"...[G]ay people are more like tables than unicorns. You don't have to believe in them, they just are. When Peter Pan asked us to clap our hands so fairies could live, he wasn't talking about Carson Kressley. " -- The Brat Queen

"'U.S. Weapons Hunt Shifts Focus to 'Intent' in Iraq' Okay, I've got to know. Is the government just going to keep stumbling backwards until it argues that it invaded because it's possible Saddam knew how to spell "weapons of mass destruction"?" -- trollprincess

"The gribble didn't look impressed. 'You wouldn't kill me in any event. I'm intelligent, self-aware, and I'm fluffy.'" -- Peter David

"Time is a candlefire -- revealing some things, and forcing others into the shadows." -- ???

"Anyone who recognizes the picture, please raise the hand not holding up your clothes." -- Benson making a really scary bust, Law & Order: SVU

"We're so grateful that Lord of the Rings did not qualify in this category." -- winner of "Best Foreign Language Film", 2004

"And yet, somehow, out of this process emerges a winner, as the voters of Iowa -- having carefully considered all the candidates and their views on the complex issues facing the nation -- vote for the person who looks and sounds the most like he comes from Iowa." -- Dave Barry on the Iowa caucus

"Kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight" -- Bruce Coburn

"Now back to Art History with Kiki, or "Why Art Critics Make Up Words to Confuse You, But We Will Outsmart Them, Bwaha."" -- Kiki

"Great. Now we've got prophets dissing each other. What's next, finding scrolls of ancient rap music? 'And the lion shall get jiggy with the lamb?'" -- Buffy [Sibling, "We Happy Few"]

"I just implemented complete < marquee > support! Let the flames begin!" -- Dave Hyatt, Safari browser programmer

"For someone who's almighty, you're *very* passive-aggressive." -- Joan of Arcadia

"I wonder if Batman's shorts ride up." -- Superman [as voiced by Colin Mochrie]

"Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, Or what's a heaven for?" --Robert Browning

"Last time someone tried to kill you, did *you* hide out until it all blew over? .... So, how do I look as a redhead?"
"Equally annoying." -- Mac and Judson, 'Adventure, Inc.'

"Xander, you don't have an alternative lifestyle."
"Says you. I have a vampire living in my closet. If that doesn't scream alternative lifestyle, I don't know what does." -- Willow and Xander [Lizbeth Marcs]

"Sorry, he's.... Is pathological idiot an actual condition?" -- Angel re: Spike

"Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot." -- Morpheus [Neil Gaiman]

"The people here are so scared, they're even willing to go to Los Angeles!" -- Harley Quinn, Justice League

"She did say, though, that OotP was kind of pissing her off, especially Harry's pissy sullenness and self-absorption. The next book, she said, needs to have swearing. I said, if things keep going as they appear to have been from what I've read around LJ, the next book will probably feature Harry having lots of degrading sex and Hermione descending into some kind of half-assed drug addiction metaphor. And then, eventually, Ron loses an eye." -- anxietygrrl

"It's a poor workman who blames his tools. A good workman blames someone else's tools." -- Dan Navarro

"It was true. Girls were insane. There was a vague rumor at school that some little Hufflepuff actually had written a love note to Snape, only to get it back corrected for spelling and grammar." -- excessivelyperky

"Back. Semi-sane. The brain, she is blank. (Evidently my inner Exhausted Person is French. I would be surprised, except, the sense of wonder? He is pffttt.) And I come back, and lo! There are 87 messages from mes amis. I am, how you say? *indescribable French look of bafflement*" -- Kiki. I have no idea.

"I really hope God has the sense of humor I think he does. Otherwise, I'm so unbelievably screwed." -- trollprincess (see next quote)

"God/Grumpy Bear? Jeez, think of the children! No, seriously, think of the children. Omipotent, powerful, pissed-off teddy bears." -- notassuch. it's a long story...

"Can we drink while on duty?"
"No, but we're going to start." -- Diane and Louise, Jake 2.0

"There's times you look at the universe and you think, 'What about me?', and you can just hear the universe replying, 'Well, what *about* you?'" -- Miss Susan [Terry Pratchett]

"Sweet!"
"Find your own word!"
"Damn!"
"That can be your word." -- Paige and Vern, Trading Spaces

"Probably best that X2 didn't chain itself to the X-books canon, methinks, especially given what one learns about the state of that canon. I had a plate of linguini the other night that probably was better organized..." -- BK the Irregular

"I am going to hell, and I'm taking the pious vegetables with me." -- Lizbet on a VeggieTales vid

"I'm beginning to think that word should be our motto. Ouch, Ow and 'my God, what happened to your head?'" -- Sirius on the Marauders [Animagus]

"There should be a Horsechick Certified Moron thingie. We can print up a certificate for someone we don't like and present it to them. It can say something like, 'The Horsechicks of the Apocalypse have collectively decided that you are too annoying to be around. Congratulations! Please wear this button proudly so that others know to ignore you too.' I'm really bitter today." -- Tina

"And why am I picturing [SG-1] as comic-strip mini-lops like Bun-Bun in Sluggy Freelance? Except the SG-1 plot bunnies have little scale-model P-90s and zats. And Teal'c bunny has an itty bitty staff weapon, and a little gold symbol between his fuzzy widdle ears."
"You know, this is making me want to *seriously* crossover with X-Men and have SG-1 gate to Mojoworld, where Mojo has found a new consumer obsession to cash in on... < insert SG-Babies, etc etc >" -- Valerie and Cath

"It ties in nicely with my own frequent "Orlando And His Three Facial Expressions" jokes IRL. ;)"
"Thanks! For a moment I thought you were being too generous by crediting him with *three* expressions, but I think you're right. There's puzzled about something that's happening to the left of camera, concerned about goings-on slightly to the right of camera, and downright mystified about things happening offscreen. ;P"
"*chokes*"
"No, I'm pretty sure he couldn't do that one. It would require an unfurrowing of the brow, and I don't think that's within his range. ;D" -- _redpanda_ and deadspiders (with whom I don't agree, but that doesn't make the quote less funny as hell)

"I must be in hell."
"Ah, no, L.A. But a lot of people make that mistake." -- Spike and Lorne

"Cat has assumed standard keyboard lurk position, says hello. Actually, says 'Stop distracting my human from me!', which is cat for 'Hello'." -- Perri

"Here, I brought you something."
"What is it?"
"It's the heart's blood of our enemies, to seal our dark union."
"You sacrificed Taylor and you didn't wake me up for it?" -- Lorelai and Luke [AnxietyGrrl]

"Now to just get Danny to behave.... What? He's dense and holds a lot of info. If I named it Jack, I'd always be losing files." -- Abby and her computer

"Oh, you're breaking an old man's heart, kiddies! Stand up to them, like I would! If I were there. And if I had super powers. And... Oh for pity's sake, go back and beat up on them!" -- Joker

"I would describe it as: there are a few things I'm just freakishly obsessive-compulsive about. Beyond that, it's all good. :)" -- Cath on easygoing vs. intense

"I suppose out in the World someone would say I was using my art as therapy... but do you know, I think my present state is the one I'm treating, because however *comfortable* it is to be normal, I find I can't really be *happy* like this." -- Camphire, "Finder"

"By now they were familiar with my freestyle way of thinking when I'm drinking, and apparently they find that endearing, whereas you just find it weird." -- Jerry Jerry, "Weird"

"America was vast. Beyond vast, really. Large to the point of vulgarity. It wasn't without its interesting parts, but they tended to be clustered together, and getting to them involved making one's way through an awful lot of nothing in particular. In short, America was a country that could have used a good editor." -- Minim Calibre, "Imposters in This Country"

"Vig used to call me 'elf boy', and I'd call him 'filthy human'. As an Elf, I never got a scratch on me, never got dirty. And Vig would come out with blood and sweat all over him. And he'd say to me, 'Oh, go manicure your nails.'" --Orlando Bloom

"Fans like continuity. Fans like to pick up an issue of their favourite title, and be reasonably secure that most of what they know about the book, from the previous eight hundred issues they have slavishly collected, is mostly true. 'Retcon' (adding facts into continuity retrospectively) is practically a dirty word among many groups of fan-ficcers. Especially when it's a matter of a single writer revamping a character's entire history because it's cooler that way. After a few people do that, the character essentially has no reliable background at all. This opens up the way for massive conflicts over which is the true canon, and fan-ficcer will turn upon fan-ficcer, there will be lengthy Holy Wars and schisms in the Church of Kal-El, and eventually nobody will read the books or write fan-fic anymore because it is, frankly, too much trouble. That may be something of an exaggeration, but ask an average fan about the currant revamp of his or her favourite title, and the answer will probably go something like this: "If that (bleeping bleep writer's name) messes up (character name)'s canon one more time, I'm gonna (bleep bleep bloody gory threats death mayhem shove entire run where sun do not shine)." Go on, try it." -- Sarah Steadman for Sequential Tart

"I'm gonna need a longer grappel." -- Batman

"And there was much rejoicing. *small, most-of-the-minstrels-have-been-eaten fanfare*" -- Johnny