THE WEST WING

"True or false, if I were to stand on high ground in Key West with a good pair of binoculars I'd be as informed as I am right now."
"That's true."
"The intelligence budget's money is well spent, isn't it?" -- Leo and Josh

"For God's sakes, forget about the journey. The voyage is not our problem."
"What's our problem?"
"What to do when the Nina, the Pinta, and the Get Me the Hell Outta Here hit Miami." -- Toby and CJ on Cuban refugees

"You think the United States is under attack from 12,000 Cubans in rowboats."
"I'm not saying I don't like our chances."
"Mindboggling to me that we ever won an election." -- Toby and Sam

"I agree with Josh and I agree with C.J. and I agree with Sam. And you know how that makes me crazy." -- Toby

"Show the average American teenage male a condom and his mind will turn to thoughts of lust."
"Show the average American teenage male a lug wrench and his mind will --"
"Toby." -- Toby and CJ use diplomacy

"I am the Lord, your God. Thou shalt worship no other God before me. Boy, those were the days, huh?" -- Pres. Bartlet

"Mrs. Landingham, does the president have any free time this morning?"
"The president has nothing but free time, Toby -- right now he's in the residence eating a bowl of Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Shall I get him for you?"
"Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham."
"What age would that be, Toby?"
"...Late 20s."
"Attaboy."
"Can I have a cookie?"
"No. " -- Toby and Mrs. Landingham

"CJ, on your tombstone it's gonna read: "Post hoc, ergo propter hoc"."
"Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone." -- Pres. Bartlet and CJ

"We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?"
"When you learned to speak Latin?"
"Go figure." -- Pres. Bartlet and CJ

"This administration doesn't even need an opposition party, you know that? We do fine by ourselves." -- Josh

"You slept with a call girl?"
"Well no -- well, yes, yes I did."
"Does she know who you are?"
"No, I didn't reveal my secret identity, Josh." -- Josh and Sam

"See how benevolent I can be when everyone just does what I tell them to do?" -- Pres. Bartlett

"You accidentally slept with a prostitute."
"Call girl."
"Accidentally."
"Yes."
"I don't understand, did you trip over something?" -- Toby and Sam

"How the hell did I get into trouble?"
"Today? All you had to do was get out of bed." -- Toby and Josh

"'Insuccessful'?"
"What's the problem?"
"I don't think we're allowed to make up our own words."
"Oh, and like there's no chance it's a typo." -- Josh and Donna

"Have you ever tried to overthrow the government?"
"No, sir."
"Well, what the hell's been stopping you?" -- Sam and Charlie

"When I think of all the work you put in to get me to run, when I think of all the work you did to get me elected... I could pummel your ass with a baseball bat. " -- Pres. Bartlet to Leo

"I couldn't help but notice, you got a little extemporaneous there in the D section."
"Oh, you noticed, that, did you?"
"Yes sir."
"Yes, I did a little polish right up there on my feet. Right in front of everyone. I looked at the side at one point, you know, and I half expected to see you coming at me with a salad fork."
"Well, but for the secret service agents restraining me, sir...." -- Toby and Pres. Bartlet

"You know what, Toby? You're what my mother calls a pain in the ass."
"Well, that's what my mother calls it too, sir." -- Toby and Pres. Bartlet

"We love you, Josh!!"
"It helps not to know him!" -- fangirls and CJ

"President Bartlet's a good man; he's got a good heart. He doesn't hold a grudge. That's what he pays me for." -- Josh

"There's literally no one in the world that I don't hate right now." -- Toby

"Do you want to play or do you want to write my eulogy?"
"Can I be honest with you?" -- Pres. Bartlet and Toby

"It'll infuriate the Left. It'll energize the Right and everyone in the middle is going to feel like they just got yanked around. I'm sorry, Mr. President, did you want to answer that?"
"Yeah, my answer was going to be 'Because I said so', but you did pretty good." -- Mandy and Pres. Bartlet

"We'd like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs."
"Are we paying any attention at all right now?"
"No."
"Thank God. Like we don't have enough problems with the First Lady and her Ouija board." -- Sam being remarkably patient with a crackpot

"There are levels and an order to our air defense command, and to jump from a radar officer to the Commander in Chief would skip several of those levels."
"Like what?"
"Like the Pentagon, and, you know, perhaps therapy." -- Sam losing patience with a crackpot

"Nobody ever looks like Joe McCarthy. That's how they get in the door in the first place." -- Toby

"You look like death on a Triscuit!" -- Zoey

"CJ, I don't mind the cost of this wolves-only highway, it's the segregation. The ACLU is going to file a petition on behalf of some reindeer, and then we're all screwed." -- Pres. Bartlet

"You've been faking it?"
"Yes."
"With the President."
"I know, I should probably not do that."
"You think?" -- Sam and CJ

"The President's daughter, the Chief of Staff's daughter, a Georgetown bar and Sam. What could possibly go wrong?" -- Josh contemplating his upcoming doom

"How does Mallory know about that? "
"I told her. "
"You told our Boss's daughter you slept with a call girl?"
"I didn't know she was Leo's daughter at the time, I thought she was a school teacher who came in with her class. "
"So you thought you were telling a complete stranger you slept with a call girl?" -- CJ, Sam and Josh

"Danny, when you flirt with me, are you doing it to get a story? "
"No, I'm doing it to flirt with you." -- CJ and Danny

"I was looking for the President."
"He had to step out to the West Wing. I'm not sure why but I could go --"
"To pistol-whip the trucking industry. "
"Why would he --"
"Because he can't save a gunshot victim and he can't stop a hurricane." -- Abby and Sam

"We should organize a staff field trip to Shenandoah! I could even act as a guide! What do you think?"
"Good a place as any to dump your body."
"What was that?"
"Did I say that out loud?" -- Pres. Bartlet and Josh

"You guys are idiots. Did you know that?"
"In our own defense, we actually do know that." -- Mandy and CJ

"CJ, no leaks! If the name of this nominee is leaked out before I want it to be leaked out, I'm gonna blame you and you're gonna find that unpleasant!"
"I gotta tell you something, Toby -- you're hot when you're like this." -- Toby and CJ

"Is it possible for Peter Lillianfield to be a bigger jackass? You think if he tried hard there's room for him to be a slightly bigger horse's ass than he's being right now?"
"At some point you hit your head on the ceiling, don't you?"
"I think there's unexplored potential." -- Sam and CJ

"So, five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you in the room who are stoned right now that it's time to share." -- Josh

"This isn't funny, Josh."
"Mandy, if you can't laugh at this then you're just not having enough fun in show business." -- Josh and Mandy

"Set fire to the room. Do it now." -- CJ after a press briefing

"Why are you here?"
"I'm here because there's a basketball team called the New York Knickerbockers who are playing in town tomorrow night."
"I don't have time to go to a basketball game!"
"Neither do I. Which is why I thought we could watch it in your office, while I explain it to you in a patronizing manner, because I know it's something women usually like."
"Thank you anyway."
"You understand I'll talk slow and explain it in a way a girl would appreciate?" -- CJ and Danny

"You were right."
"I know."
"The word subpoena appears in the lead in every story in this morning's papers."
"I know."
"Not yours."
"That's just because I couldn't spell it." -- CJ and Danny

"How could the CIA miss 300,000 armed people?"
"They didn't exactly miss them; in fact, they've got a very good photo now."
"Yeah, but the idea is to spot them before they cross the border, right?"
"Yeah."
"Oops." -- Toby and Pres. Bartlet

"You're really going to let him loose in the White House with his liquor and women."
"We can hide the women, but the man deserves a drink." -- Leo and Pres. Bartlet

"You're a cheap hack. And if you come after Leo McGarry, I'm going to bust you like a pinata." -- Sam

"We meant 'stronger' here, right?"
"What does it say?"
"'I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago'?"
"That's a typo."
"Could go either way." -- Pres. Bartlet and Sam

"I could jump you right now."
"I could kill you right now."
"My thing's more fun." -- Pres. Bartlet and Abby

"The President will sign the bill with 15 pens, and I guess someone on my staff wanted you to know that."
"C.J.?"
"Tell me you don't have a question about the pens."
"I have a question about the pens."
"Yes, Danny?"
"Josiah Bartlet has 13 letters in it -- how's the President going to use 15 pens?"
"Danny."
"I was just --"
"You know you're the only one in the room doing the math on that, right?"
"I just --"
"Only one in the room."
"My readers expect a little bit more."
"Fifteen pens, 13 letters, they must have stuck something in here about.... Yes, he is going to -- interesting -- he is going to literally dot the i and cross the t's."
"Thank you."
"Freak boy."
"Thank you again." -- CJ and Danny

"Carol, dotting the i, crossing the t's, thank you for that."
"We do our homework."
"You misspelled senator." -- CJ and Carol

"Don't start with me, Mr. President."
"I was helping pass the time, I was being entertaining as well as instructive."
"I'm back in America now; I have rights. I'm no longer belted down next to the passenger from hell." -- CJ and Pres. Bartlet

"How was the flight?"
"It was great."
"It was gruesome. 'If you'll look out the left side of the cabin you'll see the fjords.' Then we got a history of the fjords. Then we got a quiz on the fjords. Do you have any idea how much I'd like to dress you up in lederhosen and drop-kick you into a fjord?" -- Leo, Pres. Bartlet and CJ

"We've been navigating by the north star, which turns out to be the Delta Shuttle from LaGuardia." -- Toby

"C.J., so help me, if you use the words "Pwesident" or "bwiefed" again..." -- Toby

"Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it?" -- Pres. Bartlet

"Toby, you're smiling."
"I just figured out who you were."
"He's going to say Satan."
"No. You're the guy who runs into the 7/11 to get Satan a pack of cigarettes." -- Al Keifer and Toby

"You have to go to the meeting. I told them you'd be at the meeting. If you're not there, they're going to start right out insulted."
"I go to this meeting, there's a decent chance they're going to end up insulted." -- Josh and Toby

"Sometimes I don't even know what you're talking about."
"Sometimes I'm just making it up." -- Leo and Pres. Bartlet

"You're concerned about American labor and manufacturing."
"Yeah."
"What kind of car do you drive?"
"Toyota."
"Then shut up." -- Toby being not-diplomatic with a congressman

"You like winning, don't you?"
"Saves you from having to say the word please." -- Josh and Toby

"I'd get in trouble with the First Lady."
"Welcome to the club, Danny. We had some jackets made." -- Danny and Pres. Barlett

"I don't think the problem is that you're black, I think the problem is you're stupid. "
"Well, thanks, Danny, you pick me right up." -- Danny and Charlie

"I came to apologize. "
"You left me sitting in the restaurant. "
"I feel bad about that. "
"Are there other things you feel bad about too? "
"Yes. "
"Name them, please. "
"I... Off the top of my head I woudn't be able to give you a comprehensive list. Just suffice it to say that anything I've done to upset you, even if it only exists in your kind-of confused little mind, I really apologize for." -- Charlie and Zoey

"I concede I was wrong about the thing."
"Good."
"However --"
"No, no however, just be wrong. Just stand there and you're wrong. Listen, be wrong and get used to it." -- Abbey and Pres. Bartlett

"So I've been reading this book..."
"I'm on the phone. "
"You're on hold."
"How do you know? "
"The light was blinking. "
"(sigh) What book?" -- Donna and Josh

"Don't play dumb with me."
"No, honestly, I am dumb. Most of the time I'm playing smart." -- Mallory and Sam

"I thought you were trying to drive a wedge between us."
"I was, but now you're just boring the crap out of me." -- Sam and Leo

"I don't mind you dating my only daughter but you can't expect me not to have some fun along the way." -- Leo

"I think we should get a panda bear."
"You say that now but I'm the one who's gonna end up feeding him and walking him." -- Mandy and Josh

"You, on the other hand, should turn that frown upside down."
"I'm sorry?"
"Let a smile be your umbrella, Margaret."
"Okay, now you're scaring the crap out of me, Toby." -- Toby and Margaret

"I feel like I've lost 180 pounds. I am smiling, I am laughing, I am enjoying the people I work with.... I gotta snap out of this. What's on your mind."
"I want you to help me get the Chinese to give us a new panda bear to replace LumLum."
"Well, that did the trick." -- Toby and Mandy

"Can we get this godforsaken event over with so I can get back to presiding over a civilization gone to hell in a handcart?" -- Pres. Bartlet

"You didn't know it was raining?"
"To our credit, sir, we knew it was raining once it started to rain." -- Pres. Bartlet and Toby

"I hung in there as long as I could, but you've long since passed the point when I stopped caring. If you're curious, it was right around 'raisin muffin'." -- Leo

"Charlie, tell the President he will eat his salad, and if he doesn't like it, he knows where to put his salad."
"Well, I don't think I will tell the President that, Mrs. Landingham, but I appreciate your help."
"You bet. " -- Mrs. Landingham and Charlie

"Hi, Senator. Why don't you take your legislative agenda and shove it up your ass?" -- Josh

"Sam, you're going to come to a verb soon, right?"
"Okay, you know what this is called?"
"Bad writing?"
"Imagery."
"Well, you say potato...." -- Toby and Sam

"Anytime you want to use punctuation, that'd be fine." -- Toby

"Toby, is this what you meant by 'Sam, you're completely in charge of this'?"
"Yes, I meant you're completely in charge of this, in the sense that you're subordinate to me in every way." -- Sam and Toby

"Since when are you an expert on language?"
"In polling models?"
"Yes."
"1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?"
"Since long before that." -- Toby and CJ

"What do we do with him? "
"Make him the Ambassador to Paraguay. "
"What do we do with the Ambassador to Paraguay?"
"Make him Ambassador to Bulgaria. "
"I like this. We bump everybody up, and I can go home." -- Pres. Bartlet and Sam

"Well, I'm Personal Aide to the President of the United States, so that means my supervisor's a little busy trying to find a back door to shove you out of." -- Charlie dealing with a jerk

"Listen, have I gotten any of the names right so far?"
"No sir, but you came damn close on a couple of them." -- Pres. Bartlet and Charlie

"C.J., I'm not staying in the penalty box forever. I have covered the White House for eight years and I've done it with the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I'm telling you you can't mess me around like this!"
"Danny, I just gotta tell you, that was -- seriously -- that was a turn-on when you said that, though I don't know why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning News in that sentence." -- Danny and CJ

"We think if we hit the ground hard enough we can make it to the center of the planet and find water? That's not a theory of physics pretty much disproved by Wile E Coyote?" -- Josh Lyman

"Josh, I think you know that for the last three months you were out recovering, a lot of people were looking for a new legislative avenue for federal law enforcement to get the extremist."
"You could throw out the Bill of Rights."
"Toby tried."
"I was kidding." -- Sam and Josh, 'The West Wing'

"What'll be the next thing that challenges us... that makes us work harder and go farther? You know, when smallpox was eradicated, it was considered the single greatest humanitarian achievement of this century. Surely, we can do it again. As we did in the time when our eyes looked toward the heavens, and with outstretched fingers, we touched the face of God." -- President Bartlet

"If the whole bus goes off the record, will you tell us why you're going on the trip?"
"...I made fun of Notre Dame." -- Danny and CJ

"I like you guys who want to reduce the size of government... make it just small enough so it can fit in our bedrooms." -- Josh Lyman

"Just try and remember that you're a blonde Republican girl and no one likes you." -- Sam Seaborn being supportive