Inca Mummy Girl

B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, A=Angel, C=Cordelia
JC=Jenny Calendar, J=Joyce, PS=Principal Snyder, S=Spike, D=Druscilla


B: It's the uber-suck.

X: It's part of this whole cultural exchange megilla.

B: A complete stranger, in my house for two weeks. I'm gonna be insane. A danger to myself and others within three days, I swear.

B: Have you ever done an exchange program?
X: My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?

C: Whoo! There's mine. Sven - isn't he lunchable?

C: 100% Swedish, 100% gorgeous, 100% staying at my house!

X: By guy-like, we are talking big, beefy, guy-like girl, right?
B: I was just told "guy."
C: You didn't look at him first? He could be dogly. You live on the edge.

X: Hold on a sec. So this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man, with man parts? This is a terrible idea.
W: What about the beautiful melding of two cultures?
X: There's no melding, okay? He better keep his parts to himself.

X: Oh, that's Rodney Munson. He's god's gift to the bell curve.
RM: *grrr!*
X: What he lacks in smarts, he makes up in lack of smarts.
W: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.
X: Yeah, I'm irrational that way.

B: I better stop him before he gets in trouble.
W: I got it. The non-violent approach is probably better here.
B: I wasn't going to use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?
X: The important thing is, _you_ believe that.

W: Are we still on for our chem tutorial tomorrow?
RM: Yeah, I think I've almost got all 14 natural elements memorized.
W: There are 103.

X: Typical museum trick: Promise human sacrifice, deliver old pots and pans.

Narr: Five hundred years ago, the Incan people chose a beautiful teenage girl to become their princess.
W: I hope this story ends with, "And she lived happily ever after."
X: No, I think it ends with, "And she became a scary, discolored, shriveled mummy."

X: So, Buffy, when's Exchange-O Boy making his appearance?
B: His name's Ampata. I'm meeting him at the bus station tomorrow night.
X: Ooh, Sunnydale Bus Depot. Classy. What a better way to introduce someone to our country than with the stench of urine.

B: So can I go?
G: I think not.
B: //thud, whap, thud, thud// How come?
G: Because you are the chosen one.
B: Just this once, I'd like to be the overlooked one.

B: Oh! I know this one: "Slaying entails certain sacrifices... blah blah bity blah. I'm so stuffy, give me a scone."
G: It's as if you know me.

G: Your secret identity is going to be difficult enough to maintain while this exchange student is living with you...
X: NOT - with her. In the same house as her. Am I the only one who's objective enough to make that distinction?

B: Giles, come on, budge. No one likes a non-budger.
G: Fine. Go.
B: Yay, I win!
G: I'll just go and introduce my shoulder to an icepack.

B: I thought you were taking Willow.
X: Well, yeah, I'm gonna take Willow, but I'm not gonna _take_ Willow, in the sense of "take me." See, with you, we're three, and everybody's safe. Without you, we're two.
B: Ah, and we enter dateville - romance, flowers.
X: Lips.
B: Oh, come on. In all the years you've known Willow, you've never thought about her lips?
X: Buffy, I love Willow, and she's my best friend, which makes her not the kind of girl who I think about her lips that much. She's the kind of girl that I'm best friends with.

X: Hey, maybe he awakened the mummy.
W: Right, and it rose from its tomb.
B: And attacked him.
//all laugh// //pause//
W: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke?
X: For 21 hours?
W: It's addictive, you know.
G: We'll deal with that when we've ruled out evil curses.
B: One day I'm going to live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out, without even saying.

X: Okay, I just saved us, right?
B: Well, something did.

W: Giles? Were the Incas very advanced?
G: Yes, yes, very.
W: Did they have orthodontists?

W: Rodney looked like he had been dead for 500 years. How could that be?
X: Maybe we should ask that crazy man with the big old knife.
B: I don't think he seemed overly chatty.

X: Buffy, where are your priorities? Tracking down a mummifying killer or making time for some Latin lover whose stock in trade is the breakage of hearts?

X: Oh, yeah. Fall for the old let-me-translate-that-ancient-seal-for-you come on. Do you know how many times I've used that?

X: So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him? 'Cause I don't know anything much besides doritos and chihuahua.

X: Ay carumba! I can also say that.

B: Ahh, let's see. We've got milk...and, uh...huh...older milk. Juice?

W: So, Ampata, you're a girl.
Am: Yes, for many years now.
W: And not a boy, 'cause we thought a boy was coming, and here you are in a girl way.

Am: I listened much.
X: Well, that works out well, 'cause I talk much.

B: What's it like back home?
Am: Cramped, and very dead.
B: Well, you'll feel right at home in Sunnydale.

B: One normal life, coming up.

C: Devon, I told you I'd be at the dance tonight, but I am not one of your little groupies. I won't be all doe-eyed, looking up at you, standing at the edge of the stage.
Devon: Got it.
C: So, I'll see you afterwards?
Devon: Sure. Where do you want to meet?
C: I'll be standing at the edge of the stage.

Devon: Oz, man, what do ya think?
Oz: Of what?
Devon: Cordelia, man.
Oz: She's a Wonderland tour.

Devon: What does a girl have to do to impress you?
Oz: Well, it involves a feather boa, and the theme to "A Summer Place."

Oz: You're just impressed by any pretty girl who can walk and talk.
Devon: She doesn't have to talk.

W: Well, it's a celebration of cultures. There are lots of dress-up alternatives.
X: And a corresponding equal number of mocking alternatives, all aimed at me.

X: No shirts with ruffles, no hats with feathers, and definitely no lederhosen. They make my calves look fat.
W: Why are you suddenly so worried about looking like an idiot? That came out wrong.

G: We're trying to translate it, uh, um, as, uh, a project for our, um...
W: Our archeology club.
G: Very good.

X: And the exciting part is that they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce, so it doesn't leave you with that heavy "food" feeling in your stomach.

Am: You are strange.
X: Girls always tell me that right before they run away.
Am: I _like_ it.
X: I like you like it. Please, don't learn from my English.

B: Ha! Or... possible ha.

W: Oh, yes, I'm caring about mummies.

B: Ampata's only staying two weeks.
W: Yeah, and then Xander can find someone else who's not me to obsess about.

W: Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me. Or I can just get on with my life.
B: Good for you.
W: Well, I didn't choose yet.

B: So then we just have to stop the mummy. Which leads to the question: How do we A: find and B: stop the mummy?

X: We're in the crime club. Which is kind of like the chess club, only with crime, and no chess.

W: Is she okay?
X: Wigged. I'm trying to convince her that our lives aren't just danger and peril around here.

B: Hey, look at us, we came up with a plan. A good plan.
G: Right, we'll meet there tonight after it closes.
B: No, bad plan! I have other plans. Dance plans..... Canceled plans.

X: Okay, I have something to tell you. And it's kind of a secret and it's a little bit scary. I like you... a lot. And I want you to go with me to the dance.
Am: Why is that scary?
X: Well, because you never know if a girl's going to say yes, or if she's going to laugh in your face and pull out your still beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.
Am: Well, then, you are very courageous.

X: You're not a praying mantis, are you? Sorry... someone else.

B: And, uh, what culture are you?
X: I'm from the country of Leone. It's in Italy, pretending to be Montana. And where are you from, the country of white trash?

X: Oh, ye- I, uh...
B: I can translate American salivating boy talk. He says you're beautiful.
X: Fahsth.
B: You're welcome.

Girl: Where's Sven?
C: Oh, I keep trying to ditch him. He's like one of those dogs that you leave at the Grand Canyon on vacation - it follows you back across four states. See? My own speechless human boomerang.

G: Thank heavens you're home.
B: Yep. Not at the dance. Not with my friends. Not with a life.

B: What kind of girl travels with a mummified corpse and doesn't even pack lipstick?

B: Come on! Can't you put your foot down?
G: It is down.
B: One of these days you're gonna have to get a grown-up car.

X: Okay. At least I can rule out something I said.

G: Oh, wait.
B: ....Uh, waiting.

B: I'll still get Xander, before he gets smoochy with Mummy dearest.

X: Have you seen Ampata? What was that?
W: I shrugged.
X: Next time, you should probably say "shrug."
W: "Sigh."

Sven: I thought this exchange student thing would be a great deal. But look at what I got stuck with. "Momento." "Punchy fruity drinky." Is Cordelia even from this country?

X: Wha... you think that _you_ don't deserve _me_? Man, I love you! Are those tears of joy? Pain? Revulsion?

B: Ampata's the mummy.
W: Oh. Good. ...Xander!

X: Boy, that was some kiss!

B: I'll say one thing for you Incan mummies. You don't kiss and tell.

Am: You're not a normal girl.
B: And you are?!

X: I just - present company excluded - I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world - ever!

B: I do think she cared about you.
X: Yeah, but I think that whole sucking-the-life-out-of-people thing would have been a strain on the relationship.

B: I remember how I felt when I heard the prophecy that I was going to die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing.
X: Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life.
B: I had you to bring me back.

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