader, things did not quite turn out as our heroes had planned. But, if you listen very carefully at night in Sydney, you may hear an anguished cry from David Kemper's house. "Hey! Who the frell raided my refrigerator?"