Attack of the Mutant Bunniesby Puck
Rating: DS for damn silly and a PG-13 for cursing and silly violence.
It was a day like any other. A few announcements, a few minor problems. Things were running smoothly. No mysterious muffins had appeared anywhere. Josh was now sure to check that, just in case. Not that he thought it would happen again, mind you. That was sort of a one fic joke. He was sure if there were any sequels it would be some other fiend that attacked them.
Not that he was looking forward to any sequels.
He leaned on the doorway near Donna's desk. "You notice how everything seems pretty quiet today?"
She looked up. "What do you mean?"
"I don't know. Just nothing's happened. Seems like most days there's some sort of big problem for one of us and some little problems for the rest of us. But there doesn't seem to be anything like that going on today."
She shrugged. "Maybe it just hasn't happened yet."
There was a sudden ominous chord of music. Josh covered his eyes with a hand. "I have a feeling I'm going to regret you saying that."
As he contemplated their possible foes he heard a commotion in the hallway. When he looked up he saw Bartlet coming down the hall, dressed in jeans and a plaid shirt, a pick ax slung on his shoulder. He marched past, humming, flanked by secret service men and Charlie, who had on khakis, a hunting jacket and a hat he might have stolen from Elmer Fudd.
Josh stopped him. "Where's Bartlet going with that pick ax?"
"He thinks there's buried treasure in Alaska."
Josh blinked at him a moment, then shook his head. "Someone's got to talk to Puck about watching The Daily Show when she writes these things."
((Hey it's on three times a day, it's hard not to watch it.))
Charlie shook his head. "Could you mention the wardrobe, too?"
"Yeah, I'll do that."
"Charlie," Bartlet called. "Hurry up, we have to find Cutter's Rock before sunset so we can follow the shadow to Suicide Tree."
Charlie looked at Josh. "Thank you so much for hiring me for this job." He trudged after the adventuring president.
"Sing the song, Charlie."
He sighed. "I'm a lumber jack and I'm okay-" They disappeared around the hallway.
Josh shook his head. "This really doesn't bode well."
Sam came around the corner. "I've been hearing this strange noise."
"Like a repetative thumping."
((Gee, do you think this is the initial sign of impending chaos?))
Josh frowned. "Where's it coming from?"
"That's what I'm trying to figure out."
"It's probably construction or something."
"I think I should go find Ainsley, just the same."
Josh rolled his eyes. "You think it's more demonic baked goods? Maybe some doughnuts are bouncing around upstairs? Maybe the Pillsbury doughboy has amassed a biscuit army? Or-"
"Mutant bunnies," CJ said from behind him.
"No, really." She dangled a piece of paper in front of his face.
He snatched it out of her hand and scanned it. "A warred of rabbits has escaped the lab they had been being experimented on for the past five years. They are incredibly smart, carnivorous and mean." He looked skyward. "You liked the Secret of Nyhm as a child, didn't you, Puck?"
((Don't make me have them eat you, boy.))
Sam had his deer in the headlights look. "I'm going to go get Ainsley."
"What makes you think the bunnies are coming to get us?"
"We just spent a quarter of a page talking about it and this is a sequel to a killer muffin fic. What are the chances they *won't* come?"
"Good point. Get the southern belle. Make sure she's really not a virgin when she dies. I'm going to wait this out in my office."
"Not all of us have delusions of knighthood," he called over his shoulder as he headed for his office.
He pushed open the door and was met with a sight that made him cry out and stumbled back. Donna came running and found him leaning on the wall outside his office, hand pressed to his chest, breathing hard. Donna reached him. "Josh, what is it?"
"Look in my office."
She frowned in confusion and looked into the office. "Oh my God."
"Very frightening, I know. It's not nice to put something like that in the office of someone who's been shot. I'm in my heart attack years."
"Josh, there's bunnies playing poker in your office."
"What should I do?"
"Take a picture?"
"It was the first thing that came to mind."
"That's not helping. There's killer mutant bunnies in my office."
"But it's not like they're attacking anyone. They're playing a card game."
"Is this the place for the poker game?" a squeaky voiced asked from the vicinity of their ankles.
They looked down to see a medium sized white and black rabbit sitting there, holding a roll of bills. Josh blinked a few times. "Uh, yeah."
"Thanks, man." He hopped past them into Josh's office. They heard a chorus of high pitched hellos and the clatter of poker chips on the table.
Josh looked at Donna. "Please, shoot me."
"Uh-uh, you're going through this with me."
"No, this is too much. I don't want to."
Sam and Ainsley came running up. "Any news?"
Josh smiled a little, seeing an upside to this. "There's some paperwork in my office, go grab it."
Sam nodded and headed in. There was a surprisingly girlie scream and he stumbled out of the room, eyes huge. "They're *rabbits* and they're *playing* _*poker*_." He screamed again and went running down the hall. Ainsley scampered after him.
Josh grinned. "That might actually make the rest of this fic worthwhile."
"Should we do something about the rabbits?"
He shrugged. "They're just playing a game of poker. I'm sure they'll leave quietly when they're done."
((Oh come on, that wouldn't make a very good story.))
He looked upward. "Uh oh."
"Cheat!" The word was screeched in a squeaky bunny voice and was followed by the sound of Josh's desk being tipped over.
He winced. "Okay, I think we should get out of here now."
"You think there'll be trouble?"
There was another crash from his office and a ball of fur the size of a small dog came tumbling out of the room. Once in a while you could catch a glimpse of bunny fists or feet striking another. Josh pulled Donna out of the way of the carnage. "Yeah, I'd say this might be trouble."
The ball rolled down the hallway a few feet to outside of CJ's office. She pulled open the door, looked down at the rabbits then, up at Josh and Donna. "I would be surprised, but this is a silly fic." She closed the door.
The rabbits broke up their fight. "Brothers," a brown and black splotched one said. "This is foolish. We should not be fighting each other."
There was some bunny grumbles. The leader called for attention again. "We should be fighting the oppressive humans."
This elicited a loud, squeaky cheer. Josh grabbed Donna's arm. "This isn't good. Come on." He gave her a tug just as the rabbits turned a spotted them. They came hopping towards them at an alarming rate and josh yanked Donna into her cubicle and onto her desk. They stood on the desk as the rabbits swarmed around it, hopping and squeaking and wriggling their noses in fury.
Donna looked down at them with a bizarre combination of fear, confusion and disbelief. "I'm never reading Watership Down again. I just won't be able to sympathize with them anymore." She paused. "Or the Runaway Bunny. Or Beatrix Potter. Or Harvey. Or-"
"Sorry. There's just a lot of stuff with rabbits in it."
"Yeah. You assume we're going to live through this for you to have a chance to shun the abovementioned rabbit tales."
"Do you think we're going to die?"
"I don't see there's a way out."
She sniffed. "Well, if we're going to die there's something I need to tell you." She took a deep breath as a musical flourish filled the room.
Josh covered her mouth with his hand. "Uh-uh. I appreciate the thought, but this is not turning into West Wing the musical."
She pouted. "Buffy did it."
"We haven't been attacked by vampires, Donna."
"Oh, Bunnicula, that's another one."
"We're about to be hopped to death and you're listing works of literature featuring rabbits?"
"When I'm scared I get distracted easily."
"You are so amazingly strange."
"If you're going to insult me you should let me sing."
"They did it on Scrubs."
She pouted at him, crossing her arms. One of the rabbits managed to hop onto the table and went for her leg. She shrieked and kicked it away. She grabbed his arm. "If I promise not to thing can I cling to you in terror."
She hung onto his arm tightly, staring at the attacking rabbits.
((On the edge of your seat, aren't you?))
Just then a loud boom filled the office and some of the rabbits flew into their air as if they'd stepped on a land mine. There were more blasts and more bunnies bit it. Josh and Donna looked up to see Ainsley and Charlie, still in his Elmer Fudd gear, carrying hunting rifles. As they watched Ainsley sighted her gun and blasted away some more vermin.
The bunnies had seemed to realize they were rapidly dropping in numbers and had started a hasty retreat. Josh heard one of them mutter: "Screw this, let's hit Canada." Charlie ran after them, pausing long enough to say the line this entire fic has been leading up to "Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbits." before continuing to chase them out of the building.
Josh hopped (ha!) down from the desk, then turned to help Donna. "You know," he said to Ainsley. "I'm completely against guns. But that was bitching."
She beamed and blew across the barrel of her rifle. Sam appeared from behind her. "I found that so sexy."
"You have permission to sweep me away now."
"Thank you." He scooped her up and carried her off, presumably to have his way with her.
Josh looked at Donna, who was picking her way around rabbit carcasses. "Wanna grab something to eat?"
She scuffed the bottom of her shoe off on some clear floor, then looked up at him. "Sure."
He offered her his arm, she took it and they went off together.
((You ever notice they never talk about clean up in these kind of stories? Why break tradition. I'm sure the White House has an excellent janitorial staff.))