S: I thought you had it to the brim with customer disservice?
B: One-time deal to help out. And I mean straight time -- no loop-the-loop, mummy-hand, repeat-o-vision.
S: Feel like a bit of the rough and tumble?
S: Me, you... patrolling? Hello!
S: It's not like I don't already have plans. "Great Pumpkin's" on in 20.
B: So much easier to talk to when he wanted to kill me.
B: What happened to Xander?
G: He kept poking me with his hook. I sent him over to charmed objects. With any luck, he'll poke the wrong one and end up in an alternative dimension inhabited by a 50-foot Giles that squishes annoying, teeny pirates.
B: Yeah, what about costumes that take over you personality, or wee, little Irish fear-demony thingies?
G: Yes, well, if anything calamitous should happen, history suggests it will happen to one of us.
X: Store go boom. Arrr.
A: That was the most incredible thing I've ever experienced. [off Xander's look] Except for that.
A: Post-holiday clearance. The cornerstone of retail.
G: Brooms all around then.
W: Or I could whip up a jaunty self-cleaning incantation. It'll be like "Fantasia".
G: And we all know how splendidly that turned out for Mickey.
W: I think I'm a little more adept than a cartoon mouse.
T: And you have more fingers, which is good 'cause then there's no need to wear those big white gloves to over-compensate.
B: You know, if you had a real peg-leg, you wouldn't just have a lame costume, you'd actually be lame. Which is completely different than--
D: You do this every night?
A: Every time I close out the cash register. The dance of capitalist superiority.
X: I'm gonna marry that girl.
B: What? She's 15 and my sister, so don't even-- oh.
B: Did you know about this?
G: No. Unless I blocked it from my memory, much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue.
B: Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you don't have to see what we're doing?
G: Tell no one.
D: Can I try it on?
A: Oh, absolutely not.
B: Sorry we couldn't do the big fancy. Kind of caught us with our party down.
A: Oh, that's okay. This is just the first premarital celebration. There'll be lots more. With gifts.
B: Seems like only yesterday you had to pay a girl to date you.
X: Like I'd ever pay... define "date".
B: How many other things have changed since I've been gone?
D: I got a tattoo.
W: Which is why we told her "no."
D: Just a little one?
B: Over my dead body. The kind that doesn't come back.
Z: To infinity and-- ow!
Z: Hey baby, what took you so long?
Ja: I had to stop for crimes and misdemeanors.
D: He's okay.
Ja: "Ho hum" okay, or like, "Oh my god, I think I'm gonna pee my pants!" okay?
G: Anya's a wonderful former vengeance demon. I'm sure you'll spend many years of non-hell dimensional bliss.
Old Man Kaltenbach: Shouldn't ought to mess with those. Sometimes they bite.
Z: Don't make me go kung-fu on you, man.
Ja: Okay, I say we get the funk out of here before Satan Claus tries to stuff us up the chimney.
Z: That'd break the old guy's widdle heart -- assuming it's still beating.
J: Dude, that guy was rank.
Z: Bet a spritz of Dawn will wash that right out. So what do you think -- lunchables?
A: So, I was thinking maybe a June wedding, but then I remembered that they always had the highest percentage of calls for vengeance. So now I'm leaning towards as soon and damn possible. I mean, mortal life being so short, we gotta cram in as much marital bliss as we can before we wither and die.
X: You got to know what to call 'em before they hit college.
G: Rupert is an exceptionally strong name.
A: [laughing] Yeah, if we want our progeny to eat paste and have their lunch money stolen.
B: All that matters is that they're happy. Everything else is thick-gravy goodness.
A: I'm the luckiest ex-demon in the world.
X: Air. Sweet mother oxygen.
X: Deep pools of ooey delight. I'm wallowing, not drowning.
J: And so begins her life of crime.
D: You're a little late. I steal all the time.
D: Totally. I haven't paid for lipstick since... forever.
J: Oh, be still my heart. Cute *and* bad.
Z: I love it when they run.
D: Shiver me timbers!
D: I've been kissed before. I kiss all the time. Not that I'm a kiss slut. Just, you know, with the lips and the pressing together and stuff. Hey, expert here! Okay, okay, it was my first kiss! I know, I know, I suck. My lips are dry and my tongue's all horrible and sticky and I'm pretty sure I drooled on you.
W: [re: Luke and Leia at the Bronze] Do they know they're brother and sister?!
W: Hard to believe such a hot mama-yama came from humble, geek-infested roots.
T: Infested roots. Trying to turn me on?
W: I have to try now?
G: Mist. Cemetery. Halloween. Should end well.
Z: What do you know about it, Grandpa?
G: Quite a bit, actually.
Z: Dude, that sucks.
J: It'll only hurt for a second.
G: I bet you say that to all the girls.
G: Now, you have a choice, son. We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard--
J: What were my choices again?
B: Were you parking? With a vamp?
D: I didn't know he was dead.
J: Living dead.
D: Shut up!
B: How could you not know?
D: I just met him.
B: Oh, so you went parking in the woods with a boy you just met.
D: Oh, like you've never fallen for a vampire?
B: That was different.
Vamp: Uh, excuse me. Can we fight now?
B: Hey, didn't anyone come here to just make out?
[couple raises their hands]
B: Aw, that's sweet. You run. [to vamp] You scream.
Vamp: Die, Slayer.
Vamp: What is your malfunction, man?
S: It's Halloween, you nit. We take the night off. Those are the rules.
Vamp: Me and mine don't follow no stinkin' rules. We're rebels.
S: No, I'm a rebel. You're an idiot. Give the lot of us a bad name.
B: Sorry about the party.
A: It gave me more time to plan the bridal shower. Where do we order obscenely muscular male strippers?
A: Well, I'm kidding. Jeez.
B: How's your face?
G: Oh, still ruggedly handsome. Grandpa, indeed. Ow.
G: Something needs to be done before it spins out of control.
B: You're right. I'm glad you're here to take care of it. Don't be too hard on her, okay?
D: This the part where you tell me you're not angry, just disappointed?
G: Pretty much, except for the bit about not being angry.
Back to Quotes | Back to SunS