The Perriverse: Quotes

BUFFY, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER/ANGEL

"Let's go over it again in case you left out any details."
"What he said. But with a bit more of a threat at the end." -- Angel and Spike Interrogations

"I'm not saying you're right, 'cause, uh... I'm not physically capable of saying that." -- Spike (to Angel, obviously)

"Check the viewscreen, Uhura. I've got twelve vampyre slayers behind me, and not one of them has ever dated you." -- Andrew outflanking Angel

"As far as evil plans go, it doesn't suck." -- Wesley

"Mind if I join you?"
"On many levels and with great intensity." -- Lilah & Wesley

"Who's Darla?"
"Angel's old flame from way back."
"Not the one who died?"
"Yeah... No, not that one. The other one that died and came back to life. She's a vampire."
"Do y'all have a chart or something?"
"In the files, I'll get it for you later." -- Fred and Gunn

Joss and Company

"Joss has got so many ideas. It's not good for one man." -- Anthony Stewart Head

"I can't possibly praise all the people I have to praise right now, but I would like to comment on the people posting that they'd like "have my baby" or "be my sex slave". Let's be realistic here. That is SO COOL! (Yeah, I'm still kind of a loser)" -- Joss Whedon

"I've always said if Joss ever had a date in high school, none of us would be here." -- David Greenwalt

"IN OTHER NEWS, it's been far too long since I gloated massively about the fact that I know what's going to happen on Buffy and you all don't. It's so cool! We're breaking the arcs for next year and I actually think you guys will be made happy. And, hopefully, miserable." -- Joss

""..and Joss did look upon his works, and did think they were good, 'cause let's face it, Joss thinks A LOT of himself, yea, and he did read the multitudes speaking unto him that he was ratings whore who had run out of ideas, and that was less good, but he spake to them thus:
"Dudes. Chill."" -- Joss on the posting board

"So, yeah, I AM Angel. But in a Snyder kind of way." -- Joss Whedon

"A crossover with 'Charmed'? Doesn't them doing the same plot as us the week after count?" -- Joss Whedon being snarky, but accurate

"I tell the actors I'm gonna kill their characters all the time, and they NEVER LAUGH. I just don't get it." ---Joss Whedon

"If I tell you anything, Joss is going to put me in a tutu in the next episode, so no deal!" -- James Marsters

"Greatest conflict: I can't head to Vegas during the day in an open convertible. I can't pull out those fuzzy dice and say "hey! road trip!" -- David Boreanaz on Angel

Fanfiction

"So--you're a sorcerer? A magician?"
"Like in Harry Potter?"
"My god, I hate those books. Yes, like in Harry Potter."
"Think of him as Snape."
"Thank you very much--Dumbledore." -- Molly, Annabelle, Ethan and Giles [Two Ladies of Quality, "Reflections in a Turning Mirror"]

"Spike left off flinging his remaining clothes into haphazard piles (darks and darkers) as Dawn hopped off the last step of the stairs, and looked up at her with a frustrated snarl. Dawn ignored it. Spike's rages came and went with the force and speed of summer monsoons--by the time you got properly scared, he'd be flipping channels and demanding to know why the bloody hell you were cowering in the corner with a cross clutched over your head. Or you'd be dead. Either way, you might as well skip the cowering." -- Barb [A Necessary Evil]

"Magic is addictive? Did I miss a memo?!... Well, this is peachy. With a Slayer line to wipe out, I have to ship half my Harbingers to the Betty Ford clinic (Mrs. Ford most helpful in getting last-minute cancellations: must remember to try the "morphing into dead president" routine in future emergencies). Tried the local help groups, but Spellcasters Anonymous could only provide a semi-sympathetic nod and a "So Your Minion's a Junkie" pamphlet. And while I was reading it, the little spell-heads knocked off a store downtown. Not against armed robbery per se - all evil is good evil, after all, except where Regis Philbin involved - but holding up the Little Shop of Herbers and stealing all the sage is embarrassingly lame for henchbeings of ultimate evil." -- The First Evil's LiveJournal

"Kennedy! How dare you slander my husband. Cole, get your tongue out of Lindsey's ear when I'm defending you." -- Phoebe [according to the Hellmouth News]

"Xander sat back, laced his hands behind his head, and looked from one snarling vampire to the other. He raised pious eyes to the ceiling of the car and intoned, 'Thank you, Santa, but when I said I wanted Spike and Angel locked in a closet together, there was this tacit agreement that I'd be elsewhere when it happened.'" -- Barb Cummings, "Necessary Evils"

"No one's asking you to marry the woman. Though the thought of her marrying into a Watcher family gives me some great images of the reception - 'good tweed' over here, 'evil Armani' over there, and I'm back on topic now." -- Spike on Wes and Lilah [Magpie]

"I'm not a social-studies nerd or anything, but it is cool. Two-hundred-something years of history, here in this building."
"Two hundred years. In Great Britain, that's not a historic building. That's a sufficiently aged port."
"Yeah, your government didn't set up anything new back then. You were too busy being run into the ground by insane syphillitic kings."
"And you elected Bill Clinton. I say we call it a draw." -- Cordelia and Wesley in the White House [Yahtzee]

"That was the best thing about evil plots. You could be completely sodding unreasonable and the good guys had to go along with it. I miss that. It's hard to pressurise people with the threat that if they don't help you'll give yourself a killer migraine." -- Spike according to Nomad

"Angel sighed. Not an 'I am responsible for every horror ever brought upon the world and now I must make amends' sigh. Just a 'Why me, Lord,' sigh. He'd come a long way. " -- James Walkswithwind and the Mad Poetess

"Would it be wrong of him to direct a not-ready-for-primetime gesture in Willow's direction? Yes. Yes, it would. Angel walked past her and headed down the hall, muttering things in Gaelic that his mother would have been deeply ashamed of him for knowing, let alone speaking out loud." -- James Walkswithwind and the Mad Poetess

"Cordelia would wait in, if not drive, the getaway truck, since the last thing they needed was to worry about was finding legal parking. Anyone who used the line 'Is that a lituus in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?' would be hit upside the head. Of course, there were a few minor flaws in the plan, such as Wesley's inability to fake a convincing American accent and Gunn's inability to stop laughing at his attempts, but they'd certainly gone with worse ideas. Some of them had even worked." -- "The Good Fight" [Naomi Chana]

"Oh, because *I'm* the one who taped a blow-up picture of [Angel] to the bathroom mirror while he was napping, then videotaped him freaking out?"
"Actually, Gunn hung the photo. I just ran the camcorder." -- Cordelia and Wesley, "Small Fry" [James Walkswithwind and the Mad Poetess]

"I'm not good. I'm just temporarily well-behaved." -- Spike [James Walkswithwind]

"Prophecy! Give some cryptic clues about things that are to happen, offer no help whatsoever, and record it all on a scroll just so some cosmic power can ultimately say 'I told you so.'" -- Wesley [HonorH]

"Ethan tried to look innocent, which would have worked better if he *hadn't* been Ethan." -- "A Ritual For All Things"

"When I woke up, it was the next day, and Angel was sitting next to me in my armchair, trying to read a Cosmo. I tried not to laugh. Some men can read Cosmo just because (Wes), and some men can mock Cosmo and then sneak peeks to see what it's saying about them (Gunn). Some men should never even know Cosmo exists, let alone try to read it, and that was the category Angel fell into." -- Cordelia [Jennifer-Oksana, "The Blue Dahlia"]

"Wait, whoa. You're the Slayer, Giles is a magician, Willow's a witch, Anya's a vengeance demon, and Oz was a werewolf. So, basically, what you're telling me is the most normal person you know is *Xander*?!" -- Riley [Pete Milan]

"Rule number two of the Scooby Gang -- if you don't hit the heart, it just pisses them off. (Rule number one was, of course, when in doubt, try blowing it up.)" -- Pete Milan

"Remember? When we were kids, and I was scared of the thing under the bed. You told me nothing could hurt me because you were there. And it didn't."
"The thing under the bed wasn't real, Will."
"Only because it was out on the street." -- Willow and Xander [Pete Milan]

"I swear... I wanted only to protect them..."
"You can't. We can't. They -- like we -- are the ones who protect others. That was their choice, the moment they opened their eyes. This life may have chosen her, Rupert. But she has chosen it as well. As much as any of us have. And now that they have seen the darkness, they will not look away." -- Giles and Wesley on the Slayerettes [Suricata]

"Just like a man. . .you assumed I'd give up my demon hunting and *my* undead friends to follow you. . . .just once I'd like to see a situation where the ex-watcher gives up everything to follow the clumsy, accident/attack prone seer to *her* job."
"I'd rather face the Hellmouth than Los Angeles traffic." -- Cordelia and Giles [Hayley]

"In the sudden silence that followed their combined shrieks/yelps, Riley found himself in somewhat of a conflict. His brain was ordering his eyes to stay on Buffy's face - and nowhere else - and his eyes were declaring complete mutiny. And while his neural and ocular areas were locked in combat, his mouth was left with no standing orders, and started trying to swallow his foot." -- "Laundry Day" [Robin the Snowshoe Hare]

"Memo to Council of Watchers, Day Two, Late Afternoon... Our hosts had some difficulty locating a spot for the mass grave since much of the available ground seemed to have already been taken up by older mass graves." -- Giles, When Hellmouths Collide

"If we don't get home, that's going to be you, me, and Willow in 20 years, arguing about who always gets the end with the head and who needs to stop licking the poisoned darts." -- Xander to Buffy, "When Hellmouths Collide" (it's a crossover, go with it)

Fandom

"And Joss will once again display his perverse love for livestock." -- Kiki

"I think I work for the company that sells [Wolfram & Hart] its ink. That's some pretty lame evilness." -- Lizbet

"Okay, there's good nookie, and there's ewwwww." -- Hellmouth News on Cordy/Connor

"'She never did! So soddin' stop it now! I'm not some bloody wanking nance of a squeak-toy! I'm Evil! Evil *does* *not* SQUEAK!' Somewhere in the multiverse, there is a bleached blond vampire who is going to hunt me down and *hurt* me for this.... Which, y'know? I've heard Perri squeak. So either Evil *does* squeak; or she isn't Evil. Personally, I think it proves Spike wrong, right there."
"So is this now the Perri Theorum of Evil?" -- Kiki and Lizbet

"y'know what's the worst? Spike-smoochies galore, and I can't even enjoy them. Dude, that blows serious mutant junkie PETA-posterchild bunnies through a '57 Ford muffler, is what it does. There's no justice." -- Cath

"I was also thinking what a good Survivor parody it would make: a slayer, a warlock, a vampire, one ex-demon, one sane witch, one insane witch, a key to armageddon and a carpenter all stuck in an RV for 8 weeks...." -- Jennifer Morris

"Damnit, I need to call in Joss'd to work!" -- Kiki

"You think that Giles would have a hang of this 'predicting when demon's come' situation. Get into the habit of researching the months ahead and marking on the calendar 'dark demon from the fourth circle of hell who harvests brains and uses them to resurrect his dead lover Anak-Su-Namun comes to Sunnydale today', therefore avoiding any mishaps." -- from http://handbook.sevspace.com/

"That's the neat thing about Spike: he likes people as people. He also likes people as lunch." -- Mitch Wagner

"I had a sudden flash of Cordy, Angel, Wes, and Faith singing the opera part of "Bohemian Rhapsody" and suddenly starting to headbang." -- Tina

"I didn't get the job. I am crushed, my spirit is totally broken. I am wallowing in the depths of hellish depair. Isn't James Marsters a hottie?" -- Jennifer P.

"Although, someone on another list was sharing a bad bit of fic, and in there, he was in brood daylight. Which explains everything, no?" -- Chris' relay on Angel

"Because I'm not into criticism without offered alternatives, I have a suggestion. Let's dig a big pit. We'll take Darla, and we'll throw her in it. Then we'll find Jheira, wherever she got off to, and we'll throw her in the pit too. I'm seeing a fight to the death for our amusement, and then the winner gets to be slaughtered violently by some ugly flesh-eating creature. Now, isn't that a much better plan?" -- Lisa Kincaid on 'Angel', The 11th Hour

"I guess I'll have to try harder next year if you were able to block Hamster Dance. "
"Some experiences are so terrifying that they trigger hysterical amnesia. " Abby & Nea [on Abby's Buffy vid]

"There is one thing to consider in our choice of heros... There are just too many hot guys on Buffy to choose from. You've got Xander, Angel, Oz, Giles (sure, he's an older guy, but get him out of the tweed and you've got a bonafide hottie), and most importantly the possessor of absolutely unholy yumminess, SPIKE. We try to cover all our bases... with a Nicholas Brendon feature headlining this issue, we like to give the other guys a chance... and we wouldn't want to go overkill on Xander and have any of our readers pass out in a bout of lusty swooning or anything. So to summarize... [our] decisions are made with your safety in mind." -- disclaimer, The 11th Hour message board

"I am old enough to be this boy's mother, and it's killing me!" -- Whoopi Goldberg, sitting next to James Marsters on 'Hollywood Squares'

"The only remotely amusing thing to happen today ....a guy in a suit who couldn't get on the train because it was so overcrowded yelled out, "If anyone gets home on time, tape Buffy for me!"" -- meerkat

"That's the reason Nick doesn't have any brains; Buffy has all of them." -- Valerie Meachum

"Give in to your true self, Nichol... I mean, Angel!" -- Darla [Valerie Meachum]

"I'm not going to DO anything to him. Just look at him. And maybe not breathe for awhile. Oxygen might interfer with the experiance." -- Lizbet Lewis on Angel

"And if there are any librarians out there on this list, can you tell us what the Dewey Decimal classification number is for the demon section of the card catalog?" -- Maureen Wynn

"Willow gets involved with the school newspaper, she has to find someone interesting to interview, and Angel happens to be around ..." -- Interview with a Vampire, Buffy-style [Theodore Miller]

"What Darla lacked in clothing and hairstyle taste, she made up for in her taste, literally, for lovers." -- Lisa R.

"Of *course* Giles is carrying her again. The Slayer-Lifting Workout. Regular thing." -- Val Meachum

"Did anyone else look at the Demon and say to themselves...."Feed me Seymour?"
"Yes I did.. and I got slapped for it..." -- ??? and RayVen

THE PRETENDER

"Tormenting hours are nine to five. Call back tomorrow." -- Miss Parker to Jarod

"I think... that Pretender may have... scarred me..."
"We should form a support group. Or maybe issue hunting licenses." -- reactions to Mr. Raines in a leopard-skin thong

"Suffice it to say that Broots needs therapy in the worst possible way. Either that or his automatic subconscious defense system will go to any lengths to keep him from antagonizing Miss Parker with his little daydream fantasies. "Broots, man, no! Nooooo! No! If you let her know what you're thinking, she'll kill us! Don't do it! Don't go there!... Aww, hell, this room-sharing has made him *stupid*! We're gonna have to fire up the Mr. Raines First Strike Program!"" -- Chris on the above scene

"You're gonna take a long walk off a short pier. A cliche, I know, but I happen to own a pier." -- Sonny Faddis, 'The Pretender'

"How did you get in?"
"The same way I got out." -- Sydney and Jarod

"That isn't good for your ulcer."
"Neither are you." -- Jarod and Miss Parker

"...At least now we *absolutely* know why Jarod was 'isolated' from pop culture: if he had seen any three random Star Trek eps in his lifetime , at least one of them would have contained the immortal line, "OHMYGOD, captain: It's in the air duct!!" and he would have escaped years (decades?) earlier." -- Roberta

"I know if it doesnt [work] my butt's on the line."
"Wrong piece of anatomy." -- Broots and Miss Parker

"'Never choose the van as a getaway vehicle' ranks right up there with 'Always check the air ducts first' and 'Twins are always evil twins' in the TV cliche pantheon. As does "Anyone who dies in a season finale is not really dead", BTW. Somewhere out there, even as I write this, Fox Mulder and Kyle are sharing a drink and a good long laugh." -- Roberta

"Tell Broots I discovered Radio Shack." -- Jarod

"He's a goner, he's got two names. Kiss of death." -- Tonia on Mr. Raines.

"He's in the next cup, Syd! Just reach over and grab him as he swings past!"
"Broots, is that Jarod up there on the Matterhorn?"
"If I hear 'It's a Small World' one more time, I'm going to shoot someone!" -- Miss Parker et al at Disneyland [Dragonheart]

"So now drool has yet another use--as a nifty gimmick invented solely for de-shirting the paternally-inclined Jarod." -- Roberta, pretender-l

"This is about that strip search in Vegas, isn't it?" -- Jarod

"Sam isn't a doctor, I... I *can* be!" -- Jarod

"Jarod... is a human Beanie Baby." -- Debbie, pretender-l

"I wonder if there's such as thing as 'Pretender Feedback?' You know- one Pretender emulates another, who emulates the first one, and *BOOM* their frontal lobes explode..." -- Cirby, rec.arts.tv.misc

"He's trying to give me an aneurysm! I don't know why, that's just what he does." -- Miss Parker

"I wonder if anyone at the Centre has ever considered spiking Mr. Raines' oxygen tank with helium..." -- Robert Cruze, Jr., Pretender-l

"Jarod was PEZless but he discovered something better than PEZ...SEX!!!" -- pretender-l

"He told us roaches would be the only thing left living after a biological holocaust. Them and some woman named Parker." -- Jarod's student to Miss Parker

"He's probably in Whoville experiencing the Grinch for the first time." -- Miss Parker

"Santa works in mysterious ways." -- Sister Magdalene

"Thanks for all the gifts you gave me:
my brains, my looks, the wisdom of a sage.
But then you had to go and blow it, dad,
by locking me up in a hamster cage." -- if Mr. Raines was Jarod's father [Roberta]

"I spent an entire life simulating reality. Consequences, they feel pretty good." -- Jarod

HIGHLANDER: THE SERIES

"A couple of Medieval songwriters come up with the idea of Chivalry one rainy day and you embrace it as a lifestyle. You live and die by a code of honor that was *trendy* when you were a kid. "
"Would you rather I had no code of honor at all?" -- Methos and Duncan

"An awful pain in the ass when your sense of honor gets in the way of your own best interest." -- Joe Dawson

"The longer I live, the more attached I get to myself." -- Amanda

"I haven't felt guilt since the 11th century." -- Methos

"Don't you want to see Robert and Gina live happily ever after?"
"Yes. But I want to see me live happily ever after even more." -- Duncan and Methos

"Do I look like an actor?" -- Methos

"Someone's following me!"
"Someone's always following you. What did you steal this time?" -- Amanda and Duncan

"I think David may have broken my ribs."
"You'll live."
"I *know* that. That's *not* the point." -- Richie and Duncan

"This is an interesting test of your reflexes -- can you turn around and fire that before I skewer you? The good news is, I'm rusty, I might miss. Want to know the bad news? The bad news is, I'm *really* pissed." -- Duncan

"Can't we discuss this like reasonable human beings?"
"...No!"
"Just checking." -- Duncan and Kid and Amanda in stereo

"Stall her."
"By killing her?"
"Preferably." -- Duncan and Richie on Amanda

"You know how you fight an Immortal? You get a gun and you shoot him in the chest. You shoot him again, and again. And again. And when he starts to get up..."
"You shoot him again."
"No. You run like hell." -- Duncan and Richie

"Every cloud has a silver lining - if you die, Amanda will be free to date." -- Methos to Duncan

"Are you a Christian? Or do you paint yourself blue and bay at the moon?" -- Xavier St. Cloud

"I saw Christians being fed to the lions in the Coliseum. Some of them looked almost happy to be dying for their faith."
"Is there a point to this or is it just a stroll down Memory Lane?"
"Afterwards, the lions were the only ones that looked happy." -- Methos and Duncan

"Fitz, what did you do and who did you do it to?" -- Duncan Macleod

"I swear, you are going to learn to use a computer."
"I learned to read, didn't I?"
"You were 200 years old!" -- Duncan and Hugh Fitzcairn (*Rest in Peace*)

"I'd say you were dying."
"Oh no, not again. Stick around, I'll be right back." -- Dawson and Richie

"That immortal just robbed that armored car."
"Well, he saw it first." -- Duncan and Amanda

"I swear on my mother's grave!"
"You don't have a mother!" -- Amanda and Duncan

"Why don't you trust me?"
"Experience." -- Amanda and Duncan

"The Ghost of Christmas Past has come to pay you a visit. Don't unwrap any presents while I'm gone." -- Tessa

"The CIA and the Intergalactic Space Patrol couldn't find him, but you, Duncan Macleod, are going to find him."
"Uh-huh." -- Richie and Duncan

"Great. Another window." -- Duncan

Highlander Fandom

"One must not question "why" but rather, "why not?" There are a thousand things in fandom that make no sense at all. This is one." -- Cath on Pete Wingfield's toes.

"SpaceGhost, on Coast2Coast, upon finding out that his bandleader allowed SG's kitty to escape: "BooBooKitty!! I didn't love you enough! I am filled with despair!! I will now lash out at everything around me!!" Which he does, with the little power wristlets. < g > A real Duncan MacLeod Moment. Oh yeah." -- Kiki up way too late

"Posing as newlyweds, Nick and Amanda must steal, elude an Immortal and avoid strangling each other." -- TV Guide tag for 'Immunity' (Highlander: The Raven)

"Methos looked up at the ceiling for a little help. If anybody looked back down at him, he or she had obviously already decided it would be *far* more amusing to just let him run around and make his own messes. Correction, have other people drag him into *their* messes. As usual." -- Catherine Boone