The Layers Inside

by Dawn Steele
Copyright 1998

They all belong to Joss and Co. Not me. Not my first fanfic, but my first really Buffy fanfic. Any comments would be appreciated.

I never thought it would happen like this.

She looked so beautiful. Her hair was like fine silk between my fingers, and her skin was smooth and soft. I could feel the tiny imperfections in the skin, and the warmth of it was a lure almost impossible to resist.

~ the blood had rushed through her veins, and i could smell it. ~

All I could think of now was how foolish I'd been; how foolish we'd both been. At least she could blame it on her youth, now barely seventeen, but that same excuse could not be applied to me. Still my time as a human being was scant years above hers, and half my time on this earth had been as a malicious beast. Should I count my time since the Gypsies curse... or rather gift? Time spent brooding on the memories trapped in this body, years full of regret and sorrow and pain.

~ but now the world was different and i saw her eyes dim as i spoke. ~

I remember what Drusilla had been like before I turned her into the mad demon she is now. She had been soft, a bit flightly at times, and used to charming the young men around her fingers. In too many ways, she hadn't changed at all. I remember going over all my memories again and again and again for years, trying to figure out if the pictures I had were what really happened or if the demon was only remembering its side of the story.

~the rush of ground beneath my feet, and the presence of a familiar door.~

That was the worst part. Trying to figure out if the reason I had been so successful as a vampire had come from personality traits within myself. And I had been successful. I had loved being a vampire with big reputation. Loved the acts that created that reputation with a passion. The killing and feeding had always meant something more to me than the next meal. I . . .

~ a fall of black hair that delights me, and the glimmer in spike's eyes is so delightful. ~

I killed four humans in the first years after the Gypsies ... curse. The first three as both a test of my control and a punishment to myself. Killing others to make sure that I would be dammed to Hell for my actions. So very, very stupid. The last had been... I had tried to break up a fight between a man and wife. By the time I ended it, his body was in pieces. She never lived to make it to the hospital, and I couldn't forget that their blood tasted equally as wonderful.

~ the books in the library were familiar. i knew just where to go. ~

So I brooded, and I remembered, and I avoided other vampires as much as I could. Still, I overheard them speaking and I knew that the rumours abounded. It only made me withdraw even more. Too afraid of the Hell I felt I deserved to die, and too ashamed to truly live.

~ the feel of warm blood was in my mouth. i was going to take my time with this one. ~

Buffy was not the first Slayer I had met, but she... So unlike the women I'd grown up with, and so unlike the seemingly endless barrage of dead women in my memories. Young, vibrant and alive; even when she complained about her school or her life, it was like I was connected to the world again.

~ i felt like howling at the moon. victorious. ~

I remember the care in which she took care of me after Spike joined me to Drusilla in the church with a knife, and stole my energy to feed hers. Buffy changing my bandages, and picking up blood for me. The feel of her in my arms as I chased away her worries. Her lips, her arms, her warmth, her... strength. I had felt so free because of that strength.

~ i recognized them all. the fool had known all about them. i would use that. ~

She had suprised me with her gift. It wasn't a quick tumble in the hay. It had meant more than that. She had trusted me, loved me... despite knowing who and what I was, and what I had done in the past. There was so much blood in my past, and in the end, very little blood on the bedsheets. Her trust had meant so much to me. For a moment, I had been so .

~ i taunted her with what i would do. it was only a matter of time until they would all be dead at my feet. ~

All that was over now. My fears and hopes and ridiculous dreams. They had taken it away from me and left... this in its place. This wasn't like the last time I had died. I was still here, watching, listening, feeling....

~ i felt the fool squirm inside me. perhaps i would tell her he was there before i killed her. ~

This was worse.

Back to SunS Fanfic.