When She Was Bad
B=Buffy, G=Giles, A=Angel, X=Xander, W=Willow, C=CordeliaJC=Jenny Calendar, J=Joyce, PS=Principal Snyder
W: Use the force, Luke.
X: Do I even have to dignify that with a guess?
X: I've just gotta say that this has been the most boring summer ever.
W: Yeah, but on the plus side, no monsters or stuff.
X: Please, I'm so over her! Did she, um, mention when she might be getting back? About which I do _not_ care!
X: I'm a man, I have certain desires, certain needs.
W: Ah, I don't want to know.
X: I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy!
W: My nose is cold!
X: Let me get that for ya...
W: Xander!
X: Sorry, I can't help myself. Your nose looks so tasty.
B: Hi, guys. //thud// Miss me?
X: Man, your timing really doesn't suck!
W: I think we had the upper hand, in a subtle way.
X: Our summer was kind of yawnworthy.
W: Giles buried the bones, and we poured holy water... and we got to wear robes!
X: Very intense, you should have been.
Hank: The more time we spent together, the more I felt like she was nowhere to be seen.
J: Hence the shoes?
Hank: You know, at least when she was burning stuff down, I knew what to say.
C: I was totally beachless for a month and a half. No one suffered like I suffered.
C: Is it possible to have too much character?
PS: One day the campus is completely bare, empty. The next day, there are children everywhere... like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating, destroying everything in sight in their relentless, _pointless_ desire to exist.
G: Well, I do enjoy these pep talks. Have you ever considered, given your abhorrence of children, that school principal was not, perhaps, your true vocation?
PS: Someone has to keep an eye on them.
PS: They're just a bunch of hormonal time bombs. Every time a pretty girl walks by, every boy turns into a gibbering fool.
G: Ms. Calendar.
JC: Mr. Giles.
G: Well, I- I- I- , um... hello!
JC: They had drum rituals, mobile sculptures, raves, naked mud dances... You would have just... hated it with a fiery passion.
Giles: Uh, I--I can't imagine finding any redeeming, uh...naked?
JC: You probably spent all summer with your nose in a book.
G: Yes. I suppose you consider that frightfully dull.
JC: Depends on the book.
X: Yo, G-man, what's up?
G: Nice to see you, and don't ever call me that.
W(loudly): Buffy killed a vampire last night.
B: I think you can get a little more volume if you speak from the diaphragm.
X: Which means that we're still the undead's favorite party town.
B: You're the Watcher, I just work here.
G: Yes, I must consult my books.
X: Oh, 8 minutes and 33 seconds. Pay up! I called 10 minutes before you'd consult your books about something.
X: We're your bosom friends, the friends of your bosom.
W: The other night I dreamt that Xander... Uh, it wasn't Xander. In fact it wasn't me. In fact, it was a friend's dream, and she can't remember it.
B: It is kinda late- or well, it is for me, anyway. What is it for you, lunch hour?
B: So... some of your cousins are in town for a family barbecue, and we're all on the menu.
J: Is there the slightest chance that if I asked you what was wrong, you would tell me? Of course not, it would take the fun out of guessing.
W: Angel stopped by? Wow. Was there, well, I mean- was it having to do with kissing?
B: Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.
X: Yeah, some stuff's about groping. It wasn't about groping?
B: Okay, hormones on parade here, it was pure shop talk. Remember vampires, pointy teeth, they walk by night, am I ringing any bells?
W: Cibo Matto? They're playing?
X: No, Willow, they're gonna be clog dancing.
W: Cibo Matto can clog dance?! Oh, sarcasm, right.
C: Oh, look, it's the 3 Musketeers.
B: Was that an insult?
X: It kinda lacked punch.
W: The 3 Musketeers were cool.
C: I see your point.
X: I would have gone with Stooges.
C: Did you guys fight any demons this summer?
W: Yes, our own personal demons.
X: Yeah, such as lust and... thrift.
B: I would have to go with Stooges also.
B: Cordelia, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it. This is never good.
B: You won't tell anyone that I'm a Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.
X: Now that was a good insult.
W: A little _too_ good.
A: What are you afraid of? Me? Us?
B: Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no us. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living.
B: Xander, did I ever thank you for saving my life?
X: No.
B: Don't you wish I would?
C: You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you?
B: As defending champion, are you nervous?
C: I can hold my own.
C: You know, we've never really been close, which is nice, 'cause I don't really like you that much....
C: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it.
X: Are we overlooking the possibility that she may be very attracted to me? ....She's possessed.
W: What would somebody want with Master bones?
X: A trophy? A horrible conversation piece?
PS: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a 6th sense.
G: Well, actually, that would be one of the five.
PS: I smell expulsion, and just the faintest aroma of jail.
B: We killed each other. It really promotes togetherness.
W: Well, what about the rest of the note?
B: The rest of the note?
W: The part that says, P.S.: This is a trap.
B: You know, being stalked isn't really a big turn-on for girls.
B: You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry. Is that an offensive term? Should I say 'Undead American'?
X: Buffy's about to blow. I think we should be trying to reach minimum safe distance.
X: I don't know what your problem is, what your issues are, but as of now, I officially don't care.
X: What are you going to do?
B: I'm going to kill them all. That ought to distract them.
G: Where's Buffy?
X: Dealing with her issues.
B: So, are you going to kill me, or are we just making small talk?
C: What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is? It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry-clean until judgment day, you are living with those stains.
JC: Yeah, that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat: The stains.
C: I hear you.
B: What am I supposed to say? 'Sorry I almost got your throats slit. What's the homework?'
G: Punishing yourself like this is pointless.
B: It's entirely pointy. I was a moron!
B: I put my best friends in mortal danger on the second day of school.
G: What are you going to do, crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life?
B: Would it have cable?
G: That was hardly the worst mistake you'll ever make. That wasn't quite as comforting as it was meant to be.
B: Well, points for effort.
X: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but gosh, we did that last night.
Colin: I hate that girl!