The Hellmouth's Greatest Threat

by havocthecat
Copyright 1998

Um, major silliness. I was writing badfic on the bus home from work when Jenny got way angry and started talking. Loudly.

"Hello," said the woman, who was wearing a deep emerald velvet dress. She leaned into the library and looked around. "I'm looking for my sister?" She stepped inside and came face to face with Rupert Giles. Her eyes, as emerald green as her dress, widened in surprise.

"May I help you?" He asked politely, though distractedly, while gazing deeply into her eyes.

"My sister?" She blinked and looked around. "Jenny Calendar? She wrote and told me that she needed me to come here."

"I'm sorry," said Giles, his eyes traveling up and down her lithe body. "Your sister's dead." A wordless cry of psychic energy burst from the woman, nearly staggering Giles with the strength of the anguish he could feel in it. She fell into his arms, muttering weakly. Giles bent his head to see if she was all right, and she pulled him down to her, kissing him feverishly.

"Goddamn it, Rupert," Jenny Calendar said, slamming through the doors of the library. "What the hell do you think you're doing? I died *two* *days* ago!"

The woman dropped to the floor abruptly. Rupert stood and looked at Jenny, his mouth hanging open and an expression of extreme shock on his face. "Jenny?" His eyes widened. "Dear God, I thought you were dead!"

"I was," she said, pushing her hair out of her eyes and giving the woman an exasperated look. "But do you honestly expect me to stay dead with a hussy like *that* after you?" Goddess, Rupert, what is it with women like them?"

"Excuse me?" It was all he could do to speak, befuddled as he was.

"Mary Sues." Jenny glared around the library, possibly searching for more of them. "Did she touch anything? We'll have to disinfect."

"She's not, ah, your sister?" Rupert took off his glasses and began polishing them, steadfastly avoiding looking at either woman.

"Of course not!" Jenny threw up her arms in frustration. "I told you that I'm an only child!" She crossed her arms and glared at Rupert. "She wasn't given up for adoption, we weren't forcibly separated at a young age, we didn't have any strange mystical experiences that bonded us in the womb, she's bloody *Mary* Sue*!"

"And who, might I ask, is Mary Sue?" Giles put his glasses back on, as they really couldn't get any cleaner, and proceeded to file index cards with a concentration that was, perhaps, a bit more than needed for such a simple task.

"*She* is," said Jenny. "So are a million other women. At least it feels like a million, because there are so many of them." She sighed. "Mary Sue happens to be a particularly hideous form of possession. Unfortunately, the Hellmouth seems to attract a larger than usual amount of them." Jenny started pacing back and forth. "Mary Sues tend to have astonishingly beautiful and unusually colored eyes, amazing psychic powers, usually telepathy, gorgeous, well-stacked figures, incredibly loud and amazing singing abilities." She turned and looked Giles in the eyes. "They also have the power to make attractive male leads fall instantly in love with them for no reason whatsoever."

"Attractive," said Giles, smiling slightly and glancing up from his filing at Jenny.

"Oh, don't start with me, Rupert Giles," said Jenny. "You're in enough trouble as it is."

The woman shifted and raised her head, opening her mouth. A single, pure note rang from her throat, and...

...Jenny grabbed a stake off the table and plunged it into Mary Sue's back.

"Dear God!" Giles stared in shock as the woman's corpse dissipated into mist. He stared at Jenny, who smiled grimly. "Are you..." He paused and glanced in the direction of the cemetery. "Going back?"

"Hardly," said Jenny. "Since there are reports of my death everywhere, Mary Sues are going to be showing up by the score in Sunnydale. Hurt/comfort Mary Sues even, who are the worst of the breed." She smiled and took a step toward him. "Someone's got to protect you."

"So, ah, what do we do now?" Giles set his filing down *very* carefully.

"Well," said Jenny, taking another step closer, "there's something we haven't had the chance to do yet."

"That would be what?" Rupert swallowed, and Jenny kissed him and dragged him down behind the desk.

"Shut up, Rupert," Jenny told him, flinging his tie into the air, and then no words were spoken for a *very* long time.


Back to SunS Fanfic.