Doppleganger
B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, C=Cordelia, O=Oz, A=AngelJ=Joyce, PS=Principal Snyder, WP=Wesley, F=Faith, M=Mayor Wilkins
An=Anya, AW=Alternative Willow, PW=Percy West, Al=Alphonse the vamp
An: For a thousand years I wielded the powers of the Wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe. And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. Mortal. Child. And I'm flunking Math.
An: Do you have any idea how boring 12th graders are?
B: He even has that test to see if you're crazy that asks if you ever hear voices or if you ever wanted to be a florist.
W: Ooh, I used to want... Wait, florist means crazy, right? I never wanted to do that.
W: It's all about emotional control. Plus, obviously, magic.
W: Hey, you want to go to the Espresso Pump and get sugared up on mochas?
W: How come the sudden calisthenics? Aren't you sort of naturally buff, Buff? Ha. Buff Buff!
B: I just - well, I want to do...
W: Better than Faith?
B: So very shallow.
W: Competition is natural and healthy. Plus, you'll definitely ace her on the psych tests. Just don't mark the box that says, "I sometimes like to kill people."
B: I know Faith's not going to be on the cover of "Sanity Fair", but... she had it rough.
B: I know how you hate talking about Faith.
PS: As far as I'm concerned this is a marriage made in heaven. Willow Rosenberg, despite her unsavory associations, represents the pinnacle of academic achievement at Sunnydale High. Percy West represents a devastating fast break, and 50% from behind the 3-point line.
PS: I know you want to help your school out here. Ask me how I know.
B: So he threatened you? With what?
G: How did it go?
F: Are you serious about this place?
M: Oh, hey, hey, hey, shoes, shoes!
O: There's something about you that's causing me to hug you. It's like I have no will of my own.
W: Maybe I would have liked to go.
W: I'm eating this now. It's not lunch time, I don't even care.
W: Old reliable? Yeah, great. There's a sexy nickname
W: Maybe I'm not just some doormat person. Homework gal.
An: Anya. I'm sort of new here. I know Cordelia?
W: Okay, that's a little blacker than I like my arts.
An: I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.
PW: Hey. Rosenberg? What are you doing, trick-or-treating? You're supposed to be at home doing my history report. I flunk that class, you're in big trouble with Snyder. Till we graduate, I own your ass.
AW: Xander...
B: There you are.
B: Will, I'm sorry about today. You know how my foot likes to live in my mouth.
AW: You made me cranky.
X: This isn't real.
W: What's going on? Geeze, who died? Oh, god, who died?
B: Willow, you're alive.
W: I love you guys, too. Okay, oxygen becoming an issue.
W: It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did you?
X: Will, we saw you at the Bronze. A vampire.
An: What a day. Give me a beer.
Devon: Man, we need a roadie. Other bands have roadies.
Al: Nobody cause any trouble, or try to leave.. and nobody gets hurt.
O: I think we need backup.
AW: Look, everyone's all afraid. It's just like old times.
AW: You don't have to be afraid... just to please me. If you're all good boys and girls, we'll make you young and strong forever and ever. We'll have fun. If you're not... //chomp// Questions? Comments?
O: You don't want to do this.
AW: This is a dumb world. In my world there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies.
B: It was exactly you, Will. Every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.
A: Buffy, I... something's happened that... Willow's dead. Hey, Willow...Wait a second.
B: Should we call Faith?
AW: Well, look at me, I'm all fuzzy.
AW: We could be quite a team, if you came around to my way of thinking.
AW: You don't want to play, guess I can't force you. Oh, wait, I can.
G: It's extraordinary.
A: Well, even if they're supposed to wait for her, they may start feeding. Vampires are not notoriously reliable.
A: They're still in a holding pattern. That's good. It means they must really be afraid of you.
X: What is the signal?
B: Now, you're sure you're up to this?
An: How could you kill her? She was our best shot at getting your world back.
AW: Oh, this is like a nightmare.
C: Wait. It occurs to me that we've never really had the opportunity to talk. You know, woman to woman. With you locked up.
W: It would be like shooting fish in a barrel. Where's the fun?
W: Okay, let's get to the killing. Why don't we start with her?
C: What? Do I have something on my neck?
C: I didn't mean all that stuff I said before. I want you to have Xander. My blessings on you both.
WP: Back, creature of the night! Leave this place!
An: I'm just so tired of being around human beings and all their baggage. I don't care if I ever get my powers back. I think he should eat you.
W: A human? Oh, yeah? Could a human do this? Aaaaaahhhhh!
W: Ow, ow, ow! Happy, but ow.
W: No more snuggles?
W: Nice reflexes.
AW: This world's no fun.
X: So, um, in your reality, I'm like this bad-ass vampire, huh? People afraid of me? Oh, yeah. I'm bad.
W: Good luck. Try not to kill people. //hugs// Hands! Hands!
AW: Oh, fu--
B: You wanna go out tonight?
PW: Okay, so I did the outline for the paper of Roosevelt. It turns out there were two President Roosevelt's, so I didn't know exactly which one to do, so I did both. I know they're kind of short, but I can flesh them out. Oh, and here's the bibliography. Um, and I can retype that if you want. You just let me know what I did wrong, and I'll get on it.
W: No, it's okay.
B: No, really, we should just...
W: No, it doesn't bother me. I mean it.
B: Uh, Will?
W: Oh. //thwung!//
B: Emotional control?
W: I'm working on it.
W: I'm not sure I understand the marriage part.
PS: You've got the brains, he's got the fast break. It's a perfect match.
W: Match? You want us to breed?
PS: I want you to tutor him.
W: How do you...?
PS: I just know.
W: Well, it wasn't exactly anything he said. It was all in his eyes. I mean, there was some nostril work as well, but mostly eyes.
F: Princess Margaret here had a little trouble keeping up.
G: How did it go?
WP: Faith, uh, did quite well on the obstacle field. Still a little sloppy, though.
G: Do you feel up to taking Buffy out, or shall I?
WP: Oh, no, no, no, I'll be fine. Just give me a minute. And some defibrillators, if it's not too much trouble.
F: You're gonna love it, B. It's just like fun, only boring.
M: Of course I am. No Slayer of mine is gonna live in a fleabag hotel. That place has a very unsavory reputation. There are immoral liaisons going on there.
F: Yeah, plus all the screwing.
F: Thanks, sugar-daddy!
M: Now, Faith, I don't find that sort of thing amusing. I'm a family man. Now, let's kill your little friend. Don't worry, I wouldn't ask you to do it. Not this early in the relationship. Besides, I think a vampire attack would look less suspicious, anyway. In the meantime, let's look at the rest of the apartment, huh? If I'm not mistaken, some lucky girl has herself a PlayStation.
F: No way.
M: Yes way!
W: Where were you yesterday?
O: We got back late, sort of very.
W: We? Who? Where?
O: Didn't figure you for missing school.
W: You think I'm boring.
O: I'd call that a radical interpretation of the text.
B: Well, I didn't mean it as...
W: No, it's fine, I'm Old Reliable.
X: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
W: That's Old Faithful.
X: Isn't that the dog that the guy had to shoot...?
W: That's Old Yeller.
B: Xander, I beg you not to help me.
X: I'm thinking nerve strike.
W: Maybe I'll change my look. Or cut class. You don't know. And I'm eating this banana. Lunchtime be damned.
B: Will, wait. I'm really sorry.
W: Buff, I'm storming off. It doesn't really work if you come with me.
W: Oh, fun.
An: Yeah, listen. I have this little project I'm working on and I heard you were the person to ask.
W: Yeah, that's me. Reliable dog geyser person. What do you need?
An: Oh, it's nothing big. Just a little spell I'm working on.
W: A spell? Oh, I like the black arts.
An: I just need a secondary to create a temporal fold. I heard you were a pretty powerful Wicca, so...
W: You heard right, mister! I'm always ready to work some dark mojo. So, tell me, is it dangerous?
An: Oh, no.
W: Well, could we pretend it is?
W: Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in hell?
An: Look, we'll just try it again, and...
W: No. I think emphatically not.
AW: Bored now. //whap// //thud// I'm having a terrible night. Want to make it better?
X: What's going on? Is there a funny thing?
X: Will. Changing the look. Not an idle threat with you.
AW: You're alive.
X: Will, this is verging on naughty touching, here. Don't want to fall back on bad habits. Hands! Hands in new places.
AW: You're alive.
X: You mentioned that... before.
X: Hey, Buff.
B: Aren't you going to introduce me to your... Holy God, you're Willow.
AW: You.
B: You know what? I like the look. It's um, it's extreme, but it looks good, you know, it's a leather thing. And, uh, I said extreme already, didn't I?
Al: I'm not telling you a thing.
AW: //breaks finger/ Who do you work for?
Al: Wilkins. The Mayor.
AW: //breaks another finger// Who do you work for?
Al: You.
B: I can't feel anything. Arms, legs, anything.
G: She was truly the finest of all of us.
X: Way better than me.
B: Much. much better.
W: Aren't I usually?
W: I'm not a vampire!
B: You are. I mean, you were. Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon?
G: Well, uh, something... something very strange is happening.
X: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?
Bartender: I.D.
An: //glares//
Bartender: I.D.
An: I'm 1120 years old, just give me a frigging beer!
Bartender: I.D.
An: //sighs// Give me a Coke.
O: Well, other bands know more than three chords. Your professional bands can play up to six, sometimes seven completely different chords.
Devon: That's just, like, fruity jazz bands.
A: Why don't I believe him?
O: Well, he lacks credibility.
A: I think I'm needed here.
O: Ten to one. Could get pointless.
AW: I don't? But I'm so good at it.
W: Oh, right, me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night.
X: ...Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
B: Oh, yeah.
G: //raises glasses//
X: We're right there with you, buddy.
G: No, I don't want her in combat yet, not around civilians.
X: Hear, hear.
W: What do I want with you? Uhh...
AW: Your little school friend Anya said that you're the one that brought me here. She said that you could get me back to my world.
W: Oh. Ooh. Oops!
W: Would that mean we have to snuggle?
AW: What do you say? Want to be bad?
W: This just can't get more disturbing.
AW: //growls//
W: Ack! No more! You're really starting to freak me out.
W: //shoots tranquilizer dart//
AW: Bitch!
W: It's horrible. That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky. And I think I'm kind of gay.
B: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing
to do with the person it was.
A: Well, actually... That's a good point.
X: So we charge in, much in the style of John Wayne?
G: High casualty risk.
W: Who wouldn't be?
B: Are you okay in that?
W: It's a little binding. I guess vampires really don't have to breathe. Gosh, look at those.
W: Me screaming.
W: Don't worry. I won't do anything that could be interpreted as brave.
W: I don't like that you dare question me. Maybe I'll have my minions take you out back and kill you horribly.
An: Vampires. Always thinking with your teeth.
AW: Don't want to talk. Hungry.
C: What could we talk about? Oh, hey! How about the ethics of boyfriend stealing?
Al: With all due respect, Boss, the fun would be the eating.
An: Why don't we start with you? If she's a vampire, them I'm the Creature From the Black Lagoon.
AW: Not yet.
AW: I'm so over him.
AW: Don't wanna.
WP: //threatens with holy water//
AW: //sighs// Whatever.
W: This girl has a history of mental problems dating back to early childhood. I'm a blood-sucking fiend. Look at my outfit!
An: Sure, yeah. Humans do that.
Al: Yeah, I think, yeah.
B: Well, I work out.
W: You noticed that, too?
W: Strangely, I feel like staying at home... and doing my homework... and flossing... and dying a virgin.
B: You know, you can O.D. on virtue.
W: Between me and my evil self, I've double guilt coupons.
B: //pause// You wanna go out tonight?
W: Nine sound good?