Attack of the Killer Muffins

by Puck

Rating: DS for damn silly
Spoilers: Ain't nothing like this happening on the show.
Note: I swear to God I'm not on any mind altering substances. I'm just feeling wierd. This is a totally random and bizarre little fic and quite probably the first sign of my slow descent into madness. I hope you enjoy. There might be sequels. I know it isn't very smutty but I don't have anywhere else to send this and I know a lot of people on this list have the sense of humor needed for this thing.
WARNING: There is some risk of spitting your drink on your computer screen when rading this. You have been warned.

Something very strange was going on today.

Even Josh could tell and he was admittedly not the most observant guy in town. Hell it had taken him weeks to realize Mandy was gone. Though, in his defense, he'd been recovering from a gunshot wound. He hadn't entirely ruled out she'd had a hand in that.

Come to think of it he hadn't seen Danny in a while either. He had the sudden image of them running off together and shuddered.

Back to the strangeness at hand. There seemed to be a bizarre abundance of muffins today. Usually there was a few laying around on assistant's desk. By lunchtime most were gone, leaving only their limp, crumb encrusted wrappings to molder in trash bins.

((Dang, that was pretty poetic for a silly-fic.))

Today, however, muffins abounded. There was one or more on every desk he saw. Raisin bran, carrot, corn, wheat germ, pumpkin, chocolate chip and some he couldn't even recognize. And no one seemed to be eating them. He'd never seen this much food on this many assistant's desks last this long.

"Donna, have you seen my red binder?"

"Where did you leave it last?"

"If I knew that would I be asking you where it was?"

"Considering how helpless and infantile you are? Yes."

He made a face at her. "Why haven't you eaten your muffin?"

She blinked at him. "Have you been taking non sequiter lessons from the president?"

"You're snappy today. Is it due to lack of food?"

"What are you talking about? I don't have a muffin."

He pointed to the chocolate and pound swirl muffin on her desk. She looked down at it and jumped. "I didn't put that there."

"What are you talking about? It's been sitting there all morning. In fact, there one on everyone's desk. I had a poppy seed one on mine when I got here."

"Did you eat it?"

"Of course not."

She frowned suspiciously at the pastry. "And you said everyone has one?"

"Yeah, I figured you assistants had stopped at a bakery or something on the way to work. Only thing I couldn't figure was why none of you were eating them."

From the other side of the office there came an earpiercing scream. Josh and Donna looked at each other a tense moment, then ran to see what was going on.

In the communications bullpen Ginger was standing on her chair, holding one of her hands to her chest and staring in shock at something on the floor. Josh followed her gaze to see a honey oat muffin against the wall by Toby's office. As he watched it shuddered and started to creep away. His eyes popped. "Uh, Donna did you-"

She was helping Ginger down from the chair. "What happened?"

"Muffin- the muffin. . ."


"Not now, Josh. Ginger what about the muffin?"


"What?!" She whirled on him. He pointed to the creeping muffin. She followed his finger and her jaw dropped.

"You see that too, right?" She nodded. He took a breath. "Does everyone else see that?" Toby came out of his office. "What is all the noise?"

"Look out." Josh warned an instant before the honey oat monstrosity flung itself at Toby's leg.

He jumped and looked down. "What the-?" The muffin made a strange growling noise and bit into his calf. He yelled in pain and started to shake his leg to get it off, cursing in Yiddish.

Acting on instinct and unwilling to watch Toby do the demented hokey pokey a nymore, Josh grabbed a newspaper off Ginger's desk and rolled it up. He ran to Toby's side and used the rolled up paper to smack the muffin off his leg. "Bad muffin! Bad!" It growled at him and he hit it again. With a whimper it began to slink away.

Just then Sam and CJ came bursting through the glass doors.

((Dang this is exciting.))

CJ waved a piece of paper. "You won't believe what just came over the wires."

"We're being attacked by man eating muffins," Josh said.

She looked at him. "Who's press secretary here?"

"How did you know that?" Sam asked.

"I was attacked." Toby muttered.

"By a muffin?"

"No, a toy poodle. Of course a muffin! What are we talking about here?"

"You're talking awful big for a man with muffin fang wounds on his leg."

He grunted and sat to inspect his battle scar. Josh crossed his arms and leaned on the desk. "Does the wire report have any information, CJ?"

"Not really. There's been attacks across the country. So far the only fatality has been in Asbury Park, New Jersey. He bought a dozen blueberry at his local bakery. According to the report they escaped the box and attacked him in his car as he was driving home."

"You ever notice the weirdest things always happen in New Jersey?" Sam asked.

"That or California," Donna agreed.

"Sam's lived in both," Josh pointed out.

"Why are we joking when there are killer muffins on the lose?" Ginger asked hysterically.

"Excuse me, I think you've had your allotment of lines for this fic. Go look up some inane historical fact for us or something."

"Like when muffins were first invented," Sam supplied helpfully.

She humphed and went to do their bidding.

"First thing's first, where's the President?"

"Air Force One. He was in Tokyo."

"Has Japan reported any muffin incidents?"

"Not yet."

"Okay, call the plane, apprise him of the situation. It might be a good idea for him to turn around until we get this sorted out."

CJ nodded. "Got it." She grabbed Toby's arm. "Come on, Muffin Man, we'll put some Bactine on that."

"I'm never gonna live this down," he muttered, limping off with her.

Josh turned to Sam. "Okay, now all we have to do is figure out how to stop these things."

"I can see how that would be important but what could possibly beat man eating muffins?"

Josh rubbed his head. "We really didn't cover this in law school." He peered at Sam. "Did we?"

"Did you pay attention at all?"


Sam looked unconvinced. He snapped his fingers. "I got it."

"What? How to stop them?"

"Yes. We'll look in the script."

"The script?"

"Yes, the script for this episode. We're fictional, remember?"

"Yeah, but we're not supposed to *admit* it."

"I think this counts as desperate times, Josh."

He sighed. "You have a point. Okay, where is the script?"

Sam frowned. "I don't know."

"Great. Any ideas where to look for it?"

"Let's try your office."

"Why my office?"

"Because Hoffa could be hiding in there and you wouldn't know it."

Josh frowned. "Good point. Let's go."

They searched his office high and low, unearthing papers and briefs from thei r first year in office. But no script.

Josh rocked back on his heels. "This is hopeless, it's not in here. Any other ideas?" Sam was staring off into space. Josh snapped his fingers in front of his friend's eyes. "Sam?"

"Huh? Oh, I was just thinking that in most horror movies like this there's always some blonde thing who gets in trouble with the creatures and has to be saved by the dashing hero."

"Sam. . . are you hoping to take advantage of this horrific turn of events in order to get in a certain blonde, republican sex kitten's pants?"

"It had occurred to me."

"That's a little lecherous."

"You're just jealous."

"Hey, who's to say Donna's not the helpless blonde thing who needs saving?"

"Sam!" a Southern voice wailed from the bullpen.

He hopped to his feet and into his best heroic pose. "There's my damsel now. Stay put, I'll rescue you." He looked about the room for a weapon and, finding only an empty YooHoo bottle, grabbed it and ran out.

Josh sighed deeply. "This is great. I could have really gone for a nice angst piece today. Something dealing with my PTSD, maybe a flash to the future where I'm a bitter old man and Donna's in a loveless marriage. Something with a hanky warning. But noooo. I'm battling carnivorous baked goods with Sir Lanceadolt."

Sam shrieked like a girl at that moment. Josh sighed again and got to his feet. "I hope Puck remembered to put a spittake warning on this thing." He picked up the only thing left on his desk that looked like a weapon, which happened to be his favorite stapler, and headed out to battle.

Ainsley was sitting on Donna's desk, wrapped in Sam's arms. "I'm afraid, Sam," she was cooing. "I'm afraid I'm going to die. I don't want to die a virgin."

"You're a virgin?" Sam asked.

"For the sake of argument, let's say yes."

"I'd be happy to correct that-"

Josh cleared his throat. "Uh, guys?"

They both looked at him. "We're busy right now," Sam said.

"Okay, you need to start talking normally instead of like Batman. And Ainsley, no one's falling for it anymore." She pouted at him. He ignored her. "I heard Sam shriek."

"A cranberry muffin almost claimed my finger."

"I see. Where is it now?"

"It went running towards CJ's office."

Josh readied his stapler. "Come on then." He headed down the hall, Sam and Ainsley behind him, armed with a YooHoo bottle and a high heel, respectively.

They pushed the door open to find Toby and CJ making out on her desk. Josh made a disgusted noise. "People, come on, we have a national crisis here. All you guys can think about making out?"

CJ straightened her blouse. "You're just jealous."

Ainsley frowned. "Where is Donna?"

"She went through the plot hole," Sam told her.

"Plot hole?"

"Yes. She was no longer necessary for exposition or conversation so she disappeared. Don't worry, she'll return when we need her."

"I found it!" Donna called from down the hall.

Sam smiled proudly. "See?"

((That was handy. Notice I didn't say dang?))

Donna hustled down the hall, eyeing the floor for roaming snack food. She reached them and thrust a stack of papers into Josh's hands.

"What's this?"

"The script."

"How did you know we were looking for it."

"I didn't. I found it in your files and saw the part where you and Sam were trying to find it and came to bring it to you."

"It was in my files?"

"Yes, under L."


"For lunacy, I would imagine," Toby muttered.

"Funny." Josh started flipping through the script. "Killer muffins, Ainsley's a virgin, CJ and Toby making out. Sam and Ainsley have sex in the bathroom-" They hustled off, giggling. Josh rolled his eyes. "Okay, here it is. Pink Squirrels."

"Pink Squirrels."


"We defeat the killer muffins with Pink Squirrels."

"That's what it says."

"That's ridiculous," Toby protested.

"You'd prefer nuclear weapons or an incredibly powerful computer virus that can be held on an everyday Apple laptop."

"Okay, it's not *that* ridiculous."

"Well, we'd better get Ainsley before too much clothing is removed." They moved as a group down the hall towards the closet. They were halfway there when they heard Ainsley scream.

They broke into a run and pulled the door of the closet open. Sam was frantically trying to pull cinnamon muffins off of Ainsley. Josh jumped into the fray with his stapler and they were able to fend off the critters. Sam pulled Ainsley out of the closet and they regrouped in CJ's office.

Donna shook her head as she dabbed Bactine on Ainsley's wounds. "I don't believe you two forgot the cardinal rule of horror movies. The people who have sex always get it."

"I tried to warn you," Josh said.

"Ainsley how do you make a Pink Squirrel?" CJ asked.

She blinked. "I'm a little shaken up but I don't think-"

"They're the only way to kill the muffins."

"Oh. I have the ingredients in my office."

There was a pause. "You have alcohol in your office?" Sam asked.

"We in the council's office like to party."

"I see. Well. . . to Ainsley's office, then." They gathered up their weapons and headed downstairs.

In her office they pulled out all her ingridents and began whipping up pitchers of the opaque pink drink. When they were out of creme de noiaux they took their pitchers and went muffin hunting.

A heard of the demonic things had trapped Ed, Larry and Celia the temp in the mess. As they watched some of the muffins lurched forward and attacked Celia. The temp went down screaming. Spurred into action Sam tossed some of his pitcher onto the malevolent food. They made little shrieking noises and writhed in agony before shriveling up.

The group of humans cheered at the death of their tormentors. After supplying Ed and Larry with Pink Squirrels they split into pairs to rid the rest of the West Wing of the deadly muffins.

They met up again at the press room where CJ announced the recipe for Pink Squirrels and urged citizens to fight back against the bakery items.

When it was all over and Bartlet was heading back to his war torn country the six of them gathered in the communication's bullpen. "Thank God that's over," Donna said.

"Don't say that," Sam protested.

"Why not?"

"Because that's always what they say at the end of the movie just before the creature reappears."

Josh pointed at him. "You've seen Scream *way* too many times."

"I know it's cliched but so was this entire fiasco."

"You have a point. Okay, no one say anything else about how calm and safe it feels. I don't want any sequels."

"But you might get some in one of them."

"And get killed? No thank you."

They sat in silence a few minutes, contemplating the past few hours. Margaret came in, carrying a box. "Hey, does anyone want one of these? I'm stuffed." She opened the box to reveal half a dozen pecan muffins.

Everyone screamed.

The End

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