Bad Eggs

B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, A=Angel, C=Cordelia
JC=Jenny Calendar, J=Joyce, PS=Principal Snyder, S=Spike, D=Druscilla, O=Oz

L=Lyle Gorch, T=Tector Gorch, MW=Mr. Whitmore

B: But I looked good in it.
J: You looked like a streetwalker.
B: But a thin streetwalker. That's probably not going to be the winning argument, is it?
J: You're just too young to wear that.
B: Yeah, I'm gonna be too young to wear it until I'm too old to wear it.
J: That's the idea.

B: "Everyday Woman"? Why didn't you just go to Muumuu's R Us?
J: Do now. Make fun of your mother later.

L: Well, ain't you just got the prettiest little neck I ever did see?
B: Boy, you guys really never come up with any new lines, do you?
Girl: Do you mind? We were talking here.
B: But you promised you'd never cheat on me again, honey!

L: All right, sugar-lips. Giddyup.

L: This ain't over!
B: Oh, sure, they say they'll call.

B: Oh bliss, mall food.

J: Let me guess: You were distracted by a boy.
B: Technically.
J: Honestly, don't you ever think about anything besides boys and clothes?
B: Saving the world from vampires?
J: < pause > I swear, sometimes I don't know what goes on in your head.

X: You know what? This would work a lot better for me if you didn't talk.
C: Well, it'd work a lot better for me with the lights out.
X: Are you saying you can't look at me when we do... whatever it is we do?
C: It's not that I can't, it's just more... I don't want to.

X: All in all, this is not what I'd call a big self-esteem booster.
C: Tell me about it! Just look at you!

X: I don't need this.
C: Ditto! Like a hole in the head! < kissing, moans >

MW: How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings.
X: Yes!
MW: That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll.

X: You want to talk negative consequences? What about the heartbreak of halitosis? I mean, a girl may seem spiffy, but if she ignores her flossing, the bloom is definitely off the rose.
C: Like that compares to kissing a guy who thinks the hoover technique is a big turn on.
X: What about having to feign interest in her vapid little chit-chat just so you can get some touch?

W: Buffy, how come you weren't in class?
B: Vampire issues. Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?
X: I think the word you're searching for is absent.
W: Tardy people show.

B: As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.
W: No, it's your baby.
B: Okay, I get it even less.
X: Well, you know, it's the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally do not get. You got to take care of the egg. It's a baby. You got to keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
W: My egg is Jewish.
X: Then teach it that dreidel song.

B: I can't do this. I can't take care of things. I killed my gigapet. I mean, literally. I sat on it and it broke.

X: You know, the only thing that stresses me is when do we tell them they're adopted?

B: I'm a single mother?
X: No man of her own.
B: Do you know what that says about me? That I'm doomed to lead my mother's life. How deeply scary is that?

G: They made their reputation by massacring an entire Mexican village in 1886.
B: Friendly little demons.
G: That was before they became vampires.

G: The good news is that they're not amongst the great thinkers of our time.

X: 'Nuff said. I propose that Buffy slays them. All in favor?
W: Aye!

B: Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up.

B: You know, this isn't hunting in the classical sense.

T: That the Slayer?
L: Yep.
T: Ain't that Angelus with her?
L: Yep.
T: Well, how come she ain't slayin'? And how come he's about to make me blush?

B: Good night, Eggbert.

T: I'm tired of rat.

T: I just don't like it here. Ain't a decent whore in the whole city limits.

L: All right, I'm gonna beat you like a redheaded stepchild, and throw your ass out in that sunlight.

L: Yippee-ki-ay, matey!

J: Are you sure your egg is secure in that?
B: Did I ask for back-seat mommying?

B: I didn't sleep well.
J: What's the matter, your egg keep you up all night?
B: You're killing me. Parenting's a pain.
J: Wait 'til it starts dating.

X: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You. Angel. Big. Smoochies?
B: Shut. Up.

X: You can't stress over every little thing. A child picks up on that. Which is a one-way ticket to neurotic city.

X: Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. A pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.
W: You boiled your egg?
X: Yeah, I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.

G: I suppose there is a kind of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
X: I resent that! Or possibly thank you.

W: Are they getting weirder? Have you noticed the weirdness of them?
B: They're weird.

W: Angel's helping you, right?
B: He does what he can.

B: As much as I hate to say this, we should really go kill bad guys.

A: I'll hunt.
B: Really? You'd do that?
A: Not like I have an early day tomorrow.

B: I figured there were all sorts of things vampires can't do. Like work for the telephone company, or volunteer for the Red Cross, or... have little vampires.

B: I had a bad dream?
J: Oh, no, you're about to have a bad dream. A dream that you are grounded for the rest of your natural life.

B: Okay, soliloquy girl, I just wanted to ask about your egg.

B: So your egg isn't acting odd or anything?
C: It isn't acting anything. It's an egg, Buffy. It doesn't emote.

X: Mmmm, cardboard-y. Sorry, junior, but a man's gotta eat.

B: You know, I always say that a day without an autopsy is like a day without sunshine.

X: Can I just say... ghuuuh!

B: I'll see your ghuuuh! and raise you a nuuuhh!

B: Me? Why do I have to dissect it?
X: Because you're the Slayer.
B: And I slayed. My work here is done!
X: Oh no, I almost ate one of these things. I think I've fulfilled my gross-out quota for the decade.

J: She never means to, but somehow, she always manages to anyway!

J: Bristow's Demon Index? Hell's Offspring?
G: A hobby of mine, uh, but, uh, having nothing to do with Buffy in any way.

X: Last time Cordy dragged me in here, it was a lot nicer.
B: What?
X: Nothing. Uh, crazy talk, head trauma.
B: Tell me about it. I'm gonna have a big bump.
X: I'm gonna have a peninsula!

X: Oh. Bad now. < smash! > Thank you.

X: He must be out somewhere.
B: Well, he picked a hell of a time to get a life.

X: Willow said something, a name... What was it?
B: A bozo! Not a bozo.
X: A bezoar.
B: That's it. Okay, so now.. we look it up?
X: In what?
B: A book?

B: I'd say he found something.
X: I'd say something found him.

X: Neural clamping. That sounds skippable.

X: Do we really want to go in there?
B: We really don't.

B: I'm gonna need a weapon. I'm gonna need a _big_ weapon.

L: I told you this weren't over.
T: She's so cute. And little. You think we can keep her?

X: Cordelia! I don't want to hurt you. Some of the time. < punch > I'll kill you! That's my _bump_.

L: This is all your fault.
B: How??

L: All right. It's over.

G: These gas things will happen. What was it, really?
X: Stick with the gas thing, I'll fill you in tomorrow.
G: Right.

W: Did I really hit you?
X: You knocked me out.
C: Did I hit you?
X: Yes, everyone hit me!
C: Good. Well, I don't mean good because I hit you, but I didn't want to be left out.

B: How is she?
X: She's a bit confused, but it's going around.

B: I'm grounded?
J: You're already grounded.
B: Oh, yeah.

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