Buffy vs. Dracula
B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, R=Riley, S=Spike, A=AnyaT=Tara, J=Joyce
D=Dracula
B: Go, Team Me!
R: Anyone ever told Team You the quarterback throws like a girl?
B: I do?
X: I'm exhausted just looking at those two. All this splashing and jumping and running... shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion?
A: Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness
T: Which can cause the pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put.
W: I think we've just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks.
W: Game over?
R: Buffy slayed the football.
X: The fire's not cooperating. It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of the caveman.
W: Ignis incende.
B: Willow, check you out. Witch-fu.
W: It's no big. You just have to balance the elements, so when you affect one, you don't wind up causing... (rain starts) I didn't do it, I didn't do it!
W: There you go. All set.
G: Thank you, Willow. Obstinate bloody machine simply refused to work for me.
W: Just call me the computer whisperer.
G: Start with those.
W: Start? Where is finish?
W: Doesn't winter seem more like archiving season?
W: It's just, you've been Mr. Project all summer. Labeling the amulets and indexing your diaries. I draw the line at making giant rubber-band balls. That's when you'll just have to get a life.
G: That's what I'm trying to do, actually, is get a life.
W: It might go better if you left the house.
W: Now that I know there's something to know, I can't not know, just because I'm afraid somebody will know I know. You know?
G: Did that mean yes?
W: You're Buffy's Watcher. I mean, in a fired way...
W: But what about the rest of us? We still need to be watched. Personally, I can't get through a day without a little hairy eyeball.
J: Now? It's 8:30.
B: Well, vamps don't really care what time it is. You know, dark equals dinner bell.
B: Who are you?
D: I apologize, I assumed you knew. I'm Dracula.
B: Get out!
W: Xand, what if somebody has a secret, and that somebody promised somebody else that they wouldn't tell anyone...?
X: News flash, Will, everybody knows.
W: No, this isn't about me and Tara.
X: Oh, well. Not that I wouldn't be all ears if you wanted to tell me a secret about you two. Even if it was very, very naughty.
W: Sorry, this is the non-naughty variety.
B: So let me get this straight. You're... Dracula, the guy, the Count?
D: I am.
B: And you're sure this isn't just some fanboy thing? 'Cause I've fought more than a couple pimply, overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.
D: You're known throughout the world.
B: Nah. Really?
D: Why else would I come here -- for the sun?
D: I came to meet the renowned killer.
B: Yeah, I prefer the term Slayer. You know, killer just sounds so...
D: Naked?
B: Like I paint clowns or something.
B: Okay, that's cheating.
X: Nice! Look who's got a bad case of Dark Prince envy.
D: I have no interest in you. Leave us.
X: No, we're not going to leave you. And where'd you get that accent, Sesame Street? Von, two, three... three victims. Mwah, hahahhaha!
X: And then Buffy's all "Look out!" And then friggin' Dracula's standing right behind us.
W: And then he lunges at us, like *whoosh*!
X: He totally looked shorter in person.
B: I told you he'd heard of me, right? I mean, can you believe that? Count Famous heard of me.
R: I couldn't believe it the first 20 times you told us, but it's starting to sink in now.
B: I'm sorry. Am I repeat-o girl?
B: He of the dark, penetrating eyes and lilty accent.
X: I wonder if he knows Frankenstein?
T: You thought Dracula was sexy?
W: Oh, no. He, he was... yuch.
A: Right, except for the whole tall, dark, and handsome thing... yucko.
X: How would you know?
A: Oh, we hung out a few times. Back in my demon days. You know, once or twice. He's pretty cool. You know, from a whole evil-thing perspective.
X: Please. He was no big whoop.
B: No killing until we know exactly what we're dealing with.
R: You're not just saying that because of those dark, penetrating eyes of his, are you?
B: No! His eyes were... they were... there was no penetration. Cross my heart.
B: Maybe if you just lie down with me...
R: Nothing you're about to say will lead to rest.
B: See? A little sugar and I'm all yours. Dracula, shmacula.
A: I doubt he'd remember me. I was just a silly young thing. I mean, like 700 or so. But he did say that this guy I cursed was doomed forever, which was really sweet, don't you think?
X: Adorable.
X: You don't want to come back to my place?
A: It's whites day, remember? The bleach smell makes me nauseous.
X: Fine. I suppose Dracula doesn't use bleach, huh? He's a darks-only man.
X: Come on, puffy shirt. Pucker on up, 'cause you can kiss your pale ass good--
D: Silence.
X: Yes, Master.
X: I will serve you, your excellent spookiness. Or Master, I'll just stick with Master.
D: You are strange and off-putting. Go now.
R: What can you tell me about Dracula?
S: Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me 11 pounds, for one thing.
R: You know him?
S: Know him? We're old rivals. But then he got famous, forgot all about his foes.
D: You are magnificent.
B: I bet you say that before you bite all the girls.
B: You think you can just waft in with your music-video wind, and your hypno-eyes...
D: You have been tasted.
B: He was--
D: Unworthy.
W: Well, I think we have Dracula factoids.
X: Like any of that's enough to fight the Dark Master.
< everyone looks at him >
X: --bator.
W: A lot of it we already knew. Turn-offs: wood, fire, crosses, garlic. Turn-ons: nice duds, minions, long slow bites that last for days.
X: I think you're drawing a lot of crazy conclusions about the Unholy Prince.
< everyone looks at him again >
X: --bator.
X: It's nothing. Just a scratch.
W: Two deep, puncture-y scratches.
B: There was just this voice, and it was telling me to cover it.
R: And what'd I tell you? That's thrall.
R: I shouldn't take this personally. I mean, what with Angel, I mean, it's understandable that there would be transference. I mean, they're both broody immortals.
B: I am not transfer-y.
J: He seemed so nice and normal. A little pale...
W: A good Sunnydale rule-of-thumb? Avoid white-skinned men in capes.
A: How come I have to be here Slayer-sitting, while the other guys get to look for Dracula?
X: I'm supposed to deliver you to the Master now. There's this whole deal where I get to be immortal. You cool with that?
X: Master, I deliver the Slayer. She who you most desire. Sorry -- "whom".
D: Put the stake down.
B: Okay. Right. That... was not you. I did that. I did that because... I wanted to. Maybe I should re-think that thrall thing.
R: I've lived in Sunnydale a couple of years now. Know what I've never noticed before?
G: A castle?
R: A big, honking castle.
X: Nobody harms my Master.
R: Your Master?
X: You want him? You come through me.
< Riley punches Xander -- Xander drops >
R: Okey-dokey.
G: Oh, good show, Giles. At least you didn't get knocked out for a change.
G: That tickles. Ooh, oh, uh... oh, dear god.
B: Wow. That was gross.
D: You are resisting.
B: Looks like.
D: Come here. Come to me.
B: You know, I really think the thrall has gone out of our relationship.
G: Oh, my shoe. Silly me. I'll just pop...
R: No, no, no sir. No more chick-pit for you.
B: A guy like you should think about going electric.
B: How do you like my darkness now?
R: Are you okay?
B: Yeah. Chock-full of free will.
G: And Dracula?
B: Euro-trashed.
X: Where is he? Where's the creep that turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch?
B: He's gone.
X: Damn it! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects, and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey.
B: Check. No more butt-monkey.
R: It could have been worse. At least you weren't making time with the Dracu-babes like Giles here.
G: I was not making time, I was just about to kill those loathsome creatures when Riley interrupted me.
R: Really? You were gonna nuzzle 'em to death?
B: You think I don't watch your movies? You always come back.
< Dracula starts to re-form >
B: I'm standing right here!
< Dracula fades away >
J: Buffy, if you're going out, why don't you take your sister?
B & Dawn, in unison: Mom!