The Evil Overlord's Guide to Sunnydale

by havocthecat and Christina K
Copyright 2002

Inspiration was received from various Horsechickly conversations and the Evil Overlord List by Peter Anspach.

1. Evil pod minions are boring. If you're going to be evil, pick minions who are at least fun. Try for intelligence, but you just can't expect intelligence in a minion.

1A. The Harmony Corollary: Unless you're Harmony, in which case your minions are edging up on your IQ, so it's a moot point whether they're smart or not.

2. All minions are dumb. Yes, this did need to be restated.

3. If you want to get the job done well, do it yourself. True. Minions are for hauling people around, guarding doors to give you time to get away, dying to give you time to get away, and getting take-out. Anything else is asking too much.

4. Occasionally minions are also useful for a distraction in an alternate location while you execute your true evil plan in another, supposedly more secret location.

5. Be sure that your minions don't talk once they're caught. Try to be sure that they'll be more afraid of you, somewhere else, than of the Slayer, beating them up right there.

6. Be sure to read your standard Evil Overlord rules before coming to Sunnydale.

7. If you're keeping up on the Evil Overlord BB, you might have a better shot as well. Tips from those who've been there are always helpful.

7A. The Drusilla Corollary: No Evil Overlords have made it out of Sunnydale as Evil Overlords besides Drusilla. (Angel doesn't count, since Angelus didn't make it out; Spike went and got all soft on us, and Darla had to be resurrected and re-vamped). Dru's tips, though? Unless you're talking manicure, not so helpful.

Re: Sunnydale

First you must be very sure to plant daisies about the stones, and when they come up from the ground, pluck them and squeeze them hard so that the stars cry out for blood. Then you should correct Miss Edith and tell her that her grammar is wrong and she is a *very* naughty girl while the stones whisper their little stories to you and the trees whisper at you that the wind chills them. The Slayer is a bad, horrid little girl and has a little dolly of her own that pierces the air with her shrieking until you have to pull a curtain over her head. But the one thing that you absolutely mustn't forget is the little tiny fishes that nip at your fingers and toes. *That's* the key; put the fishies in the lock, win the night.

7B. The Second Drusilla Corollary: Trying to read any symbolism into the above is pointless if you're not Spike.

8. The Anointed One may have been a five year old child, but he was the wrong five year old child to go over your plans. Find a real, non-vampiric five year old child and bribe him or her with candy to find all the loopholes in your plans. Just remember to make it a child whose parents live in Sunnydale, because they'll be so far into denial they may not realize the kid's gone.

9. The Slayer is annoying and pesky. The longer she takes to find out you exist, the longer you have to bring your evil plans to fruition.

10. Hiding from the Slayer is never a bad idea. Just because she's one short bottle-blonde doesn't mean she isn't good at what she does.

10A. The Hair Dye Corollary: Possibly enchanting her hair dye to reduce her intellect is a good idea. If it worked in L.A. with Cordelia, it'll work in Sunnydale with Buffy.

10B. The Willow Hair Dye Corollary: On the other hand, it makes Willow go *evil* if you mess with her hair color.

10C. The Anya Hair Dye Corollary: Only Anya is immune to the power of Clairol; she remains focused and dangerous whether human, demon, blonde, or brunette. Try to find out the secret from her, in case anyone wants to turn the power against you.

11. The power of Denial is on your side, but only so far. If you're doing anything more complicated than killing a bystander, you may want a diversion. Bake sales are always a good start. The Slayer and her friends are easily distracted by chocolatey goodness.

12. Kidnapping the Slayer's family members, friends, and significant others never turns out well. Occasionally, it's fatal for the kidnapper, as well as inconvenient for the kidnappee. This is minion work; never do it yourself. See above re: distraction. Also, the threat of raising a past Big Bad from the dead will sufficiently distract the Slayer by bringing up memories of the crises of past years.

13. The Slayer is always most off her game when emotionally upset/distracted. The Slayer is also most dangerous two seconds later, when she realizes that you messed with her head with this purpose in mind. Again, it's a good idea to keep her so busy she can't think or be far enough away that it doesn't matter, because actually, there *are* degrees of being dead, and the Slayer is good at inflicting most of them.

14. If caught in villainy, blame Spike. This will so annoy the Slayer that it may buy you crucial minutes in which to run away.

15. If caught by Spike in villainy, either offer to cut him in on the action (and then hit him when he isn't looking), or blame your activities on the Slayer, saying you're trying to help her. This may confuse him enough to buy you crucial time to again, run away.

16. Running away is the number one survival skill of anything that wants to survive more than a week on the Hellmouth.

17. Never gloat at the moment of victory. Never, ever, ever, ever. If the White Hats don't get you at that moment, your own minions/allies will.

17A. The Spike Corollary: Don't spend months gloating that you've stolen Spike's girlfriend away. Just when you think he's at his most helpless, you'll get a beat-down with a crowbar. This has nothing to do with Spike's moral state and everything to do with his low tolerance for frustration.

18. Your indestructible death trap is neither deadly or indestructible.

18A. The Xander Corollary: Please note that one of the chief White Hats of the town also wears a hard hat and does much in the way of contracting work--and Gods know you don't want to entrust valuable contracting work to your minions. Yes, they really *are* that dumb. Just accept it!

19. While the Slayer is deadly, Spike is dangerous, and various other White Hats are able to throw severe wrenches in your plans, it should be noted that pissing off Willow Rosenberg is considered an Incredibly Bad Idea if you want to rule over anything more than a burnt cinder.

19A. The Willow Corollary: Ms. Rosenberg has the tendency to take 'scorched earth' to new heights, despite being one of the so-called good guys. Pyrrhic victories that result in you being the Emperor of Ashes are not recommended. In fact, if you can lock her away while you work on your plans? Your likelihood of surviving them increases exponentially.

20. You may have the Hellmouth on your side, but so does everyone else; and as we learned on the SAT's, all systems tend toward Chaos. You are no more diabolically brilliant than anyone else who's tried and failed to bring about a reign of terror, so always have an escape portal to another plane ready to appear at any moment.

20A. The Dawn Corollary: Should said escape portal to another plane be a once-in-an-ever event, be sure to avoid the Slayer's little sister. Don't let her get another "My sister saved the world and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!" souvenir shirt. That'll doom you right there. Please see above comments on kidnapping the Slayer's loved ones (or even Spike).

21. The Slayer is not the brains of the White Hats. The Slayer is the Instinct and the Stompy Foot of the Forces of Good, but she is not the brains. Those would be (in relative order): Rupert Giles and Willow Rosenberg. Willow we've already discussed, and there are various demons on several planes who hide when "Ripper" is mentioned in their hearing. Again, get them out of the way, and you'll slow the Slayer down. For a while, anyway. Just be sure that wherever you put them, they can't do more damage from behind your lines than in front of them.

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