The Musical Comedy Version (Extended Dance Mix)

by Elaine McMillian
Copyright 1997

The Story | The Lyrics

Warm blame goes to Sister Kim P. [For the "Stayin' Alive" concept], Miriam Rocke ["Don't Cry for Me, Argentina"], the entire GASP! list [for discussing the musical concept] and Lisa V., the Librarylady, [who drew my attention to the Xander/Giles bonding situation]; and special apologies to Michael Easton, who is fairly cool, though not as hot as some-of-you-know-who.

The three friends moved through the dark playground, ready for action and wired for sound.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Xander whispered.

"Nope," Buffy replied.

"Just checking."

"I don't even like playgrounds in the daytime, with kids," Willow whispered, "let alone at night, with dead things. I mean, those wood chips hurt...!"

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Xander said.

"You've been saying that for the last hour," Buffy chided. "Get a new scriptwriter, 'kay?"

"You're way too paranoid," Willow agreed.

"Well, you know--" Xander cut himself off, then got an odd look on his face. Suddenly, he burst into song, at top volume, slightly off-beat, but pretty much on-key. "It's been a paranoid eeeeevening, Also a paranoid daaaaay. I've got a paranoid feeeeeelinnggg, Vampires are coming our waaaaaay!" He stopped just as suddenly, and silence reigned once more.

"Are you nuts??" Buffy hissed. "Cut that out! Do you want every vampire in the county to hear you??"

"I didn't know you could sing," Willow said, a bit hurt.

"I don't-- I didn't mean-- it just happened!" Xander replied, rattled.

"Well, don't happen it again," Buffy snapped.

They continued on, trying to be quiet, but starting to bicker.

"Uh-oh." They all stopped in their tracks as half-a-dozen vampires moved to circle them.

"I *told* you so...." Xander muttered.

"Time to play," sighed Buffy, pulling out a stake.

"Believe it, sister," growled the lead vampire, a male with a red ponytail.

It looked like it was going to be a grudge match between Human College and Bloodsucker U, when the vampires got a collectively odd look on their faces.

"Your kind is always doing us wrong," Ponytail informed them, in a pleasant enough tenor.

"Wrong, wrong," chorused the other vampires.

"Well, we'll do our thing, and it won't take long," he continued. "You think we're all on the run, But we take orders from the Anointed One. And you oughta know he's--"

"The leader of the pack!" all six sang. Making motorcycle hand gestures, they added: "Vrooom, vrooom."

Silence. Then, looking hideously embarrassed, all six fled. Buffy and the Slayerettes stared. As one, they bolted back in the opposite direction.


"So they're looking for *what*?" Ms Calendar asked again.

"A revenant, haunting the playground," Giles said, a bit absently, leafing through a mouldy book.

"What about vampires?" she asked.

"What about them?"

" 'What about'-- Rupert, that's dangerous."

He looked down at her, a bit condescendingly. "Ms Calendar, Buffy is a very good Slayer. She is also very good at staying alive. In fact--" he broke off in mid-sentence, an odd look coming over his face. "In fact, we all need to be good at-- at--"

"At what?"

Giles struck a striking pose, one hand in the air. "Whether you're a Slayer, or whether you're a player, Stayin' alive, stayin' alive! Ah, ah, ah, ah-- Um. That is. Ah. Uh." He stopped trying to talk.

"...the hell???" Calendar said, torn between having an aneurysm and having hysterics.

Just then, the teenagers burst into the library.

"Houston, we have a problem!" Buffy gasped, "and it's in the key of weird!"

Giles, more or less recovered from his brief sojourn in the '70s, was the first to respond. "What's happened-- did you find the revenant?"

"Forget the ghost, Egon. We have *real* problems," Buffy informed him.

"Buffy, a possibly very dangerous revenant is haunting a local playground. What could be more of a problem than that?" demanded Giles.

"Try musical vampires," suggested Xander.

"I beg your-- musical *what*?"

"Six singing vampires," Willow contributed. "It was pretty strange."

"That's not all," Buffy continued. She pointed at Xander. "*He* was singing, too."

"I told you, I don't know *why* that happened," Xander protested.

Calendar looked at Giles. "Singing vampires, singing Xanders, and a singing Watcher. I should've stayed in Connecticut."

"Giles sang??" Xander said, grinning widely.

"The Bee-Gees. It was spooky."

"Could we please concentrate on the problem at hand?" Giles asked, a bit snippily.

"I'd love to-- what is it?" Buffy wanted to know. "A ghost, or the fact that we're suddenly in *The Sound of Music.*"

"Maybe it's a vampire thing?" Willow suggested.

"...which means maybe we should ask Our Friendly Neighbourhood Bloodsucker," Xander finished, looking less than pleased.

"Our own vampire canary," Buffy mused, "Right here...." She got an odd look, then continued:

BUFFY: Right here in Sunnydale, there dwells a guy Who makes my pulses race, who makes me sigh.

"Is that organ music?" whispered Willow.

"Shhh," Xander said.

BUFFY: And when I dream at night, I always find That Angelus of Sunnydale is there Inside my mind.

She stopped, shook her head. "Okay, that was moderately bizarre--"

ANGEL: My Slayer, hearken to this wild lament--

"Huh??" Xander and Willow turned to try and locate the origin of the new voice.

ANGEL: For me to long for you is really bent. And though I turn from you and try to flee, The Slayer here in Sunnydale-- she lives Inside of me....

Angel stepped out of the shadows.

GILES & CALENDAR He's here-- the Vampire of the Hellmouth!

WILLOW & XANDER: Beware-- oh, Slayer of the Hellmouth!

BUFFY: In all my childhood dreams, I never knew That I would ever love Someone like you... [She reaches to touch his cheek, but he pulls away.]

ANGEL: Our hearts will break in two, I know for sure.... This love between a Slayer and a vamp Cannot endure.

His last note fell into silence.

"This is going to be one of *those* nights, isn't it?" Angel asked.

"Did it get, ah... stilted, for a moment-- a bit, well, scripted?" Giles asked Calendar, quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"Never mind. Probably nothing." *"Not",* he thought, quoting Buffy.

"Okay. It's too late at night to handle this now. I've still got English homework to deal with. I'm outta here," Buffy informed them all.

"I'm with you," Willow agreed.

"Wait for me!" Xander called, and the three cleared out with extreme quickfulness.

Angel looked bemused. "Would someone care to try and explain this to me?" he asked.

"We know it involves vampires and singing," Giles said, after a long pause.

"Uh-huh," Angel said. "Well. That clears it right up."

"Would you mind perhaps asking around about anything odd to do with, um--"

"Singing. Right. No problem," Angel sighed. "Oh-- here," he added, handing Giles a battered bundle of papers. "These may help you out a bit. They're the Perelandra Theora."

"Where do you *find* these things?" Giles gasped, eyes brightening at the thought of yet more dusty old oddities to pore over.

"Oh, just around. 'Night, all." He smiled at Calendar and left.

Giles started to head for his office.

"You know it isn't vampires. It's probably the ghost," Calendar said to his back.

He turned around. "I know. But, well, one can't take chances. It *might* be a plan of the Anointed One to... to.... Well, to do *something*."

"Right. Well, I'm going home, too. I'll see if I can find something about revenants and music."

"What would you know about that sort of thing?" he asked, brow furrowed.

She rolled her eyes. "You haven't got a monopoly on research, Info Guy. Besides, I've got connections in the occult community. After all--" She blinked, and Giles tensed, recognising the signs. Sure enough:

CALENDAR: I'm a witch, I'm a pagan, Watch the stars, just like Sagan. Throw the bones, read the cards-- It's really not that hard. You know I know your need-- So what if you wear tweed? You know--

She cut herself off. "Buffy's right. That *is* weird. That does it. I'm gone."

Giles watched her retreat. *This promises to be interesting,* he thought as the door closed behind her. *And there -is- something odder than odd going on....*


"Maybe it was just a fluke," Xander suggested the next morning in Mrs Giry's English class.

"I'd say everyone in the area taking turns pulling a Judy Garland is a little more than a fluke," Buffy disagreed.

"At least no-one's dead," Willow said, trying to look on the bright side.

"Yet," Buffy and Xander said in chorus.

At the front of the class, Mrs Giry began calling roll. The crackle of the PA system heralded yet another announcement by their more-or-less respected principal.

"Students of Sunnydale," he began. There was a brief moment of silence. Buffy felt a cold finger along her spine.

"Uh-oh," she said.


"Students of Sunnydale," came the voice again.

SNYDER: Let your principal Snyder Tell you what to do. Yeah, let your principal Snyder Tell you people what you need to do.

"Is that a bass guitar?" Xander wondered.

SNYDER: Now, when you walk across the campus, You know you better not fight. You better not be smokin', and you better not biiiiite. You better listen to me, Believe me when I say That I will slap you in detention Until the Judgment Day--

A crackle of static, and the solo was over.

"Wow," said Willow.

Almost as one, the entire class-- except for Willow, Buffy, and Xander, stood up.

FRESHMAN: All of us students Fall to our knees.

ALL: Oh, show-- show us some mercy, principal, please. Why disobey? we have nothing to gain. We know you don't play, sir, we're not insane. La la la la, la la la la....

Everyone sat down again. Mrs Giry continued calling roll.

"Okay, who wants Prozac?" asked Xander.

"I'll check in with Ms Calendar, and see if she's found anything useful," Willow said, after class had ended-- thankfully, without further calliopean calamity.

"Meet you at the library after school?" Buffy asked.

"Right. Xander, who are you-- never mind," Willow said, as she watched Xander head off at Buffy's side. She shook her head and moved off to the computer lab.

"Ms Calendar?" No reply. "Hmmm. Maybe she left a note...?" Nothing. "Well, I'll just do a little independent research," Willow decided, taking her favourite terminal in the lab, which was quite deserted.

She booted up, stretching her fingers in the manner of a master pianist as she did so. Invoking Netscape, she began running a search on "revenant" and "magical music". She felt her self-esteem rising by the second. "Right here, in the moment," she mused, "I'm where I ought to... be..." She stood up, slowly, turning in a circle to survey the quiet terminals. She moved from one to the other, turning them on.

WILLOW: In the heat of the moment, I may run and hyde, 'Cos fighting's not my game-- I am the ghost inside. In the world of the cyber, I know what to do. Nothing holds us back-- me and my CPU.

[The lights dim dramatically, but the various terminals begin to run their screen savers in a strobe-like manner. WILLOW continues:]

I'm a silicon soldier-- a "computer geek". Call me what you want, I know I am unique. An adrenalin rush hits when I ride my wave. Call me what you will, I know "delete" from "save".

COMPUTERS: She can make-- let her make

WILLOW: The most of my machinery....

[Dance routine. Think the Fly Girls meet the Spice Girls, only cooler.]

With will and intellect, I am complete-- Baby, I can tell "deliver" from "delete." Movin' into a new world, I will make it there, Burnin' up the night: Magnesium and air.

COMPUTERS: WILLOW: Hoo hoo hoo-- hoo hoo hoo I will make, oh, let me make. The most of my machinery--

The lights flipped back up suddenly, cutting all of them off in mid-hoo.

"Um, Willow...." Nikki Calendar said, regarding her young friend a bit dubiously.


Cordelia Chase strolled across the lawn, turning heads and catching eyes.

"Wowww...." sighed a freshman.

"Eeeyeah...." agreed his friend.

"Wish *I* had a girl like that," said a third. Of course, she didn't even notice them.

FRESHMEN: Shining hair and a lipstick smile, Finest girl I've seen for a... while. Yeah, she is really hot. Garbed in Gucci and Lacroix, Scarlet polish on every... claw. No-one's got what she's got.

And if I thought I could Man, I would Have a High School Queen, Young and lean, Only just sixteen....


"I'm gonna make a call," Buffy said, as they walked across campus. "A *private* call," she added pointedly, as Xander followed her to the booth.

"Oh. Guess I know who you're calling," Xander said.

"Well, we have to know if he's found out anything," she said, a bit defensively.

Xander backed off several yards, giving her some space. That's what you're supposed to do with girls, he knew. *Cosmo* said so.

*She's the Slayer, he's a vampire. And me? I'm just a goofy Slayerette. Man.*

XANDER: I'm just a Slayerette. It's pretty cool... and yet... I find myself a little disappointed. Battling bugs and clowns can really get you down; And double that when fighting the Anointed. I'm not the smoothest guy-- that doesn't mean that I Have no romantic leaning. You want, but you don't get When you're just a Slayerette-- if you get my meaning. 'Cos IIIIIIIIIII ain't got no Buuuuuuffy--

FRESHMEN: Nobody cares for me, nobody, nobody--

XANDER & FRESHMEN: IIIIIIIIIII'm so sad and lonely

XANDER: Sad and lonely, sad and lonely, Why won't that Buffy take a look at me? What's Angel got?

[Dance number. The FRESHMEN form a kickline. XANDER does handsprings. The FOOTBALL team runs in a circle around them. We switch to an aerial view, and see that the guys have formed a large circle with a bar across it, and the sign for "woman" in the middle. Back to XANDER:]

XANDER: Bop! Boolseyboolsey bop! diddy bop! [He leaps to the top of a picnic table.] No Buffy!

FRESHMEN: [running alongside him] No Cordy!

XANDER: [leaps to the next table] No Buffy!

FRESHMEN: [running alongside him] No honey!

XANDER: [leaps to the next table] No Buffy!

FRESHMEN: [running alongside him] No baby!

XANDER: [leaps to the next table] No Buffy!

FRESHMEN: [running alongside him] Nobody!

XANDER: [stops. The FRESHMEN drop to their knees. EVERYONE throws their arms into the air ] No Buffy cares for me! [Pause. EVERYONE returns to their occupations. XANDER shakes his head and climbs down from the picnic table.]

"Xander!" the object of his affections said.

"Uh-- yeah?"

"You're doing it again," she informed him.

"Doing it-- doing what?-- oh. It. Man."

"Yeah. Man. You know, something really weird happens when people start singing."

"You mean, besides the actual singing?"

"It's like... like living in a show by Rodgers and Hammerstein. Never mind. Let's find Giles."

"I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, Ms Calendar said something about the Bee Gees...."

"Well, we've fought the forces of darkness. We should be able to handle Giles going disco on us."


Deep underground, yet another kind of conference was taking place. The ponytailed vampire was trying to explain to his dark master just why the Slayer was still alive.


"Yes, dark one," said Ponytail. He waited for the One to rip his head off. The One bent down, down, down, and bared nasty, sharp teeth. Opened his mouth. And...

[The ANOINTED ONE climbs onto the podium. A dippy percussion beat starts. EVERYONE simultaneously begins to do a truly dopey line dance involving slapping shoulders and hips.

ANOINTED ONE: I'm a righteous vampire and my name is the Anointed . Think that you can best me? You'll be sadly disappointed. Try and move against me and you'll soon be skinned and jointed.

VAMPIRES: Hey, the Anointed!

ANOINTED ONE: From now on, I expect you all to really hunt the Slayer. She may think she's somethin' but she's just a minor player. I hope to see the maggots shortly starting to decay her--

VAMPIRES: Hey, the Anointed!

"See what I mean?" Ponytail said, as they all ground to a halt.

"Yes," the Anointed One said, looking a bit nauseated. "However...." His typical evil smile returned. "If this is truly occurring to the Slayer and her friends, we can surely make use of the chaos that will result...."


Xander and Buffy returned to the library, where Willow was apparently trying to explain something to Giles and Ms Calendar.

"It was... well, it was in the key of C, I think. Anyway, there were special effects. Like a music video."

"So Sunnydale is being haunted by Kurt Loder?" wondered Xander.

"He's still alive," Buffy rolled her eyes.

"And he's a news guy, anyway," Willow concurred.

"Might we return to the main issue?" Giles asked, not-too-politely.

"Which is...?"

Well, I don't precisely know," the librarian admitted. "Still, it would seem to have something to do with our revenant. We'll have to wait for Angel to report before we can decide if the Anointed One is involved. Until then-- it would seem that research is called for."

Willow and Calendar exchanged looks; then both dashed for the terminal. Willow beat her by a hair. "You can help Giles." The Englishman promptly bolted for his stacks.

"I'll help you, instead," Calendar decided, and leaned over her student's shoulder.

Buffy sighed. Angel again. Much as she cared for him, she couldn't help but wonder if things wouldn't have been better if they'd never met. She shivered slightly.

[Music kicks in: Percussion only.]

BUFFY: I don't expect my love affairs to last for long; They're never human. It seems Sane relationships are dreams. Living here would give Doctor Laura pause-- The Hellmouth is the cause Of all that's wrong. So what happens now?

XANDER & WILLOW: Another boyfriend and another stake.

BUFFY: So what happens now?

XANDER & WILLOW: Another party turns into a wake.

BUFFY: Where am I going to?

XANDER & WILLOW: Don't forget, we're in this mess with you.

BUFFY: Where am I going to?

[She wanders to the window. XANDER idly leafs through a book.]

XANDER: I've always heard that puppy love will disappear, That it endures as well As a snowball in hell. Living here has got to be the cause of all our sorrow. Who cares about to-morrow, Or next year? So what happens now?

BUFFY & WILLOW: Another dream, another crash and burn.

XANDER: So what happens now?

BUFFY & WILLOW: Another journey takes a nasty turn.

XANDER: Where am I going to?

BUFFY & WILLOW: Don't forget, we're in the same boat, too.

XANDER: Where am I going to?

[XANDER sits down; BUFFY looks out the window. CALENDAR crosses to the stacks to GILES's side. WILLOW is left alone at the computer.]

WILLOW: I don't imagine anyone will care for me. I'm not pretty, I know-- At being dull, I'm a pro. Living here has never been my only aspiration-- My life's been imagination And fantasy. So what happens now...? So what happens now...? Where am I going to...? Where am I going to...?

ANGEL: [off-stage] Don't ask anymore....

[WILLOW returns to her work. ANGEL enters the library. GILES and CALENDAR are in the stacks.]

GILES: I have my work, and nothing more; But I'm afraid-- what if I fail her? I have to know her ev'ry move; Am I an ally or her jailor? When something strange is going on I ought to know what the Slayer should do...

CALENDAR: And when the going gets hard, There's so much pressure on you....

BUFFY: I have my work, but I want more! I hold my own-- or am I failing? What is the point of being young When such bad omens are prevailing? When I look out upon my life All I can see are so many shut doors. I have to fight for my life-- I have my work, I want more!

XANDER: She has her work, but for how long? She risks her life-- how can that be fair? And look at Giles-- that could be you!

WILLOW: I guess it's true-- that could be me there.

ANGEL: She has us here, we are her friends, But what to do if something should go wrong? How long can the centre hold? She has her work-- for how long?

CALENDAR: I will pray Ev'ry day Rupert may Find his way. I will pray Ev'ry day He finds his way.

XANDER: I will pray Ev'ry day Buffy may Find her way. I will pray Ev'ry day She finds her way.

GILES: BUFFY: I have my work, and nothing more, I have my work, but I want more-- But I'm afraid-- what if I fail her? Am I the best-- or just a failure? I've got to try-- I must be strong, And though it seems I can't go on, Can't let my weakness harm you...! I'll do it for all of you...!

[GILES and CALENDAR move to the balcony, and down the stairs. BUFFY, WILLOW, ANGEL, and XANDER join them.]

GILES & BUFFY: CALENDAR, ANGEL, XANDER, WILLOW: I will pray I will pray Ev'ry day Ev'ry day That I may That they may Find a way Find a way I will pray I will pray Ev'ry day Ev'ry day To find a way. They'll find their way.

ALL: I will pray Ev'ry day That we may Find a way I will pray Ev'ry day Love finds a way...!

There was a moment of silence.

"I'm kind of getting used to this," Xander remarked.

"So, uh, Angel," Buffy said, "what's the word?"

"You're not going to like it," he sighed.

"Do we ever?"

"Well, the good news is, I don't think the Anointed One, or any of the vampires, have anything to do with whatever's going. Bad news is, he's sure to try and take advantage of it."

"So, we're in trouble. As usual. Have I mentioned I really hate this school?" Xander wondered.

"Not lately," Willow replied.

Giles said, "It would seem--"

"That research is called for," everyone else in the room, including Angel, chorused.

He looked miffed. "Indeed." He stalked back up the stairs, trailed by Ms Calendar. Willow grabbed Xander's arm and towed him over to the computer.

Buffy faced Angel. "So... books, or binary?"

"Why not look through the newspaper microfiche?"

"Cool. Let's go."

"I'll... be right there." She nodded, and moved over to the large filing cabinet.

ANGEL: [softly] I dreamed a dream, so long ago, That I would have someone to hold me. That dreams were lies, and could not be Was something no-one ever told me....

"But the damned ones walk at night Bringing death within the shadows. They can tear your world apart And they turn your hopes to fear. And all a soul has done for me Is take the certainties from my life, And bring a love that cannot be Into a heart that once was empty...."

Buffy looked back. "You gonna help, or are you having, like, a flashback?"

He smiled, slightly, and went to her.


At the Bronze, life was much as usual. Most of Sunnydale's youth moved through the crowd. Also as usual, Cordelia sat at the centre of the bar, her hangers-on clustered around her.

HANGERS-ON [GIRLS]: If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, Go to where retro means "the Fonz": Hangin' at the Bronze.

HANGERS-ON [GUYS]: Find some girls, like brunettes, some gorgeous red-heads, Somebody special, maybe blondes-- Hangin' at the Bronze.

CORDELIA: [pointing scornfully at a RIVAL] She got her nose job done in Tiajuana-- Tryin' hard to dance just like Madonna!

HANGERS-ON: Oh, I wanna! [They realise their mistake, and hurry to rally around CORDELIA again. Shift in the beat, from Roaring 'Twenties to calypso-style.]

De Bronze, it is always cooler When Cordelia's in de house! You posers, you cannot fool her, She know lion from a mouse! If you are not in de in crowd, You better head for de door. A big crowd become a thin crowd,

CORDELIA How could someone ask for more?

HANGERS-ON: Cordy's de man, Cordy's de man! No-one can mock us, no-one can rock us like Cordy can!

CORDELIA: Buffy may think she's number one-- But I'm the hottest under the sun, I got no worry, I'm in no hurry, 'Cos I'm the man!

[Dance scene. Carefully choreographed lambada-ing. CORDELIA stands atop the bar, observing.]

ALL: Cordy's de man-- Cordy's de man! No-one can trash us, sneer at and thrash us like Cordy can!

So what if we all look de same? Hey, dat's de adolescent game! You're insecure, yeah, dat is for sure When you're de man!


ALL: You got no true friends if you got split ends, When you're de man!

CORDELIA: Waitaminute--!

ALL: You'll crash and burn when it is your turn-- And we will return de lessons we learned-- Life is unsteady, we know already, When you're de man! [EVERYONE goes back to dancing and talking. CORDELIA looks a bit shaken.]

"Well," she muttered. "No-one said being popular was easy...."


"Nothing," Willow said, frustrated. "Nothing, nothing, nothing."

"I'm afraid we've done no better," admitted Giles.

"I, however, may have gotten something done," Buffy informed them, grinning.

"I just bet," muttered Xander. He did a double-take. "Hey, where's Tall, Dark, and Cryptic?"

"He said he had something to do," Buffy sighed, then got herself back on track. "We dug up some old articles about a songwriter who died mysteriously in the area, back in the 'twenties."

"Songwriter? as in, composer?" Calendar asked, eyes brightening.

"Bingo. I think he's our ghost."

"But how can we prove it?" Willow said, turning from the terminal.

"And what do we do about it?" Xander added.

"And how do we plan to handle the vampires about to run amok in the town?" asked Angel, appearing [as ever], out of nowhere.

"Yeah, how-- what??"

"Sorry-- new information time," the vampire sighed. "The Anointed One knows something of an occult nature is occurring, but not what. He figures you'll be too busy handling the new threat to worry about him...."

"A two-front war. Precisely what I did *not* want to deal with. Well, I suppose it was bound to happen, sooner or later." Giles rubbed his eyes wearily.

A guitar chord sounded. "Oh, man," Xander groaned. "Here we go again...."

[GILES steps forward to a dry-erase board and draws what is either a map of Sunnydale, or a Cubist version of an Escher print and turns to the OTHERS. Miles beneath the town, the ANOINTED ONE is addressing his VAMPIRES.]

GILES: Sunnydale is under attack.

ANOINTED ONE: Sunnydale will soon be a snack.

GILES: Good preparation is just what we need.

ANOINTED ONE: Get prepared, friends, for soon we will feed.

GILES: Sunnydale-- cheery and bright...

BUFFY: Yeah, that's just what it is, until night!

VAMPIRES: Well-a, well-a, well-a, umph! Tell me more, tell me more!

VAMPIRE 1: Can we kill ev'ry man?

OTHER VAMPIRES: Tell me more, tell me more--

BUFFY: [spoken, while rolling her eyes] Like, do we have a plan?

ALL: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh....

ANOINTED ONE: Just remember-- we're not safe yet.

BUFFY: Hey, wait, the spook-- or did you forget?

VAMPIRE 1: The Slayer chick is still on the scene.

GILES: The *revenant*-- is that what you mean?

ALL: [LIBRARY] Sunnydale-- cheery and bright--

ALL: [VAMPIRES] Oh, I can just barely wait for tonight!

ALL: [ALL] Well-a, well-a, well-a, umph! Tell me more, tell me more!

ANOINTED ONE: All their hopes will collapse!

ALL: Tell me more, tell me more!

GILES: An exorcism, perhaps?

ALL: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh....

[VAMPIRES disperse.]

ALL: [LIBRARY] Tell me more, tell me more!

CALENDAR: Willow, we're on the hack!

ALL: [LIBRARY] Tell me more, tell me more!

XANDER: Buffy, I'll watch your back!

ALL: [LIBRARY] Tell me more, tell me more!

GILES: I'll retreat to the stacks!

ALL: [LIBRARY] Tell me more, tell me more!

BUFFY & ANGEL: We're prepared for the flak!

ALL: Sunnydale-- cheery and bright-- Yeah, that's just what it is until niiiiiight!

"Okay, we have *got* to cut that out!" Xander exclaimed. "It's getting *way* too weird!"

"Plus, we're *not* going to do more research," Willow said flatly. "We already know who; we just have to figure out *why*."

"I did suggest an exorcism," Giles pointed out.

"Not an exorcism," Calendar said, thoughtfully. "How about just trying to reach this guy-- what's his name?"

"Andrew Ancile," Angel announced.

"You were thinking a contact circle?" Giles inquired.

"It's probably the easiest," Calendar said.

Calendar turned to the computer and called up a graphics editor. She yanked a disk from her purse and inserted it into the floppy, and called up circle.jpg. "Dim the lights, someone," she said.

"How come it's always got to be dark for this stuff to work?" Xander wondered, as he turned off the overheads.

"It just adds to the creep factor," Willow said.

Giles watched Calendar with his lips pursed. "Why not just use the powder? One power failure, and it's gone."

"One good breeze, and your powder's gone," she countered.

"What about--"

"Can we just get on with it?" Buffy suggested.

"Right. Okay." A few more keystrokes, and the air in the room took on a strange, tense feeling. From the computer speakers, a .wav file played.

.WAV CHORUS: [Gregorian-style] This I say, and this I know; As above, so below. Let us Hear, and let us See: As we ask, so let it be....

Slowly, the glowing form of a man appeared, hovering over the terminal.

"Hey, got it right the first try," muttered Calendar.

"Mister Ancile?" Buffy asked, tentative.

The figure rotated in mid-air. Slowly, slowly, it raised one spectral hand and pointed at her. "You," he intoned.

"Me?" she squeaked.

"You. Hear me, o mortal girl--"

"Oh, great. Here we go again," groaned Xander.

ANCILE: Let me tell ya a story, 'bout an ordinary guy Who made a mix of spells and music; okay, alright, that is, he tried. Thought he'd make a rockin' wizard, thought he'd make a sight to see. Okay, alright, he got it half right-- alright, okay, the shmuck is me. Shmuck is me, shmuck is me-- Shmuck is me, shmuck is me-- Oooh-ooh, oooo-ooh.

Now, understand, it isn't like I was a bad guy-- It's only that I kinda went a little wrong. I tell ya, bein' stuck down here makes me a sad guy. Wontcha please give me a hand? I been down here way too long!

Ya know, ya got a reputation for gettin' folks out of a jam. So I thought I'd bug on over, 'cos I must admit I am. I always tried to do the right thing, I don't deserve this misery. Whip out a wand and do the spell thing. Have some mercy, please, on me. Mercy me, mercy me-- Mercy me, mercy me- Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh.

"Uh-huh," Buffy said. "So let's try that again. You want us to help you get to wherever you're going?"

"That's the idea, doll," said Ancile. The ghost sat on top of the monitor, looking dejected.

"Exactly what happened?" Giles frowned. "I thought, if I could combine music-making and spell-making, it'd make the spells stronger. Why do ya think so many of 'em rhyme, anyway? Anyway, I was doin' pretty well, until...."

"I know I'm gonna regret this," Xander said, "but until what?"

"It involves mucus and a one-horse open sleigh. Still want the details?"


"Anyway, when I bought it, I sorta got stuck. I've just been hangin' out... I know ya helped Sid; so I figured, maybe you could help me, too."

"You know Sid?" asked Buffy, eyes wide.

"Knew him, doll. He's gone ahead-- where *I* wanna go," he added, wistfully.

"So you're responsible for all the, ah, song and dance?" Giles enquired.

"Looks like it, son. Sorry. I don't know why, though."

"The Hellmouth, I suppose," Giles said.

"*Deux es Britannica*," murmured Nikki Calendar.

ANCILE: [slowly] I always tried to do the right thing, I don't deserve this misery. So, Buffy, tell me, can ya help me? Slayer, can ya set me free?

[The VAMPIRES are stalking the streets. Dark, low string music with an atavistic pulse punctuates their song.]

VAMPIRES: Night is burning, time is fleeting. Now, there is no cause to stall. Unsuspecting mortal victims; we will rise, and they will fall. Deaf and night-blind, fragile mortals think they rule the upper earth. Dinner is all they are good for; limited and finite worth. We know we must follow orders-- orders we are glad to take. Although we know we might end up finished by the Slayer's stake. Killing means that we survive and killing is what we do well. And should we die, rest assured that all the humans will go straightway with us to Hell...!

Vampires were moving through the city, taking a little here, a little there. Never enough to kill. Just enough to feed. And leaving nightmares in their wake. A woman woke up screaming, not sure why. A man had an anxiety attack that left him crumpled on the ground in his backyard, his wife hovering over him. Silent and silent and silent, moving like shadows over water.

ANGEL: [off-stage] For the damned ones walk at night, Making mockery of safety, Shut away from dawning light, Hating what they cannot be....

If any of them had had the sense to look, they would have seen a small, slim figure hiding in the bushes surrounding the playground....

BUFFY: I know, through all the years of pain, Through all the doubt, and all the weeping, Hope disappeared like tears in rain-- So let love rise from where it's sleeping....

[He does not reply.]

On my own, I walk through dark and stillness.... And I know the bloodlust is an illness. Without him, my life would not be easy, But at least there'd be less conflict, as it is, he drives me crazy.

In the night, I know he walks forever. As I hunt, I know he leaves me never. Without me, would he have pain to ride him? Or would he be much better off, and have the dark to hide him?

ANGEL: [off-stage] And the night is harsh and cruel, With no gentle arms to hold me. And control is hard to keep-- But there's a gentle voice to scold me....

BUFFY: I love him-- that's all I need to know. I love him--

ANGEL: [off-stage] --my love, you're not alone....

Buffy waited, coldly angry. All her Slayer instincts told her she should be out there, hunting them. Her brain told her she was doing the right thing; they had a plan, and she had to stick to it. In the darkness, the playground was wicked.

"You ready to do your thing, Andrew?" she whispered.

In hollow tones, a disembodied voice replied, "Yeah, doll. Listen, just for the record, if this doesn't work out-- if you can't release me-- it's no hard feelings. I know you'll do your best."

"Thanks, Andrew. And we'll figure out something. We're clever that way."

"That's the rumour, kid. You know what?"


"This is one goofy plan."

"They usually are."


"How come Angel's with Willow?" Xander demanded in a whisper.

"Because you and he bicker too much," Giles replied.

"Then how come I'm not with Buffy? I mean, don't you want some quality time with Ms C?"

"First of all, Buffy needs room to work. Second of all, no," the librarian said sternly. "Now, please, be quiet."

Ms Calendar gave Giles a speaking look, then returned her attention to her laptop. The screen showed a diagram of the playground, with a red, pulsing spot in the middle. "I'm all set," she assured them, absently.

Xander leaned a little closer to Giles. "Nice move, Rico Suave."

"I beg your pardon?"

"You missed your cue, Giles. You were supposed to say something like, 'I would most cehtainly like some quality time with Ms Calendah, but we have a greatah mission. Latah, howevah, I plan to jump heh bones.' Or, okay, something like that."

"Your accent is dreadful," Giles informed him.

"I was scared by Michael Easton when I was a kid."

"Relationships only serve to complicate an already complicated situation, Xander," Giles said, quietly. "I've learned that the hard way. Involving someone in my life would only endanger her."

"Really? I don't know what kind of girls *you've* been hanging with, but the girls *I* know-- Buffy and Will, and Ms Calendar-- are pretty good at taking care of themselves." Xander thought about it. "Heck, they're pretty good at taking care of themselves, and everyone else, too."

XANDER: It takes a woman to stand by your side When facing down bad guys who've recently died. And it takes a woman with spellbook and candle To help you with problems that you just can't handle. Yes, it takes a woman, a clever woman, A girlfriend, a lady, a pal. Oh, yes, it takes a woman, a nervy woman, To give you a hand in SoCal.

GILES: I've found that often, love adds to the riot, Disrupting my peace, and disturbing my quiet. I've got so much trouble stacked up on my shoulders, Can't ask her to share these Sisyphean boulders. Though I'd like a woman, a friendly woman, I know how to act on my own. And yes, I'd like a woman, a lively woman, But I'll have to go it alone.

XANDER: Whoa, listen, buddy, you're missing the mark, here, A sweetheart could help you make light in the dark, here. Just try and convince her she isn't that strong, And you'll be the one she'll prove to be wrong, Because it takes a woman, a "Braveheart" woman, A woman who knows what is right. Oh, yes, it takes a woman, a clever woman, To give you a hand in the fight!

BOTH: Oh, yes, it takes a woman, a clever woman, A sweetheart, a lady, a pal! That's right, it takes a woman, a loving woman To give you a hand in SoCaaaaal!

Calendar had picked up a walkie-talkie. "Ready?"

"Ready," Buffy replied.

Ancile re-appeared. "Willow and the vamp are set, too."

"Okay," Calendar replied. "Here we go." She pressed "enter".

For a mile-wide radius, vampire heads snapped up. Vampire eyes sparked. Vampire instincts kicked in.

Angel stiffened.

"You okay?" Willow asked, uncertainly.

He shivered. "Yeah. It just feels... *good*."

Willow didn't like the sound of that. He seemed to sense her fear, because he shook his head, hard, and forced a smile.

"What kind of spell *is* that?" he wondered.

"Ms Calendar said it was sort of the psychic equivalent of an Exxon *Valdez* full of blood. I have *got* to get her to show me how she does that," she added ingenuously. Angel's jaw dropped slightly.

Ancile phased in. "Hey, Angel-boy. Hey, Red. Everything's going to plan, seems like."

"Hi, Mister Ancile. We're on our way," Willow said, calmly raising a SuperSoaker full of holy water. She adjusted the small crossbow, already loaded with stakes, that hung at her waist, and checked to make sure the pouch that hung beside it was loaded. She started off, and then glanced behind her. "You coming?"

"Uh, yeah," Angel said. Willow nodded, and kept going.

"Where were girls like her and Buffy when *I* was growin' up?" Ancile wondered. He phased out again.

Angel went after Willow. *I should've taken that bouncer's job in Toronto,* he mused.

Like iron to a magnet, vampires converged on the middle of the playground. Buffy stepped out, smiling ever-so-slightly. The ponytailed vampire stepped out to face her.

"You should've run when you had the chance," he snarled.

"Yeah, whatever."

*Here we go,* thought Ancile.

[BUFFY and PONYTAIL begin to circle each other. Their movements is rather like the choreography of "Beat It", only more so.]

VAMPIRES: Night is burning, time is fleeting. Now, there is no cause to stall. Unsuspecting mortal victims; we will rise, and they will fall. Deaf and night-blind, fragile mortals think they rule the upper--

[The VAMPIRES all look a bit odd, then take a deep breath and recommence. However, now the music is brassy and light:]

VAMPIRES: It's time to face the music! It's time to face the night! Get set to join the party Of the ones who shun the light!

[Chaos, mitigated by anarchy. WILLOW cheerfully SuperSoaks, then stakes, a vampire. ANGEL settles for the simple, yet elegant, neck-snap. The main activity centres around BUFFY and PONYTAIL.]

VAMPIRES: It's time to do the game face! It's time to show some fang! It's time to show the Slayer She should not oppose Our Gang!

XANDER: [pausing] Why does this always happen? I really hate to brawl!

WILLOW: [grabs his arm, pulling him back towards the action] Oh, come on, I'll be with you-- Come on, we'll miss it all!

XANDER, WILLOW, & MS CALENDAR: It's time to kick some butt, guys, It's time to bust a move!

BUFFY: Those musty old traditions-- This girl will *so* improve!

[The fight continues. MS CALENDAR, GILES, and XANDER join the fray, and the forces of Darkness are rapidly decimated, until less than a half-dozen vampires remain. Suddenly, EVERYONE stops and strikes a pose.]

ALL: It's the allegorical, metaphorical, meteorical, living-in-So-Cal-- This is what we call the Buffy Show!

[Pause. Blink. Blink.]

"...the *hell*??" gasped Ponytail. "The *what* show?"

"Buffy!" Willow called. She tossed her crossbow to her friend. Buffy caught it gracefully, aimed and fired in one smooth move.


Ponytail was dust in the wind.

VAMPIRES: All we are is dust in the wind. Dust-- in the wind... Everything is--

"Andrew, that's enough!" Buffy called. She turned to the remaining vampires. And smiled.

They broke and ran.

"Sometimes," Buffy said, reflectively, "having a reputation is a good thing." She turned-- and saw Angel, lying on the ground, hair in disarray, jacket discarded, white tank top torn. "Angel!" She ran to his side. He reached up and gently stroked her cheek.

"It's time for me to go," he whispered huskily.

"No! No, you-- you can't be--!" she gasped, a tear running down her cheek.

ANGEL: Don't cry for me, darling Buffy-- I am ready to pay for sinning. All of my evil, the times I took life-- This is the ending To my beginning.

He pressed his hand to his chest, and moaned softly.

"No," she whispered. "Please, no."

ANGEL: Don't cry for me, lovely Slayer.... [Their lips meet in a kiss. She touches his chest-- then pulls away, rolling her eyes.]

"Oh. My. God. Come on, it's just a little splinter," she said, tugging on his arm. "Get up, you big wuss."

"Oh. Right," he said, a bit sheepishly. "I suppose that's that, then." He brushed a loose strand of hair from Buffy's eyes.

"Not yet," Buffy corrected him. "We still have to help.... Andrew?"

The surprise in her voice caught everyone's attention. Andrew Ancile was floating above the earth; but his green, ghostly glow had been replaced with a shining, white light.

"I think I'm already helped, doll," he said, his voice echoing and re-echoing in the night. "Thaaaaankkkkkksssssss...."

He was gone.

"We don't get much in the way of closure, do we?" Xander said.

There was a long, quiet moment. "So, what do we watch?" Willow asked. "*Psycho IV* or *Bad Dreams*?"

"I'll, um, have to pass on that," Giles said quickly.

"What else're you going to do?" Buffy asked.

"Ah... I was thinking I might spend some... quality time. With someone." He carefully cleaned his glasses.

"Riiiiight," Xander spoke up hastily. "We'll just be going, then." He linked arms with Buffy and Willow and hurried them off, Angel trailing behind them.

Ms Calendar looked at the librarian. "So, what do we watch?" she asked. "A movie? the stars?"

"I was, um, thinking more along the lines of a sunrise."

Her eyes got very wide. "You were."

"Um... Yes?"

"Well. Okay."

He blinked. "Okay?"

"Okay. But we're taking my car...."

"What was that all about?" Buffy asked, as Xander escorted them off.

"Guy stuff," he said, mysteriously.

"Then don't tell us any more," she said quickly.

"We can go to my place," Angel volunteered. They looked at him. "I have a VCR," he said, a bit testily.

"Great," Buffy smiled, linking her arm with his.

"Just one big, happy family," muttered Xander.

Willow nudged him in the ribs. "Believe it, mister." He smiled down at her, and put his arm around her shoulder. *It takes a woman, a clever woman, A sweetheart, a lady, a pal....*

Buffy stopped in the street. "Uh-oh."

"What uh-oh?" Xander stopped, too.

She sighed, then grinned. "Closing credits." *Thanks, Andrew.*

[Slow, easy percussion and synthesizers.]

BUFFY: And when the storm Has run its course, Don't you feel sad, Don't feel remorse.

WILLOW: 'Cos you've got friends Who wish you well. And they will help you To beat back Hell.

Say it now: Shoop, shoop, shoop...

BUFFY, WILLOW, XANDER, & ANGEL: Sometimes you fight, Sometimes you lose. Just pay attention To what you choose.

'Cos you've got friends To stand by you. And they will be there To see you through.

Sayin' now: Shoop, shoop, shoop....

===============END ============

The Songs, in order:

The Parody: To the tune of:
"Oh, What a Paranoid Evening""Oh, What a Beautiful Morning"
"Leader of the Pack""Leader of the Pack"
Stayin' Alive""Stayin' Alive"
Buffy/Angel duet"The Phantom of the Opera"
Principal Snyder's solo"Midnight Special"
"Show us some mercy..."[The Brothers appeal to Joseph for Benjamin's life]
"Ghost in the Machinery""GitM, [Sarah Brightman, *Fly*]
"I'm Just a Slayerette""I'm Just a Gigolo"
"High School Queen""Dancing Queen"
"Just a Slayerette/HS Queen" duet
"The Anointed""Macarena"
"Relationship Blues""Another Suitcase in Another Hall"
"I Have My Work""You Have Your Work"
"Angel's Dream""I Dreamed a Dream"
"Hangin' at the Bronze""Puttin' on the Ritz"
"When You're the Man""Under the Sea"
"Sunnydale""Summer Lovin'"
"Set Me Free""Christy Lee"
"O Mortuus""O Fortuna"
"Angel's Dream" [reprise] "I Dreamed a Dream"
"On My Own""On My Own"
"It Takes a Woman""It Takes a Woman"
"The Buffy Show Theme""The Muppet Show Theme"
"Don't Cry for Me, Darling Buffy""Don't Cry for Me, Argentina"
Finale"Waiting To Exhale"

And, no, I haven't done complete lyrics to these suckers. I have my sanity. Okay, I don't have much of my sanity, but I have enough of it that I can't do that. *g*

Thanks for your time.

Elaine McMillian

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