B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, R=Riley, S=Spike
A=Anya, T=Tara, J=Joyce, O=Oz, PS=Principal Snyder, H=Harmony

R: Oh, yeah. Having the inside scoop on the administration's own bay of mutated pigs is definitely an advantage.
W: It's like you're blackmailing the government. In a... patriotic way.

X: Dinner is served. And my very own recipe.
W: Ooh, you pushed the button on the microwave that says "popcorn"?
X: Actually, I pushed "defrost", but Joyce was there in the clinch.

J: Did you notice how pointedly I said "finally"?
B: No.

X: Let the vidfest begin.

J: I can't believe you're not exhausted. Have you even slept since...?
G: Still feel a bit too wired.

X: Well, we got plenty of vid. And I'm putting in a preemptive bid for "Apocalypse Now", huh?
W: Did you get anything less heart-of-darkness-y?
X: "Apocalypse Now" is a gay romp. It's the feel-good movie of whatever year it was.

X: Don't worry. I got plenty of chick-and-British-guy flicks, too.

T: I think it's strange. I mean, I think I should worry, that we haven't found her name.
W: Who, Miss Kittie?
T: You'd think she'd let us know her name by now.

T: You're not worried?
W: I never worry here. I'm safe here.
T: You don't know everything about me.
W: Have you told me your real name?
T: Oh, you know that.

T: They will find out, you know. About you.

W: It's so bright. And there's something out there.

X: So, what you been doing? Doing spells? She does spells with Tara.
O: Yeah, I heard about that.

X: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell. And then I do a spell by myself.

H: Isn't this exciting? Our first production! I can't wait till our scene! I love you! Oh! Don't step on my cues.

B: The place is packed! Everybody's here! Your whole family's in the front row, and they look really angry.
W: There's a production?
H: Oh, somebody's got stage fright.

R: Well, you showed up late, or you'd have a better part. I'm cowboy guy.

B: You're already in character! Oh, I should have done that!

R: I showed up on time, so I got to be cowboy guy.

W: This isn't "Madame Butterfly", is it? Because I have a whole problem with opera.

G: Everybody that Willow's ever met is out in that audience, including all of us. That means we have to be perfect.

G: Acting isn't about behaving, it's about hiding. The audience wants to find you, strip you naked, and eat you alive, so hide. Stop that. Now, costumes, sets... um, the things that, you know, um, you hold them, you touch them, use them, um...
H: Props?
G: No.
R: Props?
G: Yes. It's all about subterfuge. That's very annoying. Now, go out there, lie like dogs, and have a wonderful time.

Cheese guy: I've made a little space for the cheese slices.

T: Things aren't going very well.
W: No! This drama class is just... I think they're really just doing things in the proper way, and now I'm in a play, and my whole family's out there, and why is there a cowboy in "Death of A Salesman", anyway?

H: Why have you come to our lonely, small town, which has no post office and very few exports?

B: But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes. I mean you and your friends, your whole sex. Throw 'em in the sea for all I care. Throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles. Men, with your groping and spitting, all groin, no brain. Three billion of ya passing around the same worn-out urge. Men... with your sales.

W: I don't know why it's after me.
B: Well, you must have done something.
W: No, I never do anything. I'm very seldom naughty.

B: Why are you still in costume?
W: Okay, still having to explain wherein this is just my outfit.

B: Oh, for god's sake, just take it off. That's better. Much more realistic.
H: See, isn't everybody very clear on this now?
A: Oh my god, it's like a tragedy.

A: It's exactly like a Greek tragedy. There should only be Greeks.

W: This summer I read "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe."
X: Oh, who cares!

X: I'm awake. I'm good. Did I miss anything?
G: Nothing much at all, really.
B: A bunch of massacring.

G: I have to say, I really feel "Apocalypse Now" is overrated.
X: No, no... it gets better. I remember that it gets better.

B: Want some corn?
X: Butter flavor?
B: New car smell.
X: Cool.

X: What's her deal?
B: Big faker.

X: Well, thanks for making me have to pee.
B: You don't need any help with that, right?
X: I got a system.

X: You know, a man's always after...
J: Conquest?
X: I'm a conquistador.
J: Are you sure it isn't comfort?
X: I'm a comfortador also.
J: I do know the difference. I've learned about boys.
X: That's cool about you.
J: It's very late. Would you like to rest for a while?
X: Um, yeah. I'd like you.

X: Okay, I'm gonna find another bathroom.

X: I didn't order any vampires.

X: That's not the way out.

S: Giles here is gonna teach me to be a Watcher. Says I got the stuff.
G: Spike's like a son to me.

X: You gotta have something. Gotta be with moving forward.
B: Like a shark.
X: Like a shark with feet and... much less fins.
S: And on land.
G: Very good!

G: Come on, put your back into it. A Watcher scoffs at gravity.

A: I think this is going to be a very big year for vengeance.
X: But isn't vengeance kind of vengeful?
A: You don't want me to have a hobby.
X: Not a vengeance hobby, no. It's dangerous. People can't do anything they want. Society has rules and borders and an end zone.

X: Do you mind? I'm talking to my demon.

A: I'll be fine. I think I've figured out how to steer by gesturing emphatically.

G: Now listen very carefully. Your life may depend on what I'm about to tell you. You need...

PS: Where are you from, Harris?
X: Well, the basement mostly.
PS: Were you born there?
X: Possibly.

PS: I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there.. waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers. Like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch.
X: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.

PS: Are you a soldier?
X: I'm a comfortador.
PS: You're neither. You're a whipping boy, raised by mongrels, and set on a sacrificial stone.
X: I'm getting a cramp.

G: It appears she's never heard the fable about patience.
Olivia: Which one is that?
G: Well, the one with the fox and the... less-patient fox.

G: Buffy, you have a sacred birthright to protect mankind. Don't stick out your elbow.

Play vamp: I am a vampire. Ooh, you staked me.

S: I've hired myself out as an attraction.
G: Sideshow freak?
S: Well, at least it's showbiz.

S: Haven't you figured it all out yet, with your enormous squishy frontal lobes?
G: I still think Buffy should have killed you.

Cheese man: I wear the cheese. It does not wear me.
G: Honestly, you meet the most appalling sort of people.

W: Only at death's door over here. Look at Xander.
X: Got the sucking chest wound swingin'. I promised Anya I'd be here for her big night. Now I'll probably be pushing up daisies, in the sense of being in the ground underneath them and fertilizing the soil with my decomposition.

Man: You suck!
A: Quiet! You'll miss the humorous conclusion.
G: She's doing quite well.

W: It's like some primal... some animal force.
G: That used to be us.
X: Don't get linear on me now, man.

G: And try not to bleed on my couch, I just had it steam-cleaned.

G: I can defeat you with my intellect. I can cripple you with my thoughts.

B: I think I need to find the others.
T: Be back before dawn.

B: Mom?
J: Oh, hi honey.
B: Why are you living in the walls?

B: It looks dirty.
J: Well, it seems that way to you. I made some lemonade, and I'm learning how to play Mah-Jongg.

B: I think they might be in danger.
J: I'm sorry dear, a mouse is playing with my knees.

R: Hey there, Killer.

B: How did the de-briefing go?
R: I told you not to worry about that. It went great. They made me Surgeon General.

R: We're drawing up a plan for world domination. The key element? Coffeemakers that think.
B: World domination? Is that a good?
R: Buffy, we're the government. It's what we do.

R: Buffy, we've got important work here. A lot of filing, giving things names.

Loudspeaker: the demons have escaped. Please run for your lives.
Adam: This could be trouble.
R: We'd better make a fort.
A: I'll get some pillows.

B: Let her speak for herself. That's what's done in polite circles.

T: The Slayer does not walk in this world.
B: I walk, I talk, I shop, I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the flood rolls back.

B: That's it. I'm waking up.

B: Are you quite finished. It's over, okay? I'm going to ignore you, and you're going to go away. You're really going to have to get over the whole primal power thing. You're not the source of me. Also, in terms of hair care, you really want to say, what kind of impression am I making in the workplace? 'Cause...

W: The first Slayer. Wow.
X: Not big with the socialization.
W: Or the floss.

B: You know, you could have brought that up to us before we did it.
G: I did! I said there could be dire consequences.
B: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.

J: I'm guessing I missed some fun?
W: The spirit of the first Slayer tried to kill us in our dreams.
J: Oh. You want some hot chocolate?
All: Yeah!
J: Xander?
X: Yes, what, Joyce? Uh, Buffy's mom?

X: Yeah, from now on, you keep your Slayer friends out of my dreams. Is that clear?
W: She's not good for the sleepin'.

B: Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. I don't know where the hell that came from.

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