One Night on #GASP

by havocthecat, Elaine McMillian and Meercat
Copyright 1998

This was, apparently, the conversation on irc that was the, ah, well, inspiration (and I use that word only because nothing more depraved can be found without me digging up my thesaurus) for this piece of insanity. I want it on record that I did *not* start this. Of course, I did help perpetuate it, so what does that say about me? Never mind. Stop laughing! --Tina

[ElaineMc] Yikes. Ethan, dabbling in lycanthropy. Okay, that might be funny....
[meerkat] no, Ethan coming up face to face with a lot of fur and teeth.
[ElaineMc] Well, that'd be funny, too.
[ElaineMc] ETHAN: Arf!
[meerkat] That will teach him to try and break into Rupert's new place...not checking to see what Ripper has chained in the basement...


GILES: My god.

BUFFY: What?

GILES: He's changed himself into a schnauzer.

BUFFY: Aren't there neutering laws in this town?

ETHAN: Yipe!

[RUPERT, XANDER, and ANGEL all flinch.]

WILLOW: well, we could just try a collar and leash first...

XANDER: I'll get a newspaper!

CORDELIA: But first, a bath and trim. He's disgusting, all smelly. What did he roll in, anyway?

CORDELIA: Ewww. He isn't housebroken?

OZ: I don't think my collar would fit him...

WILLOW: No, he doesn't deserve your collar.

WILLOW blushes. I mean...


GILES: We heard you the first time.

GILES: . . . .

JENNY: Wow. That's not something you see very often.

GILES: Not on that carpet, damnit!


GILES: *Get off my leg!!*

XANDER: From the way he talked, I would have thought it would be bigger...

JENNY: Xander...

BUFFY: Maybe we can get his toenails painted.

CORDY: Ooh, and a little ribbon.

WILLOW: Can we put a bow in his hair?

[ETHAN is snarling. GILES is beginning to smile.]

GILES [looking pained] Girls, he =was= once a friend of mine....

BUFFY: Then I'll get the razor and you can go first, Giles.

JENNY: I think a bow would look cute.

XANDER: It's Evil Women time, G-man. I think we should leave the room.

[ETHAN is looking as pained as a schnauzer can look.]

OZ: Maybe even the state.

ANGEL: I know a nice place in Amsterdam....

GILES: Yes. I think, perhaps, for once, you are correct, Xander.

XANDER: I was right about Marcy's invisible thing.

[WILLOW is rubbing ETHAN's tummy. His leg is thumping.]

WILLOW: That it would be useful for you right now?

XANDER: Riiiiiiight.

BUFFY: Willow, stop that. He's the enemy. You know, the bad guy. Er, dog.

WILLOW: But he's so *cute* this way.

GILES: He was responsible for you becoming a ghost, Willow.

WILLOW: Oh. Yeah. Bad dog!

WILLOW: [reproachfully] Giles, look at those eyes....

GILES: Just because he's cute doesn't mean he's not a psychopath, Willow.

[WILLOW has ETHAN in her lap, scratching his ears.]

WILLOW: [soothingly] Don't be sad, Ethan. It's okay. Mama loves you.

OZ: Okay, now we're in a weird place.

BUFFY: Will, you know that probably isn't a good idea. He's way too happy.

[ETHAN is gazing at WILLOW adoringly.]

JENNY: And I'm betting he's got a few complexes about his mom in the first place.

ETHAN: *sssiiiggghhh*

OZ: Hey, I get furry, too, you know. You know? Will?

XANDER: Whoa, Oz, man. Dumped for a wussy dog. Bad break.

WILLOW: Yeah, but you get homicidal when you get furry, Oz.

[CORDELIA hits XANDER on the arm.]

JENNY: [to GILES] Bet I can make your leg thump.

GILES: Ahem.

GILES: Later, Jenny. First we have to figure out what to do about... [gestures to ETHAN] ...him.

BUFFY: I dunno. He looks pretty happy to me.

[ETHAN does. WILLOW is scratching the base of his tail.]

JENNY: Yeah, but what do we do if he stays like this? Take him to the pound?

XANDER: Will certainly can't adopt him.

OZ: Hey, Willow. Will? Hello?

WILLOW: I always wanted a puppy.

[ETHAN's tail wags furiously.]

GILES: Ethan in love. How... deranged.

OZ: Hey! [XANDER looks over, startled that he and OZ actually agree on something.]

BUFFY: They do make a cute couple. A girl and her dog. Hey, maybe you can call up Lassie, Oz. The four of you can double date. [JENNY stifles a laugh.]

WILLOW: [to ETHAN] You can sleep on my bed--

OZ: Like hell!

WILLOW: And I'll give you baths--

OZ: Oh, no way, man.

WILLOW: And you can have doggie treats every night....

[ETHAN's eyes are closed in doggie bliss.]

BUFFY: "Mom, a warlock followed me home. Can I keep him?"

JENNY: Willow, do we need to have a talk about evil warlocks that call up demons and how they relate to your life?

WILLOW: Oz, come on-- just pat him a little. His hair's so soft....

[OZ backs up at the speed of light. XANDER sticks his hands in his pockets.]

GILES: This is not turning out as one would expect.

WILLOW: [practical] Well, it isn't like he can do it *now*. He hasn't got lips, remember? how's he gonna cast a spell? He doesn't have opposable thumbs. How can he read a book?

BUFFY: The Junior Watcher does have a point, guys.

CORDY: [to OZ] I thought her going out with *you* was weird. She's just raised the bar.

XANDER: That's my Will. Over-achiever girl.

[JENNY can't hold it in any longer and starts laughing.]

GILES: You're not seriously proposing we let her-- let her *adopt* Ethan??

JENNY [through laughter]: I'm not. But I think Willow's pretty determined, Rupert.

WILLOW: Him was such a good boy, yes, him was....

[There is a blast of light and heat. When the aether clears, ETHAN is still on WILLOW's lap. As a human. Naked.]

[XANDER jumps back quickly, surprised.]

WILLOW: Oh, *no*! Who made him do that thing where he's a guy?? [glares at GILES, suspicious]

JENNY: Oh my.

[ETHAN is still gazing at WILLOW, adoringly.]

OZ: Okay, old British guy, fun's over. Get away from her!

ETHAN: [to WILLOW] I suppose this means no baths?

WILLOW: And you're *definitely* not sleeping on the end of my bed.

GILES: Oh dear. Ethan, do be a good boy and heel.

ETHAN: [hopefully] I could curl up.

BUFFY: [eyes shut] I am *not* seeing this.

OZ: Someone give this guy a blanket. Or a muzzle.

ETHAN: [to OZ, without looking away from WILLOW] Lend me yours?

CORDELIA: Or handcuffs. [everyone stares at her] To arrest him with!

[Minor chaos. XANDER grabs OZ. GILES grabs his coat from his office and tosses it to ETHAN.]


ETHAN: [putting on the coat] Could someone give me a lift home?

[WILLOW notices that Ethan is still on her lap and pushes him away.]

[ETHAN sprawls on the floor. The coat falls open.]

[WILLOW blushes.]

ETHAN: Ahem. [closes the coat again]

BUFFY: This is when you leave, Ethan.

OZ: What she said. Faster.

XANDER: ThisiswhenyouleaveEthan.

[CORDELIA smacks him again.]

GILES: Ethan, you really should go. Soon.

ETHAN: [sighing dramatically] Very well.

ETHAN: Good-bye, Willow. Thanks for the tummy rub.

ETHAN: I imagine I'll see you again, soon, though. A girl's best friend *is* her dog, you know.

[ETHAN sprints out of the library.]

BUFFY: Damn. He left before I could hit him.

OZ: I'll second the damn.

[WILLOW is quiet.]

JENNY: Even for us, this has been one of those days.

BUFFY: [putting her arm around WILLOW] C'mon, Will. We'll get you a parakeet or something.

WILLOW: You can't cuddle a bird....

XANDER: The weird-o-meter went off the scale on this one...

OZ: Hey, a bird! This is a good idea!

OZ: You can cuddle *me*...

WILLOW: [brightening] Can I rub your tummy?

[EVERYONE looks uncomfortable.]

[DRUSILLA wanders in, holding an empty birdcage. She looks at Giles]

DRUSILLA: My birdie is dead. Will you be my birdie?

[WILLOW perks up further.]

WILLOW: I think Giles would make a *good* bird.


GILES: Ahem. Er...

XANDER: Will, you've been playing with those arcane tomes of knowledge a little *too* long.

JENNY [to Willow]: Down, girl. He's mine.

WILLOW: [blushing] Ooops. Sorry.

DRUSILLA: But I need a birdie, and you'd make such a *lovely* birdie.

BUFFY: I hate to interrupt this Geraldo moment, but you've clearly *really* lost your mind.

DRUSILLA: I haven't lost my mind. It just spins and spins inside my head.

XANDER: What happens when it hits rinse?

CORDY: Ewww. [smacks him]

WILLOW: I miss Ethan.

BUFFY: I know I should really find a stake, but this is too funny.

OZ: Is anyone else getting nauseous?

GILES: No, simply nervous.

JENNY: Listen, this particular Englishman is already taken. But there's another one wandering around out there, Dru. He'd just *love* to be your pet.

BUFFY: Oh, yeah. He's easy to spot. He's only wearing a trenchcoat.

DRUSILLA: But Spike is my little goldfish.

BUFFY: But you can have birdie, too, can't you?

XANDER: Spike would *love* Ethan.

WILLOW: Hey! Ethan's *my* Englishman!

OZ: I don't believe this. First she dumps me for a dog, now a bird.

JENNY: As long as no one gets their hands on my Englishman but me.

XANDER: He isn't a bird yet. And if Dru gets him, he'll be a dead bird.

OZ: . . . . Hey, Dru, let's go find Ethan for you.

DRUSILLA: If I give him a seed, will he sing for me?

WILLOW: If she lays one nasty-black-fingernailed-finger on *my* Ethan...!

GILES: [starts to say something, then hastily decides against it]

BUFFY: Then it'll be a catfight, and we'll have *another* species around in this weird thing that our lives have become.

CORDELIA: I was a cat for Halloween. Does that count?


WILLOW: But he's *mine*. I made his leg thump. I got to rub his tummy. That makes him *mine*.

JENNY: He's not yours unless he's a dog. [thinks] So I guess we'll have to make sure he's a dog for you.

DRU: But what about my bird....

WILLOW: Really? really? I can have Ethan??

JENNY: We'll find you a bird, dear.

[OZ rolls his eyes. He moves to the table, picks up a sheet of paper, and folds it several times. When he's done, it's a kind of lopsided-looking origami-style bird. He hands it to DRU.]

OZ: There you go.

DRU: [untypeable squeal of joy]

BUFFY: I guess Magick Girl and Technopagan Woman get to pull out all the stops. [looks at GILES, who is being very, very quiet] With Watcher Guy's help, of course.

XANDER: It's the Justice League. Only no spandex.

CORDELIA: Hey! [hits XANDER again] I wear spandex! Or haven't you noticed?

OZ: [agitated] Am I the only one here who thinks this is a problem. He's gonna sleep on her *bed*.

JENNY: Well, it's not like he'll be able to hurt anybody that way...

OZ: *Ethan*. Is going to *sleep*. On her *bed*. She's gonna give him *baths*.

GILES: I seem to be outvoted here.

XANDER [rubbing his arm]: And I seem to be in pain here, so I'm not saying anything. I'm just thinking. A lot. And loudly.

WILLOW: I really, really want a puppy, Oz. We can take him for walks together....

OZ: Oh, yeah?

WILLOW: It'll be fun. We can go get ice cream....

OZ: ...and leave him tied to a bench...

WILLOW: We can go to the park...

OZ: ...find him a nice pit bull girlfriend...

WILLOW: Can I have him, Oz? Please? *Please*?

OZ: Oh, man.

XANDER: It's better than having him walking around a guy, Oz. Think about it.

JENNY [paging through an old, musty book]: Aha! Here we go. Transformations. I like this.

GILES: As much as I like the idea of Ethan being rendered harmless, I'm not really sure I approve of this in a moral sense.

BUFFY: Moral disapproval noted. Now hop to it, Giles.

JENNY: It's painful, Rupert.

GILES: Right. [leans over the book, close to JENNY]


[Arcanine spell is recited. Sage is burnt. We cut back to the library, where everyone is once again assembled. GILES is bent over a book, as usual.]

[WILLOW is sitting in front of her computer. ETHAN is curled up in her lap, gazing at her adoringly.]

[OZ is sulking slightly.]


OZ: She brushes his hair. She never brushes my hair.

XANDER: You're scaring me, man.

[DRUSILLA plays happily with her origami bird, trying to give it a seed. A goldfish swims angrily in a nearby bowl.]

BUFFY: All's well that ends weird.

JENNY: And now that it's done... Oh, Rupert?

GILES: [abstracted] Mm-hmm?

JENNY: Come here.

GILES: [abstracted, without looking up] Yes, of course.

JENNY [dangerously]: Rupert....

GILES: [abstracted] Yes, Jenny, of course.

BUFFY: This is gonna be good.

JENNY: Okay, Rupert, I'm gonna make you squirm, and it won't be pretty.

GILES: [looks up with a start] Squirm? What?

XANDER: I'm outta here.

CORDY: Uh-huh.

BUFFY: I'm with you. Will?

JENNY [innocently]: Oh, nothing, dear.

[WILLOW, cuddling ETHAN in her arms, stands, too. OZ is sulking.]

GILES: [gazing adoringly at JENNY, in much the same manner that ETHAN gazes at WILLOW] Leaving so soon, what a shame, bye, now.

JENNY: Didn't you want to show me the stacks, Rupert?

XANDER: [looking from GILES and JENNY to WILLOW and ETHAN and OZ] I gotta go boil my brain.

GILES: Oh, yes. Of course. Right away.


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