The Hellmouth's Greatest Threat II: Mary Sue Strikes Back

by havocthecat
Copyright 1998

"There we go," said Eleanora Catarina Johann, wiping her flawless hands with a towel. "There's no way you're getting out of those." She smiled sweetly, her emerald eyes sparkling.


Eleanora hummed lightly to herself as she put on her make-up--not that her clear, flawless complexion and rosy lips needed any enhancement. Her clear, bell-like tones filled the room as she selected a long, flowing dress to complement her fiery auburn hair.

Finally, all her preparations were made, and Mary Sue slipped out of her apartment. "Now, be a good girl and leave Rupert Giles all to me--I'm the only one who can make him truly happy, you know."

Jenny Calendar glared daggers at the closing door and pondered Gypsy curses. Stereotyping or no stereotyping, she was damned if that...that...Mary Sue was going to take *her* Watcher.

"Excuse me?" Mary Sue popped back in the door. "I heard that thought. Now be a nice little technopagan and maybe I'll tell Rupert where you are. After the wedding."



Nice little technopagan?

Jenny Calendar was none of those things. Well, except a technopagan, but those other two adjectives totally nullified any validity that statement had.

And how dare that woman call Rupert "Rupert?" *She* was the only woman allowed to do that.

She'd get her revenge. If only she weren't stuck in a cryogenic storage chamber.


"Hello?" Eleanora wasn't about to go directly to the library. That was where her predecessor had made a mistake. Never go for the cute man in the main set. There was always going to be something there--a supporting character, generally. They...interfered. In fact, it was best to find him off the beaten path. Where the camera didn't follow. In a place like...the grocery store. "I'm sorry, sir," she said, her Eastern European accent standing out amidst the usual run of American voices. "Do you have the time?"

"Hm?" Rupert Giles turned around, and Eleanora was once more struck by his beauty. Handsomeness. His *glasses.*

Eleanora batted her eyes. "The time?" She laughed delicately--as if anything she ever did was indelicate? "I'm so sorry, it's just that I have to be at my rehearsal at four o'clock, and since I have to walk, I need to know what time it is so I know when I have to leave."

"Ah, yes, the time," said Rupert--*her* Rupert, not that horrid Gypsy's--distractedly. She leaned forward slightly to give him a better view of her perfect cleavage. "It's, er, four o'clock." He tried not to look at her lovely bosom, but Eleanora didn't miss his eyes widening. "I suppose you'd best hurry."

"Yes, thank you," she said, turning to leave. Swaying gracefully, she waited for her opportunity--the one she'd created when she'd paid the stockboy--and tripped over a can of peas.

"Oh dear," said her Rupert, thankfully reaching her before the acne-faced janitor that she certainly *never* dreamed about did. "Are you all right?"

"Oh..." Eleanora leaned--heavily and closely--against Rupert, and tried to stand. "Ow," she said, crumpling against his strong, manly, tweed-covered--Eleanora simply adored the smell of tweed--chest. "I've sprained my ankle. I'm never going to make it to my rehearsal in time!"

"Oh, please," said Cordelia scornfully, coming around the corner. "You don't have a rehearsal. Unless you want to call a four-poster bed and a pair of handcuffs a rehearsal."

"What?" Eleanora's eyelashes fluttered in puzzlement. "Whatever do you mean by that, child?"

"Child?" Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Look, babe, I don't know where you're coming from, but I saw through you the minute I walked in the store."

Eleanora frowned. Could she never separate Rupert from all his damned Slayerettes? "I don't understand what you mean." She placed her perfectly-manicured hand against Rupert's chest. "Please, take me to my rehearsal. I don't want to be late."

"Giles, are you totally stupid?" Cordelia was pulling no punches. As usual. "I mean, come *on*," she said. "Ms. Calendar's totally not around, and you're at the grocery story, and some strange woman with weird eyes pops up, states she's got walk to where she's going to sing, and promptly sprains her ankle. What do you think is happening?"

"I'm not really sure," said Giles. "I was simply trying to help."

"And a damn good job you were doing of it," said Cordelia. "Helping yourself right into bed with her."

"Her?" Rupert was looking slightly befuddled. She had to make him certain. Certain that he wanted her.

"Cordelia," said Eleanora. "Cordelia, you could be so much more than this. I could teach you so much."

"Oh, gag me," said Cordelia. "What, how to get leading men in three acts of duplicity or less?"

"No, you've got that one down already, Cordy," said Xander, strolling up the aisle. What was her curse? She was Eleanora Catarina Johann, and yet these...these....teenagers seemed to be defeating her.

"Shut up, lame-brain. Don't you recognize her." Cordelia rolled her eyes.

Wait...there were two men here. Mayhap she could yet extricate herself from this situation and retain her beloved Rupert.

"Xander," she said, leaning over to give him a glimpse of her low-cut gown. He'd been proven to be susceptible to beautiful women before. "Do me a favor, Xander-poo and take Miss Cordy away for me, would you?"

"Ahumanagyeeesh," babbled Xander. He nodded incoherently and reached for Cordelia, who stepped away from him.

"Don't even try it," said Cordelia. "I've got backup." She whistled, Willo stepped out from behind the produce aisle, stake in hand. "Willow?"

"Something wrong, Cordelia?" Willow glared at Xander.

"You know how he's been an insensitive doofus?"

Willow nodded, a grim smile on her lips.

"Here's your chance to get your revenge."

Cordelia walked up to Xander and pushed him back towards Willow, who clonked him over the head. "It's for his own good," she said to Buffy.

"Quickly, Rupert," said Eleanora, while the women were occupied with Xander. "Take me away from here! Take me to my rehearsal!"

"Rupert?" He looked puzzled. "How did you know my name?"

Oops. "One of the children said it, sir, but please," She sighted dramatically--and causing her chest to be put at an extremely pleasing angle. "Please take me to my rehearsal." She started crying, letting crystal tears gleam in her emerald eyes. "I beg you."

"That is enough of that," said Cordelia, grabbing a stake from her purse and shoving it into Mary Sue's heart. She exploded in a shower of sparkles, and Cordelia coughed. Ugh.

"Thank you," said Giles. "I think." He paused. "That was another of those Mary Sues, wasn't it?"

"Yep," said Cordelia.

Willow nodded.

Xander just shrugged. "I can't tell, man."

"I just have one question," said Giles. "Where's Jenny?"


To be continued...yes...Gods help us THGT3: The Return of the Technopagan

Anyone sensing a theme here?

Back to SunS Fanfic.