The Real Me

B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, R=Riley, S=Spike, A=Anya, D=Dawn
T=Tara, J=Joyce, H=Harmony

G: There is nothing but you. You are the center, and within you, there is the core of your being... of what you are. Find it... breathe into it. Focus inward -- let the world fall away... fall away... fall away...

D: Can we go now?

D: No one has an older sister who's a Slayer. People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks, just 'cause she can do backflips and stuff. Like that's such a crucial job skill in the real world!

D: I could so save the world if somebody handed me super-powers. But I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones. Which Buffy doesn't even.

D: Killing things with wood? Ooh, scary vampires -- they die from a splinter.

B: We're just going to the magic shop -- no school supplies there.
D: Yeah, Mom, I'm not going to Hogwarts. Hog-- Geeze, crack a book sometime.

B: Suck up.
R: What? It's a nice outfit. Besides, "I'm here to violate your firstborn" never goes over with parents. I'm not sure why.

D: They're always kissing... and groping. I bet they've had sex.

R: I thought we had plans today?
B: Plans? We planned plans?
R: Well, you said, "Come over tomorrow and we'll hang," and then I said, "Okay." Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan.

R: Oh, Slayer training?
B: Slayer shopping, actually, but equally as important.

B: Are you mad at me?
R: No, no, not at all. I'm plotting your death, but in a happy way.

R: See you, kid!
D: I'm not a kid!

D: I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think it's 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word "newfangled" one time, so he's got to be pretty far gone.

B: There's a lot of books on this list. Any of them come on tape? You know, read by George Clooney or someone cute like that?

B: You put it in neutral again, huh?
G: I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-- I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing. No, no, no, it's not working out.
B: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?
G: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty.
B: Little two-door tramp!

G: I was so at a loose end, that I found myself searching for... some way of feeling more--
B: Shallow?
G: Perhaps, as I am to act as your Watcher again, a modicum of respect might be in order.
B: Do I haveta?

D: Hey, there's Willow and Tara!
G: Ooh, they haven't seen my new car.

D: They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than Slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. And then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs.

W: Buffy, you're developing a work ethic!
B: Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that?

B: But Giles said that it just was...
W: The hell with Giles!
G: I can hear you, Willow.

B: What happened to "People gotta respect a work ethic"?
W: Other people, not me. There's a whole best-friend loophole.

G: That's odd.
B: Well, I think "odd" just got upped to "bad."

D: You're hurting me. I'm telling.

B: Look like someone's put together a new fang club.

G: I bet the death-rate keeps the rent down.

G: Which begs the question: What kind of an unholy creature fancies cheap, tasteless statuary?

H: Good job, minions!

Brad: What? I had to get her something. She sired me.
Vamp: Sire-whipped.

H: What's your question?
Cyrus: When are we gonna do it?
H: Eww! That's rude. I barely know you. And you're a minion.

J: So, not only didn't you take your sister shopping for school supplies, you brought her to a murder scene.
B: No, I didn't bring her to it, it just sort of came upon us.

D: Xander's so much cuter than anyone. And smarter, too. He totally skipped college, and got a job working construction. Which is so kind of... deep, you know? He builds things.

J: Dawn, be good.
X: We will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from some guy. I don't know his name.

R: So you want your mother to give you space to be a Slayer, and shield you from it at the same time?
B: Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.
R: I'm getting that.

R: Back to what I was saying before we were rudely attacked by nothing.

R: You have superpowers, and college, a studly, yet sensitive boyfriend.

A: Crap! Look at this-- now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage.
X: That means you're winning.
A: Really?
X: Yes, cash equals good.
A: Ooh! I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?

X: What could be funny? Just, "Look out! It's a terrifying Harmony gang! Ooh!"

D: Shut up!
X: Dawn, I'm handling this. Shut up, Harmony!

X: I'm afraid I don't feel like getting into another hair-pulling contest with you.
H: You're the hair-puller, you big girl!

X: The invitation was for one.

A: A Slayer's house should have more weapons lying around.

B: < giggling uncontrollably > Harmony has minions?
X: Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction.
B: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just... Harmony has minions!
X: And ruffles have ridges. Buffy, there's actually a more serious side to all this.
B: I sure hope so, 'cause I'm having trouble breathing.

H: What a total disaster. My first plan! I so wanted it to go well. Plus, I didn't even get to kill stupid Xander Harris! God, that was so embarrassing.

Vamp: Who are you growling at?
Cyrus: Not me, my stomach. If I don't eat somebody soon, I'll get dizzy.
Vamp: Let's go back to the lair. That census taker may not be empty yet.

S: Step on up, kiddies. Thrashings for all.

S: You look good.
H: I feel good.
S: I remember.

H: I've been doing my homework, reading books and stuff.
S: What, "Evil For Dummies"?

S: Look at you, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you're the new big bad. It's, uh... well, let's face it, it's adorable.

H: I've found the real me, and I like her.
S: Hope you'll be very happy together.

S: Best of luck. Let me know how this arch-villain thing works out for you.

B: Especially the biggie, numero one-o. "Do not invite blood-sucking dead people into our home."

B: I mean, please, I would never have Harmony over even when she was alive.

H: Once again, nice work, minionators!

H: Ah, Mort. I trust you made our guest... comfortable?
Mort: You told me to chain her to a wall.
H: Yeah, I know, I'm being, you know, sarcastic or whatever?

H: They treat me like I don't even matter. Do you have any idea what that feels like?
D: A little.

Mort: We're gonna feed on the girl, and kill you. Maybe not in that order.

D: Touch me and my sister's gonna kill you.
//vamp extends one finger and lightly touches Dawn//
//stake, pouf!//
B: Can't say she didn't warn him.

H: So, Slayer. At last we meet.
B: We've met, Harmony, you half-wit.

B: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the Homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad, you suck.

D: Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.

D: Anya's going to be okay, and Xander wasn't mad at me, so stuff mostly worked out.

B: Giles, are you sure about this?
G: Why wouldn't I be?
B: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer, have you ever run a store before?
G: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return.

B: How bored WERE you last year?
G: I watched "Passions" with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

B: (to Dawn) Don't break anything. Just don't touch anything. What you're doing right now, not moving? Good. Keep doing that.

D: She still thinks I'm little Miss Nobody. Just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise.

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