"At least I don't make sculptures of dead wood and twisted metal to symbolize my existential angst."
"No, you just play head games with your friends and plot world domination."
"We all need hobbies, Lilly." -- Lex and Lilly [Snuffleupagus] [Hell, just go read the story. Sister and Brother]

Sliders
"This ranks very high on the weirdmeter." -- Quinn

"We have a plan. We just don't know what it is yet." -- Quinn

"What dark corner of our soul did you crawl out of?" -- Quinn to Logan

"Didn't he used to be a little bit more mature?"
"No." -- Rembrandt and Wade on Quinn

"Sliding between parallel worlds doesn't bother you, but flying does?" -- Quinn

"Dead is dead, Professor. The fact that people don't give a damn doesn't make me feel a whole lot better." -- Quinn

"Good heavens, a union between San Francisco and Los Angeles. It goes against the laws of nature." -- Arturo

"Damnit Chakotay.. you lost the timer AGAIN?" -- Sliders/Voyager crossover [Dennis Iannicca]

"Who's the guy in the hat?"
"Sam Houston, first president of the Republic of Texas."
"It scares me that you know that." -- Wade and Quinn

"I hate to say it guys--"
"--but I've got a strange feeling about this place."
"Well, I do." -- Wade and everybody else

Andromeda
"I just want to humiliate you a bit before you die. Is that so wrong?"
"It's one of the signs of Creeping Snidely Whiplash Syndrome. If you get the urge to twirl your mustache, see a doctor." -- Cortes and Harper [RJB, "A Final Darkness"]

"I suggest we try copious explosives." --Tyr

"I'd say 'let God sort them out', but someone told me he's dead." -- Tyr the Nietchzen

"I have faith in nothing but this: when the universe finally collapses and dies, there will be three survivors -- Tyr Anasazi, the cockroaches, and Dylan Hunt, trying to save the cockroaches." -- Tyr

"Uh.... Weirdness incoming." -- Beka

"Why is it that every time someone goes off on a suicide mission, they take *my* ship?" -- Beka Valentine

"Whoever told you that sarcasm is a desirable attribute in a ship was sadly misinformed." -- Tyr

"Great, now we can invite some new supervillains to the 'People Who Suck' party." -- Harper

"Your timing... is improbable"
"You're welcome." -- Charlemagne and Tyr

"Actors naturally want to play season five in season one. At least actors like me. Must find the time and stillness to let Tyr be whoever Tyr is today. Walk, don't run. You might trip, fall down, and smack your knee into the concrete. Of course, you can always blame it on the new boots." -- Keith Hamilton Cobb

"So with a cough and a sniffle it's back to work Monday morning regardless. The quintessential celestial badass must not be deterred by anything so very common as the common cold." -- Keith Hamilton Cobb

"What do you want?"
"Oh, the usual. Hundreds of grandchildren, the domination of known space, and the knowledge that all of my enemies have died in painful, highly improbable accidents that can't be traced to me." -- Tyr and Charlemagne

Gilmore Girls
"Sighing is an important ending to just about every other scene in this show. It's because everyone hyperventilates from all the talking." -- MightyBigTV on 'Gilmore Girls'

"We sleep around here! We like it! It makes us pretty! And keeps us from killing our crazy friends!" -- Lorelei Gilmore

"Look, I've made my peace with the fact that everyone who calls here is a notch above brain dead, and that the pennies I am thrown each week are in exchange for dealing with these people in a non-violent manner. And usually that is fine, but sorry, lady -- today I have ennui." -- Michel, 'Gilmore Girls'

"Pardon me, there's a phone call for you. If I'm going to fetch you like a dog, I want a cookie and a raise." -- Michel, 'Gilmore Girls'

*****

"Do you think James Lipton, dean of 'Inside the Actor's Studio,' could, in fact, get jiggy with it?"
"...I think he could, but I'd be concerned that he'd hurt himself." -- audience member and Will Smith, ItAS

"Can we refrain from blowing up demons in the nursery?"
"Oh honey, it was just one." -- Leo and Piper, Charmed

"There was a slight tolerencing problem."
"He means he measured wrong." -- Junkyard Wars

"Why do girls do that?"
"Someday you'll understand. When you do, call and explain it to me." -- Benji and Monk

"Whose coworkers are sitting around the firestation saying, 'We should have sent the dalmation.'?" -- George Gray, Weakest Link

"According to the government, if I tell you anymore, I'll have to kill you. And might screw up our ratings!" -- R. Lee Emry, Mail Call

"I think we're supposed to go to Mojo's and save the Professor."
"Again?" -- Buttercup and Bubbles, Powerpuff Girls

"People, he's needy! He's neurotic, he's needy, he's... God, he's like everyone I date!" -- Thom, Queer Eye

"Welcome to The Planet's Funniest Animals, the show that broadcasts in stereo so you can hear the canned laughter in *both* speakers." -- Matt Gallant

"How did you know that?"
"Omniscience. Look it up." -- Joan and God, Joan of Arcadia

"I am a member of the oldest rock band
I've slept with every supermodel in the land
Well, I couldn't get one, but that is her loss
I guess a Rolling Stone gathers no Kate Moss." -- Colin Mochrie

"Well, we can always stay with Aunt Gail."
"Why can't we stay with Mr. Monk?"
"Because I will go crazy slower at Aunt Gail's." -- Sharona and Benjie, Monk

"Damn you!"
"Hee. People have been saying that to me a lot lately. I think it might have something to do with the gleeful way I've been taking out characters like I've got a season finale quota to meet..." -- shrift in comments to her farscapefriday fic

"I hate you, Jordan."
"You only think you do."
"And you hate me too. You're here to wreak some kind of terrible havoc on my life. And you wanna know what the most sick and twisted part of the whole thing is? It's that I'm actually gonna let you do it. It's like watching my own train wreck." -- Woody and Jordan

"The last time I saw RDA doing 'the Ben Franklin thing' was in an episode of MacGyver where he was in Mediaeval times and used it to break open a lock on a cell door. He was at the time wearing a leather doublet and tights. He was also dubbed in German, which I understand just about enough to follow the motor-racing commentary (which involves knowing numbers and 'hydraulic failure') but not nearly enough to understand why he was in the Mediaeval period. The reason he was in the tights was immediately obvious." -- the Fringedwellers

"That's what I like about those two -- they know when to disobey orders." -- Marcus on Jeremiah and Kurdy

"We will take back the night!"
"It's light out, Ray."
"We will take back some day, then take back the night." -- Ray and partner, "Boomtown"

"Under junkyard rules, our teams have one hour to make vital, detailed adjustments. So out comes the duct tape." -- Cathy, 'Junkyard Wars'

"Welcome to The Planet's Funniest Animals, the shows that has people all over America saying, 'So, what else is on?"" -- Matt Gallant

"Ian is and shall ever be a freak."
"Oh, and did anyone think to mention that this Ian guy is, well, something of a *FREAK*? < g >"
"The fact may have been overlooked for the past ten minutes. Thus, it bears repeating. :)"
"The one time on Saturday when I forcibly restrained myself from saying it, Sara promptly muttered, 'You freak.'" -- Chris, Dianne, Tina and Lizbet on "Witchblade"

"Vacations are supposed to be fun and happy. That was murder camp." -- Sharona, 'Monk'

"Is murder legal in this state?" -- carpenter Andrew threatening designer Chayse, 'While You Were Out'

"If you move your legs, I will break them." -- team captain 'motivating' a dive team, "Junkyard Wars"

"I saved a piece [of veneer] I'm going to iron to Chayse's... behind." -- Andrew and Chayse: Round 2

"Think the dead body's here?"
"Maybe. It's been everywhere else." -- Benjie and Monk, "Monk"

"Can we refrain from blowing up demons in the nursery?"
"Oh honey, it was just one." -- Leo and Piper

"Last time someone tried to kill you, did you hide out until it all blew over? ....So, how am I as a redhead?"
"Equally annoying." -- Mac and Judson, 'Adventure Inc'

"I can just see the sign above the door: Centre Labs (crossed out) Section One Labs (crossed out) SD-6 Labs (in pencil)" -- Celli

"It was just one of those things that seemed really important while you were in the middle of it and really stupid once it was over."
"Kind of like 'Twin Peaks', then." -- Grace and Wes, 'The Chronicle'

"The demon in question meanwhile has risen to his feet to display his sleek, slick build to the viewing audience, and the viewing audience finds itself overwhelmed with gratitude for this selfless gesture on his part. Over at the stairs, Phoebe's babbling something about Piper taking her 'witchcraft quizzes very seriously,' and yes, one may easily argue that this point of Piper's characterization has no canonical precedent in the text of the series to date, but good goddamn -- did you get a look at Cole?" -- MightyBigTV on 'Charmed'

"No no no! We are *not* getting Crais and Montoya in the same room!"
"Aw, c'mon! Battle of the Ponytails! Gotta have it!" -- Perri and Kiki

"Oh, it's you. Black Belt Barbie." -- bad guy to Phoebe, 'Charmed'

"And again, I applaud the writers' pants size while fervently wishing to lace their wheaties with rat poison." -- Cath on 'Witchblade'

"Why does everyone think it's so funny when I ask what you're famous for?"
"Because I'm... famous for many things."
"What else are you famous for?"
"Oh, for god's sake, I go to jail a lot!" -- Ann Robinson beating up on Danny Bonaducci, 'Weakest Link'

"If I stop to think about her body for too long, this dialogue will come off sounding ludicrous--"
"More ludicrous."
"--more ludicrous and then I'll have to have sex with Shalimar to justify my existence." -- Kiki redubbing Adam, and Perri editing, 'Mutant X'

"If you hadn't so recently vomited, I could kiss you!"
"...I could eat a mint." -- Claire and Bobby, 'Invisible Man'

"Hypothetically? I see. I tend to worry when you use words with more than three syllables, Grisham." -- Col. Montoya, QoS

"Particularly bad since all they could think of to call the enemies are Dark Lighters. Which really, just sounds like they are lightbulbs at a Goth party..." -- Lizbet on Charmed

"These people are supposed to be young, hip folks who are in a little holding pattern in their lives, and they were all there for each other. It's one thing for it not to be 'my day, my week or even my year'. It's another for it not to be my decade. At what point do you simply become a loser?" -- Robert Thompson on Friends

"Gentlemen, if we could just lower the level of testosterone just a little...." -- Abby Carmichael, 'Law & Order'

"You know, guys, if we're always working, it's not work. It's life."
"Fine, then we're late for life!" -- 'First Years'

"We're all going to be ourselves today. At 11:20, we're going to break out in a fistfight over the concept of cooperation." -- overheard at a 'Sesame Street' writers meeting

"Dana, things I say in my office, stay in my office!"
"Natalie's my second in command -- she's the only person I told."
"Jeremy's my boyfriend -- he's the only person I told."
"...I told many, many people." -- Isaac tries to herd cats, 'Sports Night'

"Dan was doing what he always does when it's two minutes to air -- he was annoying Casey." -- 'Sports Night'

"No more braless, strapless attire!"
"Okay, but then I have nothing to wear." -- some instructor chick and Prue, 'Charmed'

"The gods, they mock Montoya."
"Because Montoya is a *silly* man, who listens to the little voices in his head!" -- Col. Montoya and Kiki's comeback

"Ay, carumba, Tessie! How can I tell your fortune if you keep using one card -- *ONE* card -- from the deck! Please, please, for my sake. Leave the Tower next time. Or the Ten of Swords. PICK ANOTHER CARD!!!" -- Marta, as written by Lizbet

"Queen of Swords: We promise one ignorant peasant fatality per week!... Sad, but true. At least one poor, ignorant peasant attempting to support his family dies every week, leaving Colonial Spanish California overpopulated with grieving widows and starving children. Oh, the shame, the agony, the massive amounts of Peter Wingfield playing a character with issues and lots of good looks. " -- Tina

"This is a teaching hospital; you're here to learn. We could call it a learning hospital, but that would scare the patients." -- 'Gideon's Crossing'

"Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around?" -- Dr. Who

"You mind if I give her a hug?" -- Mike Logan and a helpful witness, L&O

"Of course, happy concussed Tick is more or less indistinguishable from happy healthy Tick..." -- Valerie

"It's turned into pro wrestling..." -- Yang, 'Macross Plus'

"What's the point of not using live ammo if they're still going to wreck the planes?!?" -- Yang, 'Macross Plus'

"Will someone give this nicely-muscled man a break?" -- The 11th Hour on Darien Fawkes

"Oh, and if CBS doesn't renew Now and Again I may have to go bitch slap some network suits. Anyone care to join me?" -- Linda M. Najera

"Can I be a network executive, and make stupid non-fiscally-appropriate decisions? No, never mind, I know they all have to take vows of illiteracy and moron-ness in order to function...." -- Chris on the cancellation of 'The Pretender'

"Would you star-69 reality, man?!?" -- Darien, 'The Invisible Man'

"First Robin Atkin Downes, now Clevant [Derrick]. Good actors, bad shows. Next on Jerry Springer" -- Kiki on 'Charmed' guest stars

"Theo, Theo, come whisper Gray's Anatomy in my ear..." -- Cagey on 'Now & Again'

"Yeah, we should get some serious angst-filled blank looks from that."
"Heheheheee. Like cats. That's what Tom reminds me of. An angsty cat. Except no cat would angst. So there you go. :)" -- Celli and Chris on 'Prey'

"Next to you, this car is probably the most precious possession I have. I can't abandon it, I can't let you hurt it. I'm sorry, this car means everything to me."
"Have any idea how pathetic that sounds?"
"Some." -- Dr. Theo and Michael, 'Now and Again'

"A woman with no morals, no scruples, and no reflection."
"It's not like she worships Satan."
"She doesn't have to. Satan worships her." -- Frasier and Roz, 'Frasier'

"I saw him first!"
"Demons first, drooling later." -- Phoebe and Piper, 'Charmed'

"John Goodman's brain, Eric Close's body. What's not to love?"
"Two great tastes that taste great together!" -- Perri and Kiki on 'Now & Again'

"I have no intention of lowering myself to high school humor. That's why we have John." -- Rachel, 'Profiler'

"Never in the doctors' experience had a baby's first cry sounded so much like 'Oh boy!'" -- K.M. Wilcox, alt.ql.creative

"That's great! Reality just poked its head out for the first time.... Ooops! Reality just saw its shadow. Six more weeks of dementia." --"Cupid"

"I tell ya Micah I have a lot of feelings. I just can't think of one that's any of your business."-- Lorne Cash, 'Spy Games'

"Blink, breathe, and fly us back. Anything else and you're gonna have some really interesting scars. Got it?" -- Max London, Spy Games

"The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering." -- The Doctor

"Once that's put right, you'll snap back like a pimp's suspenders." -- Al

"So basically you lost your job and went postal."-- Lorne Cash

"Guys...Guys, before we pull the rulers and start measuring..."-- Max London

"Multi-dimensional casuality always gives me a headache" -- Quantum Leap fan

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do... but if you do.. take pictures." -- Al Calavicci

"Are you okay? Want me to drive?"
"I'm in shock, not insane." -- Joe and Nash

"I'm a scientist. I don't believe in aliens, either."
"We'll leave aliens to the F.B.I." - from 'The Burning Zone'

"You have the attention span of a gerbil." -- 'The Sentinal'

"Rule one: Your enemies have brains made of tapioca." -- Bugs Bunny

"Stop steamin' up my tail!" -- Bugs Bunny

"You can return this, it's what I was going to wear on our honeymoon."
"There's nothing in here but lip gloss."
"...Suffer." -- Fran and Maxwell, The Nanny

"When you're a vamp, you're a vamp all the way..." -- Kellie Matthews-Simmons, after seeing 'Romeo and Juliet' on 'Kindred'.

"Can I get you two a room?!?" -- Col. McQueen, when two of his squadron start making out in the middle of a firefight

"Digitalus?"
"No, I'm keeping it a secret." -- Hawkeye and Hot Lips

"Truth be known, Hawk, the only one that got got, was you." -- B.J. Hunnicutt

"Mother and Dad, I'm going to put this as delicately and succinctly as possible . . . GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" -- Charles Emerson Winchester III

"You really are the mother of all weasels."
"I am, aren't I." -- Lois and Edward, 'GH'

"[Quincy Jones] wanted to call it 'Showtime at the Apollo 13.' I said no because then I'd have to say, 'Whitney Houston, we have a problem.'" -- Whoopi Goldberg on the Oscars

"I haven't seen that many poles mistreated since World War II." -- Whoopie Goldberg on 'Showgirls'

"What do you want, Dix?"
"Same thing as anyone. The right time, the right place, the right man... and not necessarily in that order." -- Brisco County and Dixie

"And who are you currently running this scam on?"
"Anybody who's dumb enough to play."
"That's my boy." -- Lucky and Luke, 'General Hospital'

"I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel!" -- Blackadder

"What causes sibling rivalry?"
"Having more than one kid." -- Tim Allen

"Fate is the hand life deals you. Destiny is what you do with that hand." -- Mr. Harper, 'Strange Luck'

"Madame, if this is Heaven, you've mistaken me for someone else." -- Ernest Pratt, 'Legend'

"But you know, we're really not alone, we're on our own" "Self-sufficient" "Independent" "Liberated" "Full of crap" "Completely" -- Cybill & Maryann

"Fishing for compliments does not count as aerobic exercise." -- the Genie

"Asking is just polite demanding." -- Max Headroom

"I'll have another cappucino. And could you bring my friend a clue?" -- Maryann, 'Cybill'

"I am not now, nor have I ever been, the sort of man who disturbs livestock." -- Nicodemus Legend, 'Legend'

"You'd never see the Fantastic Four in a sewer, or the Avengers -- I have *never* seen the Avengers in a sewer, *or* the Defenders...well, maybe the Hulk." -- Spiderman:TAS

"There's nothing in the rulebook that says an elephant can't pitch!"

"Early to rise and early to bed,
Makes a man healthy, but socially dead." -- Wakko Warner

"Just remember -- the eagle may soar but the weasel never gets sucked up into a jet engine" -- Rick Simon, 'Simon & Simon'

"Did you kill him?"
"I'll have you know I appealed to his better instincts."
"Oh, you bribed him." -- Nick and Schanke? Ray and Fraser?

"Your adoptive father has been known to come back from the dead before." -- on Days of Our Lives

"Justice may be blind - but she can see in the dark." -- Judge Nick Marshall, 'Dark Justice'