by Heather Melville
Copyright 2001

I feel weird. I was upset the other night, but I can't remember what for.

At first, I didn't remember being upset. Now I can remember being upset, but I can't remember why. When I try, my head feels all funny­like I'm sleeping. The memory goes away. I can almost reach it, and then it slides off. It's like trying to hold a wet bar of soap. All slippy. When I think about it, I smell flowers, but the scent doesn't trigger any memories.

This doesn't make sense. I don't get upset for no reason. I mean, yeah, I get upset, but it's not like this formless anxiety. Or it hasn't been.

Is there something wrong with me? Something left over from Glory, some shred of her psyche jammed back in with mine? I remember those days. Everything random, and too fast, with nobody speaking the same language even to each other. Fragmented and painful and inexplicable. Out of control. I was so afraid. And then Willow was there, all the way there, not just a shadow, and she brought the world back into focus. The sounds and everything made sense again.

But what if the world making sense is temporary? Or what if there are still holes in me, and Glory took the missing pieces with her when she died, and no one can ever get them back? What if this time I don't have any way home?

For that matter, what if going crazy and coming back hurt something in my brain? Once you have a psychotic episode, you're likely to have another. Does it count if it's mystically induced? Willow...Willow would say it doesn't. She'd say I worry too much, and she knew what she was doing, she saw it work. She'd say she would always take care of me anyhow.

Maybe she couldn't, though. My own family couldn't stand me, and they were supposed to be there no matter what. Maybe Willow would change her mind, too. I can see it sometimes, when I disagree with her and she doesn't want to hear. She seems a little like my dad when she does that.

As for Willow knowing what she's doing, I don't know if I believe that all the time. She charges right in, and she doesn't stop to think first. It's like nothing exists but her goal. She's so powerful, and she uses the magic so much.

Why does that click with my being upset? Maybe something happened. But I don't remember. I don't remember her using magic at all these past few days. Which is good. I should be happy. But it creeps me out more.

I could ask her about it.

I'm scared to.

This doesn't make any sense. I love Willow. Why should I be afraid of her? I'm being stupid. I should go talk to her. But I can't.

I keep smelling flowers.

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