by havocthecat
Copyright 1998

Definitely a short piece. I was just gonna keep it at this, but then Dianne suggested I do a chaos version of "Anne" (the episode), so I *might*, but I'm not sure. I thought I'd burned out for a while on Buffy fic 'til this jumped into my head.

Commentary definitely appreciated.

"she was a january girl
she never let on how insane it was
in that tiny kinda scary house
by the woods"

Black-Dove (January) - Tori Amos


June 17, 1998

My name is Anne.

I don't want to be Buffy. Buffy killed her boyfriend; stole his soul and then sent him flying into Hell without a second thought. Buffy lives in Sunnydale with her friends.

Buffy is happy, or she was, at least. Buffy had friends.

Anne doesn't. Anne works quietly--alone--at a restaurant. She doesn't say anything when the truckers grab at her with their sweaty hands and leer at her in the diner. Anne's a normal, ordinary girl who's seen too much.

Anne lives in the low-rent district of L.A. with the other teenage burnouts--the ones who leave home because Daddy can't leave them alone at night, or because of the drugs. Anne wears a waitress' uniform all day so she doesn't have to dress like Buffy.

Anne's a teenage burnout too, but Anne will live longer than Buffy.


July 25, 1998

McDonald's for dinner again. I never thought I'd be tired of fast food. It was always a treat when Mom took me to McDonald's when I was a kid. God, if I eat one more greasy fry I'm gonna barf.

It's easy to live. I don't have to do anything. I work, and then I go out and wander the streets until I'm too tired to think, and then I fall into bed and pray I don't dream about him.

I like being Anne. It's simple. I don't have to worry about anyone getting kidnapped or killed or tortured. Vampires don't come around here. Too many drugs in the blood of all the hookers and the homeless kids.

I like knowing I'll get to have a life.


August 3, 1998

Someone mugged me tonight. He came up behind me and pointed a gun at me and took my purse and I let him.

I let him.

Why did I let him? I could have stopped him.

I'm the Slayer--except I don't want to be the Slayer, not ever again. Being the Slayer hurts too much. If that means I have to let him take my purse so I'm not the Slayer, well, then I guess I have to say goodbye to my purse.


August 10, 1998

It's so quiet around here. No one ever makes any noise, so I don't hear anything until the police sirens come screaming through. I got a raise at the diner. I'm making six bucks an hour now, and working overtime. I come home so tired I barely have enough energy to change before I fall asleep.


August 16th, 1998

I dreamed about him again. Buffy's boyfriend. Not Anne's. Anne doesn't fall in love. Anne can't.

I was walking up the steps to my apartment, and he was there. "They miss you," he said. "I miss you." He looked like any other guy, except his eyes were so sad. Willow was standing behind me. "Why did you leave?" She was crying. "You were my best friend and now you're gone." Then I turned back to him and he was holding Ms. Calendar's body in his arms. "She's dead," he told me. "I killed her, and then you killed me. It was only fair, wasn't it?" I turned and pushed past Willow and started running, but I'd pushed too hard and she hit her head against the wall. When I stopped I saw blood streaming past me.

I woke up crying.

I worked a double shift today. We were busy. I didn't have time to eat much, just a handful of crackers and half a glass of Coke that I snagged in the five minutes I had between customers. Maybe I won't dream tonight.


September 1, 1998

Mom and I always went shopping for school clothes today. It was one of those kind of things that I always complained about but really loved. Even when I got kicked out--the first time--and we were getting ready to move, we still went shopping.

I went shopping by myself today. I took the bus to the mall that Mom and I went to before I found out about the whole Slayer deal and looked around in all the windows. No one remembered me, and I'd been going there every year since I was in first grade. All they saw was a girl with dirty hair and a worn waitress' uniform. That's all I was. I wasn't happy about next year's fashion. I didn't want anything to make me look any different from anyone else.

I saw Dad, but he didn't see me. I took off--didn't stop running until I got to the bus stop.


September 15, 1998

I wonder how Willow is. I wonder who the new computer science teacher is. I wonder what Giles is doing. I wonder if Xander is still fighting with Cordelia. I wonder how Oz is dealing with turning furry three times a month. I wonder if Cordelia's managed to grow up yet. I wonder if Snyder's dead yet.

I wonder where Angel is.

I wonder if Mom even misses me, or if it's easier for her without a daughter.


September 29, 1998

What's-her-face was in the diner the other day. That stupid girl who thought vampires were gods. I think she recognized me.

Then she found me on the street.

Then her boyfriend came up missing.

God, I can't do this. I can't be the Slayer again.

What am I gonna do?


"they don't know you've already lived
on the other side of the galaxy
she had a january world
so many storms not right somehow
how a lion becomes a mouse
by the woods"

Black-Dove (January) - Tori Amos

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