X-So, what do you think?
B: It's nice.
X: But do you think Cordelia will like it?
B: I don't know. Does she know what one of these is?
X: Okay, big yuks. When are you guys going to stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia?
B: I'm sorry. But never. I just think you could find somebody more... better.
X: In a parallel universe, maybe. Here the only other person I'm interested in is, um, unavailable. Besides, Cordy and I are really getting along. We're not fighting as much, and yesterday we just sat together, not even speaking. You know, just, um, enjoying comfortable silence. Man, that was dull.
B: I'm glad you guys are getting along. Almost really. And don't stress over the gift
X: Well, this is new territory for me. My valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders.
X: I wish dating was like slaying: You know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss.
B: Sorry to say, Xand, but slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
X: Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.
C: Excuse me, where's the fire sale?
C: Xander? What does he have to do with this?
H: Well, a girl wants to look good for her geek.
C: Xander's just...
Girl: When are you two gonna start wearing cute little matching outfits?
H: 'Cause I'm planning to vomit.
X: This time I'm ready for you. No "F" for Xander today. No. This baby's my ticket to a sweet D-minus.
Amy: You guys going to the Valentine's Day Dance at the Bronze? I think it's going to be a lot of fun.
B: Go ahead, you know you want to say it.
W: My boyfriend's in the band!
B: I think you've now told everybody.
W: Only on this hemisphere.
B: Oh, Valentine's Day is just a cheap gimmick to sell cards and chocolate.
A: Bad break-up, huh?
B: Believe me when I say "uh-huh."
B: Mom and I are going to have a pig-out and vid fest. It's a time-honored tradition among the loveless.
W: You know her mom was a witch.
B: And amateur psycho.
G: Might I have a word?
B: Have a sentence, even.
G: Around Valentine's Day, he's rather prone to, uh, brutal displays of... He would think of it as affection, I suppose.
G: Better safe than sorry.
B: It's a little late for both.
D: Oh, Angel, it's still warm.
As: I knew you'd like it. I found it in a quaint little shopgirl.
As: I know Dru gives you pity access, but you have to admit it's so much easier when I do things for her.
As: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
S: Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression.
As: Lacks... poetry.
S: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs...?
W: Oz has his cool hair today. I think I'm a groupie!
C: Your clothes... you look so good.
X: I let Buffy dress me. Well, not physically.
C: Perfect. You had to make this harder, didn't you?
X: Okay, clearly the fact that I please you visually has got us off on the wrong foot here.
X: Once, twice, a kissy here, and kissy there. And you can chalk it all up to hormones. And maybe that's all we have here -- tawdry teen lust.
C: Thank you, it's beautiful. I want to break up.
X: Okay, not quite the reaction I was looking for.
X: Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?
Girl: Gee, Xander, maybe you should learn a second language so that even more girls can reject you.
X: Blackmail is such an ugly word.
A: I didn't say blackmail.
X: Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up.
X: What do I want? I want some respect around here. I want, for once, to come out ahead. I want the Hellmouth to be working for me.
Amy: A love spell?
X: Yeah. You know, just the basic can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe anything but little old moi.
Amy: But that kind of thing is the hardest. I mean, to make someone love you for all eternity?
X: Whoa, whoa, back up. Who said anything about eternity? A man can only talk self-tanning lotion for so long before his head explodes.
Amy: Intent has to be pure with love spells.
X: Right, I intend revenge. Pure as the driven snow.
B: "Soon" what, Giles? You never held out on me until the big, bad thing in the dark became my ex-honey.
G: Where did this come from?
B: He said it with flowers.
X: Oh, come on, don't flatter yourself. I'm not going to make a big scene. I just want the necklace back.
C: What? I thought it was a gift.
X: No, last night it was a gift. Today it's scrap metal. Figure I can melt it down, sell it for fillings or something.
X: Is this love? 'Cause maybe on you it doesn't look that different.
C: Are you going, like, stalker-boy on me now?
G: Look, here's another, here. Um, "Valentine's Day," yes, um, "Angel nails a puppy to the..."
B: Skip it.
B: I don't want to know. I don't have a puppy, skip it.
G: Right you are, I'll get another batch.
X: I have a plan. We'll use me as bait.
B: You mean, make Angel come after you?
X: No, I mean chop me into little pieces and stick me on hooks for fish to nibble at, 'cause it would be more fun than my life.
B: Yeah, I heard about you and Cordy. That's her loss.
X: Not really the popular theory.
B: Why don't you and I do something together tonight? Just the two of us.
B: Yeah. We can comfort each other.
X: Would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause I find that very comforting.
B: Play your cards right...
X: Okay, uh, you do know that I'm Xander, right?
X: You know what? It was wrong to meddle with the forces of darkness. I see that now. I think we've all grown. I gotta go.
W: Sorry. I wanted to surprise you.
X: Good job. High marks.
W: Don't be so jumpy. I've been in your bed before.
X: Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.
W: People grow apart. They grow closer.
X: This is good. How close we are now. I feel very comfortable with this amount of closeness. In fact, I could even back up a few paces and still be happy. See?
W: I want you, Xander... to be my first.
X: Baseman! Please tell me we're talking baseball.
X: I don't want to use force.
W: Force is okay.
X: It's time for me to act like a man. And hide.
G: What is it?
X: It's me... throwing myself at your mercy.
G: What? Why?
X: I made a mess, Giles. See, I found out that Amy's into witchcraft, and I was hurt, I guess, so I made her put the love whammy on Cordy, but it backfired. And now every woman in Sunnydale wants to make me her cuddle monkey. Which may sound swell on paper, but...
G: I cannot believe that you were fool enough to do something like this.
X: Oh no, I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this.
X: Buff, give me a heart attack.
B: Oh, I'm going to give you more than that.
X: Buff... for the love of god, don't open that raincoat.
B: Come on, it's a party. Aren't you gonna open your present?
Amy: Who made you Queen of the world? Well, you're old enough to be.
JC: What can I say? I guess Xander's just too much man for the pimple squad.
X: Would you quit with the Hecate?
C: Okay, what now, you don't like my locker combination?
G: We have to catch the Buffy-rat.
O: < punch > That kinda hurt.
X: Kinda?! What was that for?
O: I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about you. Now, I don't know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very strong urge to hit you.
Amy: Why did you send Xander away? He needs me.
JC: That's a laugh.
Amy: He loves me. We look into each other's souls.
JC: No one can love two people at once. What we have is real.
G: Instead of making me ill, why doesn't one of you try to help me?
C: Damn it, Xander, what's going on? Who died and made you Elvis?
C: What are you doing? Make me yak!
C: And keep your mom-aged mitts off my boyfriend. Former!
C: Why has everyone gone insane?
X: Insane? Is it so impossible for you to believe that other women find me attractive?
C: The only way you could get girls to want you would be witchcraft.
X: That is such a... Well, yeah, okay, good point.
X: Good. The mob still hasn't found us. We should be safer up here.
As: Works in theory.
D: Don't fret, kitten, Mummy's here.
D: Your face is a poem. Oh, I can read it.
X: Really? It doesn't say, "spare me" by any chance?
D: How do you feel about eternal life?
X: We couldn't just start with a coffee? A movie, maybe?
O: Here, Buffy.
C: If we die in here, I'm gonna kick your ass, I mean it.
B: Hi, Oz.
B: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.
O: But you're not a rat... so call it an upside.
B: You think maybe you could get me some clothing?
O: Yes, I can. Just, uh, don't go anywhere.
B: Really not an issue.
B: Scavenger hunt.
X: Your mom seemed to buy it.
B: So she says. I think she's just so wigged at hitting on one of my friends that she's repressing. She's getting pretty good at that. I should probably start worrying.
X: Well, I'm back to being incredibly unpopular.
B: It's better than everyone trying to ax-murder you, right?
X: Mostly, but, uh, Willow won't even talk to me.
B: Any particular reason she should?
X: How much groveling are we talking here?
B: Oh, a month at least.
B: I remember coming on to you, I remember begging you to undress me... and then a sudden need for cheese. I also remember that you didn't.
X: Need cheese?
X: I couldn't take advantage of you like that -- okay, for a minute it was touch-and-go there.
C: Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep.
H: I'm not a sheep.
C: You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does, just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are, 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I want to do, and I wear what I want to wear, and you know what? I date whoever the hell I want to date. No matter how lame he is.
C: Oh, god, what have I done? They're never going to speak to me again.
X: Oh, sure they are. If it helps, whenever we're around them, you and I can fight a lot.
C: You promise?
X: You can pretty much count on it.
Back to Quotes | Back to SunS