THE IRC SKIT - FOLCFEST '95 by Perri Smith and Diane Levitan ******************** NOTE: This is the version of the play that wound up coming to California with me. We originally intended to have more room to pull this off, but wound up doing it in the con suite. So we didn't use but the one chair, and *had* to scuffle for position! Still, the chair stuff is mildly amusing (the image!), so I left in this version. And, of course, dialogue got changed and ad-libbed beyond belief, but this is close to what actually happened. ******************** Cast James - Joel T. Tad - Kaz Kal-El - Tad JiJiB - Bev Clark Ames - dna dna - diane_e Fleisch - JiJiB DianeL - Perri Perri - DianeL Gail - Odette Odette - Heidi (Blaydz) Zoomway - Paul - Fleisch Suen - Wade Special Cast T. Hatcher - Lisa 'Maryland Girl' Carrol Lurker - Zoomway Newbie - DebbieS X - DebbieK NOTE: All thwaps should be spoken aloud and administered with scripts. Don't forget to carry socks to throw. ********************** THE PLAY ********************** JAMES is asleep on the floor next to a chair. Enter TAD and KAL-EL, stage right and left. TOPIC CARD on someone's lap reads LOIS AND CLARK: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN TAD: James. JAMES snoozes on peacefully. KAL: (slightly louder) James! JAMES snores, rolls over. TAD and KAL exchange disgusted looks and yell: TAD & KAL: Peregrin, wake up and op us! JAMES wakes abruptly, jumps to feet, looking around wildly and guiltily. JAMES: I wasn't asleep! Honest! Don't replace me! JAMES slaps TAD and KAL on the back with his script to OP them. They scuffle mildly for position. Enter JIJIB, AMES, DNA, FLEISCH, DIANEL, PERRI. Entrances should be noisy or quiet, depending on how you usually go in. REMEMBER: when anyone enters, ALL stop their conversation and say 'Hi' to the new person, taking as long as possible to greet each person. Conversations should range as widely as possible. Topics can include: school, work, what anyone's currently watching on TV, what anyone's currently eating/drinking (with envious moans from listeners and a great deal of sharing - JIJIB has chocolate chip cookies, which she distributes to all askers), the X-Men, Stephen King movies, fanfic -- anything that has absolutely nothing to do with the show. You know the drill. But stop to greet EVERYONE! LOUDLY! JAMES ops everyone as they come in. Chaos is good here. At least half the people should bring in chairs and continue to bicker over where they get placed. Others can stand or sit as they choose. Sprawling is good. Chair stealing is even better. PERRI enters last. When she comes on, she should be greeted and opped, then conversation level should drop like a stone. Keep arguing, but be quiet so deathless prose (read: main dialogue) can be heard. PERRI: Scroll! Good thing Suen's not here! ZOOMWAY sneaks on from the side, starts to speak, then stops. ZOOMWAY: ARGH! ALL: (in varying chorus) Zoomie! Hi Zoomway! Hey Zoomie! (Etc.) ZOOMWAY: ARGH! JAMES: Uh-oh , her provider's messing up again. DIANEL: Zoomway Syndrome takes many horrible forms. JIJIB: Maybe we should find her a vaccine. AMES: Maybe we should find her a new provider. ZOOMWAY: GAK! Be right back. ZOOMWAY exits. ALL look after her with varying degrees of pity, sadness, loss. Wave bye-bye, blow kisses, say Hail Marys - be creative. GAIL and ODETTE enter, arguing loudly about anything you feel like arguing about. ALL greet them noisily. JAMES ops them. LURKER wanders in, sits quietly next to large chair, well, lurking. A few hi's get tossed her way. A few people look alert and smile conspiratorilly at her. FLEISCH changes the topic card to HAIL, HAIL, THE GANGS ALL HERE. DIANEL changes it to HAIL, HAIL THE GANGS ALL HERE, EXCEPT ZOOMWAY. ODETTE: (notices sign, breaks off argument with GAIL) Netsplit again? JAMES: Provider problems. GAIL & ODETTE: (unison) Again? ALL nod in sadness. Total silence for a second, then everyone starts talking again. At least a few L&C topics this time. People should wander randomly from chair to floor and from arguement to conversation. Everyone argue quietly so that the main arguement can be heard. ODETTE: They put Lois in brown again this week. DIANEL: Teri said it wasn't her fault, remember. TAD: (VERY fatuously) Teri looks great no matter what color she's in. DIANEL & ODETTE: TA-AD! ZOOMWAY enters. ZOOMWAY: ARGH! ZOOMWAY exits. Everyone watches, shakes heads, then goes back to talking. JIJIB: (In a completely different conversation) Did everyone see Dean on Rock and Jock last night? DNA & AMES: (preferably as asides from other conversations) I taped it! JAMES & FLEISCH: Can I have a copy? JAMES: Was this the one with David Duchovny again? PERRI: David? What about David? Where was David? JIJIB: At least Dean's hair is growing out again. DNA: deandeandeandeandrooldeandeandeanakedean. ODETTE changes the topic card to DROOLING. PERRI leans over and thwaps DNA with script, then goes back to conversation. DNA: (offended innocence personified) What?! FLEISCH: (leaning out to audience) THWAP is trademarked by Loiscla. All unauthorized use will be punished with severe Thwapping. JIJIB and AMES instantly instantly thwap FLEISCH. RANDOM NEWBIE sticks head in side, next to DNA, almost gets thwapped and beats a strategic retreat. AMES takes the opportunity to aim a thwap at KAL. KAL hides behind GAIL. GAIL: (protecting KAL) Ames, stop thwapping Kal. AMES: (whining) You always take his side. GAIL: (patiently) I do not. AMES: (bratty) Do too. GAIL: (sighs) O.K. GAIL steps aside, AMES thwaps KAL again. JAMES steps in and takes script away from AMES. AMES pouts, everyone else ignores the entire thing. JAMES changes the topic card to THWAPPING. ZOOMWAY enters. PERRI, DIANEL, TAD: She's ba-ack! ZOOMWAY: YAY! I think it's working! ALL: Hallelulah! (Or variations thereof) JAMES and GAIL scurry over to op, lead ZOOMWAY to chair. ALL greet her loudly along the way. JIJIB offers her a cookie, then has to pass the bag around again when everyone else wants one. ZOOMWAY settles into chair with loud happy sigh, and proceeds to lurk for the rest of the skit. WBPAUL enters, attempting to sneak in. He's wearing a bike helmet. ALL: (extremely and loudly enthusiastically) PAUL! WBPAUL jumps, looks for escape, gets surrounded and resigns self to being stuck. WBPAUL: Hello everyone. JIJIB: Paul, do you know what movie Dean is going to be in? PERRI: Paul, did Justin get the card yet? KAL: Paul, did Singer REALLY hire his girlfriend as a writer and fire the other two? TAD: Paul, what does Teri wear to bed? ALL stop, look with disgust at TAD, who retreats, whimpering. DIANEL grabs PERRI, AMES grabs KAL, DNA grabs JIJIB, all get hauled away from WBPAUL, who goes and hides next to ZOOMWAY and carries on a quiet conversation with her and the LURKER, who is still hiding beside Zoomie's chair. JAMES changes the topic card to HARRASSING PAUL and ops him. Random conversations resume. AMES: msg KAL I can't believe Tad is so immature sometimes. TAD looks deeply hurt, AMES looks embarrassed and apologizes. PERRI, KAL, DNA, GAIL and FLEISCH offer AMES slashes. AMES retreats to corner after hugging TAD. PERRI: Due South got pre-empted again! I HATE CBS! DIANEL: At least we got a new X-Men yesterday morning. PERRI: (pouting) Yeah, but no Wolverine. DIANEL: I can't believe you have the hots for the hairy runt. PERRI: At least he's not a 6'6" cyborg! TAD: I can't believe they killed Mayson off in such a cheesy way, she was so wasted! JAMES: Wasted would be the word. TAD thwaps JAMES. TDODS: At least they didn't kill Scardino. ZOOMWAY, ODETTE, AMES: Unfortunately! JIJIB: They couldn't kill Danny Boy - bullets would have bounced off of those shirts! THATCHER enters somewhere in the middle of these conversations and wanders over to WBPAUL, LURKER and ZOOMWAY, who offers her the big chair. ALL greet her casually without stopping conversations, except: TAD: (painfully polite) Hello Ms. Hatcher. TAD maintains respectful distance, looking as if he wants to worship at her feet - sits there instead. ALL OTHERS: Hi Teri. Hey Teri. Teri! TERI sits in large chair and waits for expected deluge. SUEN enters with new topic card - MODERATED DISCUSSION WITH TERI HATCHER. Everyone throws socks at SUEN. SUEN changes topic card to NEVER MIND and goes over to sulk in the corner. PERRI and JIJIB hug him, he stops sulking. TAD: Ms. Hatcher, I'd just like to tell you what a honor it is to have you here. TERI: Why, thank you, Tad, I've heard you're my biggest fan. That button of yours looks familiar. TAD: Oh gosh, yes! You see, Paul had this contest, and he rode hundreds of miles and I was SO excited, and ... ALL: Next question! TAD sulks, but sits down. FLEISCH: So, Teri, how do you like being on-line? Want a cookie? TERI: Thanks, but I'll stick with my frozen thin mints. ALL: Mmmmm! TERI: I was the one who created Lois' love of chocolate. ALL: Yay! TERI: And the 7:01 dialogue. ALL: Yay! TAD changes the topic card to TERI FOR PRESIDENT. ALL nod in agreement. FLEISCH: So, Teri, can you tell us about the proposal? PERRI: