Dawn's XOver From Hell
or Badfic #3985
or How Many Can I Put in It?

by Dawn Steele
Copyright 1998

Explanation: There is no plot. Not really -- so you're going to have to deal. There *is* a teeny, tiny, *smidgen* of a general overlying destination -- but no plot. Each section was written off the cuff, with no real idea of who the next "guest stars" would be. Suggestions were accepted and even used in a few cases. This horrible monstrosity continued throughout the summer '98 hiatus, and was rapidly tied up the night of the 3rd season premiere.

The ending was inspired by Chris (aka Chaos aka Kiki) Kamnikar and her wonderful XOver Zine that came out this summer. Bug her. The chicken episode is dedicated to Tina. :)

And no -- I'm not putting up a list at the beginning of which fandoms were crossed, because (if you couldn't figure it out), the details are given at the top of the subsequent part.

Part 1

It was wet.

Buffy had never *dreamed* that there could be this much rain falling from the sky at any one time. Emerging from the bus depot, she faced down sheets of rain, and hordes of harried, hurrying people huddled under a mass of overcoats and umbrellas.

It was enough to send a nice young Californian girl right around and head straight for Arizona.

Since she didn't consider herself "nice" anymore, and felt as old as some really ancient person like maybe Giles... Buffy set her shoulders and forced her way onto the sidewalk.

She really didn't have a choice. She was here on a mission.


Part 2

Part 1 left with us having no idea what was going on.


Turning into an alleyway she spotted two men. They were fighting.

Fighting with swords.

In the @#$@ #$@#$!!! rain!

Warding off a flashback to the last swordfight she saw/experienced/was in, Buffy decided to just stand there and be a non-combatant for once. She had no way of knowing who was the good guy, or even if it was evil guy vs. evil guy (known to happen, but not usually in a non-Marvel universe).

One of the men was kinda... beige in an annoying sort of way. The kinda guy who was very careful in the gym to show you how fit he was, and always reminded you of the turkeys who tried to pinch your butt in the school hallways and who flunked math year after year. She was surprised that he didn't have a "so cool" ponytail, but he did have short black hair that was sorta greasy looking.

The other guy... had possibilities. He had short, curly, redish-brown hair that was now slicked to his head because of the rain, and he was wearing jeans and a black leather coat. Buffy liked leather coats (she had to restrain another flashback). He was a bit shorter than the other annoying guy, and looked young enough to have serious date possibilities.

Buffy checked her watch. She really should be going, but this was interesting.

The shorter guy was yelling something about the other beige guy trying to kill him one too many times.

~Oops! Wow. Guess I'm not the only one that gets into decapitation.~

The beige guy was in a couple of pieces on the ground, and ball lightning was starting to explode all over the alleyway -- with most of it hitting the redhead.

Definitely supernatural, but the beige guy wasn't disappearing so they weren't vampires. And she really *did* have to be going.

With a smile and a wave, Buffy slipped her way past the redhead, and on through the alleyway. Time to go.


Part 3

Part 2: Buffy's wandering down an alleyway after watching Richie wack Duncan's head off. (Highlander)


Buffy came up to the chain link fence separating one end of the alleyway from the other. She suspected it had been put there by some weird movie producer (there being no other reasonable explanation), but quickly scrambled up one wet, slippery side and down the other.

Unfortunately, she cut her finger on the sharp barbed points at the top.

Grumbling about the perils of getting caught in the jaws of destiny, she sucked at the few drops of blood that emerged....

And almost got knocked over by a really big, really tall, and really crewcut guy who looked like he ate steroids for breakfast, lunch and supper.

"Are you hurt?!" The weirdo (this would *never* have happened in Sunnydale where the weirdos bit first and asked you questions later) grabbed her shoulders and started patting her down. He was (get this) sniffing the air like some sort of bloodhound.

Buffy reacted the way she normally did to assaults on her person. The tall, overly muscled weirdo almost made it over the chain-link fence (almost). He crashed back onto the ground and looked like he hit his head *really*, really hard.

"Excuse me! Who do you think you are?" Buffy licked her finger again. The wound was almost healed. It was one of the few benefits of being the Chosen one (another was that her periods only lasted a single day [as a protective mechanism since smelling bloody wasn't a good idea when hunting vampires -- it really cut down on stealth-mode]).

"Actually, Miss -- he's with the police department."

Turning around (because she had been looking and waiting for the weirdo to get up and the voice had come from behind her just in case you couldn't figure it out for yourself), she saw another guy. This one had shoulder-length curly brown hair and was decidedly pretty.

"Oh, yeah? So why'd he grab me?" The rain was still streaming down, she was soaked, and she wanted to get out of this blasted alleyway (and section of the continent) as soon as possible.

"Well, um, ah...." He stammered (just in case you didn't know, although Buffy (and me) had no idea whether he stammered normally). "He's got a very *acute* sense of smell. Did you hurt yourself?"

"Just a cut." Buffy looked from pretty-boy, to the behemouth on the ground. Steroid-guy was now hitting his head (to activate the braincells inside) and looking very much like he wished he'd just attacked three men instead of her (because everyone knows that the odds for a starring character are better when the odds are against them). She looked again. "You with him?"

"I help him out."

*Yeah, right. I bet.* Buffy had been around. She knew sidekick potential when she saw it. With the behemouth's muscles and pretty-boy's hairdo, she bet the people who knew them (and about them) were probably having slash dreams.

She didn't want to get caught up in anything like that.

"See ya later."

Mr. Curly-hair was carefully helping Mr. Big-muscles up (and telling him not to get overenthusiastic around small pretty females since that's what he was there for [in both implied contexts of the sentence]) as Buffy ran down towards the end of the alleyway.

The end was in sight. She could see the light at the end of the alleyway. The tunnel of light, etc.

Now if only the person/being/body who was supposed to be there when she got there would actually be there (Buffy not trusting the fortunes bought for $5 on side streets very much)!


Part 4

Part 3 ended with Blair (is that his name? the guy who was offed in the series finale) comforting < g > the Sentinel after Buffy banged his head and rattled his brains. (Sentinel)


Buffy half walked, half jogged, and half ran to the end of the alleyway. She was getting very tired at always performing at 150% capacity, but Giles wouldn't accept anything....

~Giles~, Buffy thought, but was spared a flashback (since I'm not going to do them) by noticing that the rain was starting to taper off. Not *stop* mind you, but slow -- and this distracted her.

She glanced down at her Mickey Mouse watch that she'd picked up two days ago for a song (and a tap dance, but that's another XOVER). Mickey was smiling his eternal smile as his dislocated arms contorted in impossible positions. Buffy was just glad he appeared to be waterproof.

So! She was here. She was on time, and.... where the hell was the new plot development?

Suddenly!!! A sound, faint at first, but growing annoyingly louder as the seconds passed, started reverberating all around her. It was echoey, and weird and... a hockey theme? ~What's the hockey song bouncing off brick walls with ice nowhere in sight?~ It was getting *really* annoying and Buffy started to get a headache.

Buffy closed her eyes and leaned her hand against the blue wooden box that had appeared... appeared out of nowhere. She jerked her hand back, and walked around the outside. On the other side was a wooden door, and a small sign that told all and sundry that it was a "police box".

"Great! That's just what I need. Some supernatural cop coming after me for Kendra's death." She muttered. "I wonder if Snyder sicced them on me?"

Still -- this could be the person she was supposed to meet. Should the worst come to worst, she could always bonk them over the head and escape. She was good at that.

Buffy started pounding on the door. Hard. "Lemme in! Hey! Anybody inside?"

The door suddently jerked open, and a large head peered out. It belonged to a man with wildly curling brown hair, a big nose, and eyes that were.... they just were.

"Sorry! Out of order. Come back next Tuesday and I'll make sure I'm not here." With that, he slammed the door shut.

"What's his deal?" Buffy checked her watch again, but nobody else had showed, and this guy certainly qualified as strange enough for a guest star. She pushed at the door, and watched it swing open. It must not have latched properly.

Buffy stuck her head inside to check the box out... and pulled her head back out -- quickly. After hitting her own head a couple of times to make sure it was still attached and in working order, and going around the police box twice -- she opened the door and walked inside... into a very large room.

Mr. tall guy was on the floor, half under a circular machine that looked like it had been designed in the sixties -- by someone with a low special effects budget. Knobs and lights, and pull bars were everywhere.

It was a weird mix of computer gadgetry and pure show (I'm going to call it the control panel ... just because!). He was muttering and getting his helper (some short... some woman about the same height as Buffy) to pass him tools. She was wearing pink striped overalls and her shoulder length brown hair was straight in a way that was just coming back into fashion.

"Give me my sonic screwdriver, Sarah Jane. It's the stabilizer again. It has to be." An impatient arm waved into the air until she slapped a metallic object into his hand.

"Let's go to New York, you said. See the Statue of Liberty, you said. Visit some of the Yankie newspapers, you said." She bent over until her head was under the panel. "Are you listening to me, Doctor? Where are we?"

"If you knew how to read Gallifreyan, you could plainly see that we're in an unstable dimensional locality called Seacouver that self-destructed shortly after the invention of holographic television and computer generated actors. The TARDIS doesn't like it at all. Seems to be giving her an upset stomach."

"Hey!" Buffy yelled at the tall guy (who we now know is the Doctor, so I can drop the eupherisms). "You the person who's supposed to cast the spell to get me to my destination?"

Silence decended -- briefly.

The Doctor scrambled out from under the panel, still waving the sonic screwdriver about. "I don't care *what* dimension I'm in -- there is *no* such thing as magic!"

Buffy put her hands on her hips. "Yeah. Tell that to my boyfriend."

"But Doctor..." said Sarah Jane. "What about what happened last week when that Moderbian...."

"That was an energy being manipulating the quantum fields and using the electromagnetic spectrum to manipulate thought patterns. Nothing magic about it!"

Buffy was forced to crane her neck up to look at him as he stepped beside her. He looked annoyed, and then delighted as a large grin spread across his face. "Is that an original Disneyland approved genuine Mickey Mouse circa 1996?"


He grabbed it and undid the strap. He was halfway across the room before Buffy thought to thwap him. He just... he just wasn't thwappable easily. "It's a deal then! One Mickey Mouse watch for one trip to where ever you have to go as long as it's not more than 500 lightyears or three millenia away."

The sonic screwdriver whined, and Mickey fell apart. Keeping a couple of the components, the Doctor disappeared under the control panel again.

"I want my watch back! How am I supposed to tell when the next XOver part is due to begin? How will I tell if this mindless drivel ever threatens to develop a plot?!"

"Don't worry. The watch will still be part of the TARDIS a thousand years after you're dead. Surely that's a far better fate than being thrown out when the next cartoon character becomes popular?"

Buffy wandered over to Sarah Jane, and they spent a very unproductive five minutes trying to talk. Buffy was speaking 1998 American English, while Sarah Jane was speaking British 1980 English. The Doctor's handy dandy translation device didn't kick in because it was under the mistaken impression they were speaking the same language.

"So where do you need to be?" The Doctor, cheerful now, sweeping a couple of Mickey parts off his vest.

Sensing that this XOver part had gone on far, far too long, and that the fanfic writer's finger's were getting tired, Buffy wordlessly pulled a much folded mass of pink paper from her pocket and handed it to him. She would've said something more, but it had been eaten by a computer crash the previous evening and not rewritten.

"Don't you have umbrellas in your century? Quite a handy device, and..." The Doctor gingerly opened up the paper. "Hmph! The ink's run all over. Still...."

He pushed a couple of buttons, and the weird hockey theme started up again. A large crystal in a glass case started moving up and down.

Buffy could've sworn there was a small earthquake (although the Doctor told her it was only a small interspatial disruption anomaly). The Doctor handed her the paper back, and started pushing her towards the door. "Time to go. The Briggadier is waiting for us."

She was outside underneath a sunny blue sky before she knew what had happened.

"I dropped you off a little ahead of time so you could dry off. You look like a drowned rat." And with that complementary remark, he closed the door.

"At least I don't have a twenty foot crazy scarf around my neck ready to trip me up any minute!" She harumphed.

She was tapping her foot and waiting for the hockey theme to start up so she could wave them good-bye, when the Doctor popped his head out again. "And there *is* no such thing as magic!"

Buffy watched the blue box disappear into thin air like a magician's prize trick. "Whatever you say, Doctor."


Part 5

Part 4 had the Doctor drop Buffy off... where? (Dr. Who)

This one'll be short and sweet. The first few paragraphs are dedicated to California dwellers. ;-)


There were trees and vegetation everywhere! Miles and miles of jungle-like growth that freaked Buffy out more than a little. Palm trees were good, grass was okay... but all this stuff growing without anyone having to water it? Wiggy.

She thought back to the river of water that had fallen on top of her in Seacouver, and conceded that perhaps (just perhaps) not all the world had the same climate as California.

Buffy tripped over a tree root and sprawled on the ground. Since she was lying on relatively flat earth in a path of sunlight... she decided to take a break and let the sun finish drying her clothes.

Except... there was a black panther in the tree above her.

With a sound that out of anyone else's mouth would be considered a scream (but Buffy was beyond such meaningless expressions of inner turmoil), Buffy decided to leave the immediate area... fast.

After a couple of minutes, she lost sight of the panther. After a couple more, she started to relax.... until she saw a !#@$@$ huge eagle (she didn't know which type but it was BIG!) heading for her.

So she headed underneath some trees... and there was this snake that looked like it could eat her up and not have to worry about her getting caught in its teeth (at that moment, she really, really could have missed seeing that stupid "Anaconda" movie).

Deciding not to test whether the rubber-ball Slayer ability to shrug off injury was up to being squeezed to death, Buffy left and headed for a cave she had seen about a mile back. If she was lucky, it wouldn't be occupied.

Except it was... by this guy who was just pulling on a t-shirt (I *was* going to have him be naked on a bear skin rug, but... don't you think that would be stretching the limits of incredulity?). Except for the t-shirt and white shorts, the guy didn't seem to be wearing or have any camping equipment.

"Uh... hi." Buffy waved, and really hoped the guy wasn't a psycho. "Do you happen to know where I am? My ride dropped me off, and..."

"Hmmm?" He looked up. Nice sandy blonde hair, patrician features and a truly *dedicated* tan -- but (Buffy was sorry to see) his eyes looked kinda "absent".

"The place? Where we are? Like... on a map?" Buffy sighed. "Could you even give me the State?"

"Oh..." He said slowly. "I'm not... quite sure. It's been a long time since I was in human form. You jolted me out of some nice naps today."

"Me? When did I..." Buffy scanned him up and down. "You're not some sort of shapechanger are you? Man! You're an animal!"

"Hey! Just because my series didn't catch on, and I've been drifting since then is no reason to be sarcastic."

They scared at each other angrily.

Buffy shrugged. "Guess you can't help me."

"Well... I could go with you I guess. Keep you out of harm's way till we encounter the next town... and maybe you could call your agent about getting my series back on the SciFi channel?"

"No thanks. I can take care of myself." Buffy brushed a few twigs off her pants. "Besides -- I'm not very happy with my agent right now. Why don't you go back to napping?"

With that, she turned and left. Maybe, if she was lucky, the next person she met wouldn't have a tendency to change shape.

Stupid forests. Where the @#$@# was she, anyway?


Part 6

Part 5 had Buffy leaving an annoyed (if mentally absent) shapeshifter in a cave. (Manimal)


After walking for what seemed like forever, and munching on a few berries that had just been screaming "I may or may not be poison, but you're the Slayer, so do you really care?" at her.

Sometimes she wished she had actually read that stupid Girl Guide manual or even the Slayer handbook.

After a drink from a stream, Buffy piled a bunch a leaves into a semi-comfortable pile, and drifted off to....

*** .. ...

Giant trees were everywhere and the sky was pinkish-red. Buffy watched the marshmellow clouds hungrily and tried to figure out how she could get some to eat.

She started to hear this rather annoying little ditty in the back of her head. She couldn't remember the words, but... it was familiar. Something from her childhood.

The blades of grass that surrounded her seemed huge, but Buffy forced her way through. She finally made it onto a rough path, and started walking more quickly. She was getting closer to whatever was making the sounds now.

Mushrooms. There were mushrooms ahead of her. Spotted mushrooms with little doors cut out of them.

A blue demon wearing a little white hat came out from one of the mushrooms. He saw her, freaked, and started running away yelling out for his father.

More demons came out. More freaking out occurred, and they all started running for the other side of mushroom-ville. Whoever the old dude was, he'd been prolific... and just where were the *female* demons anyway?

With nothing else to do, Buffy started after them. Except.... with each step she was growing larger. The giant blades of grass diminished, and the trees suddenly seemed normal size again.

Then the trees shrunk even more as she continued to grow. Just what had been in those berries? This felt like a weird Alice acid trip. Looking down, she could barely see some blue dots running all over the grown in amongst bigger brown dots.

She *was* the Slayer. With a shrug, Buffy started stomping.

She didn't stop until all the blue dots had been vanquished and the remains scraped off on a handy boulder.

Feeling strangely better, although she didn't know why, Buffy scanned the sky. There! Over the mini-mountains ahead! Her destination!

Buffy started running, tripped over the Grand Canyon, and... ... ..


Knocked herself awake.


Part 7

Part 6: Buffy has a psychedelic reaction to eating some berries and dreams about rampaging in Smurf-ville. (The Smurfs)

(Um... certain details of this part may be inaccurate because it *has* been years!) < g >


Buffy was getting blisters on her blisters.

With every minute that passed, she cursed that stupid "Doctor" all the more. He *said* he'd dropped her off where she needed to go, but she had her doubts. She sighed and pulled out the pink piece of paper. It was getting ragged by now, and the soaking hadn't helped. Little pieces were falling out and she could hardly make out what was written on it.

Maybe it hadn't been *all* his fault. Buffy sighed again and shoved it back into her pocket. The sooner she got back to civilization, the happier she'd be. Thoughts of greasy hamburgers, dinky corner stores and plastic flamingoes kept her company. Civilization -- if only she could *get* to it!

Going through a strand of bushes, Buffy came upon a clearing. Right in the middle of it was a... a helicopter? There were people just standing around beside it, shooting the breeze while one of their number fiddled around inside.

There was a blond guy, and a black guy, and she wasn't sure, but she thought the one inside the helicopter had brown hair. They were all decked out in these gray overalls, and...

Waitaminute? A helicopter!!!!

Buffy pushed her way through and started running towards them. They could give her a lift! They could take her back to a city, any city, Buffy didn't care which. At this moment, she'd even be glad to see Snyder as long as she encountered him in a drive-thru! (Side-note: The Narrative Laws of Absolute Truth make it necessary to reveal that the image Buffy was picturing when she thought of Snyder in a drive-thru involved Principal Snyder sitting in a pink Volkswagon Bug and Buffy in a large monster truck creeping up behind him.)

"@$@$ %*@%!" One of them exclaimed. "We could be in deep *censored* here!"

"Hey!" Buffy waved. "I'm lost. Can you give me a lift?"

The black guy had scrambled inside, and only the blond one was left. He had a cheerful, almost cherubic face that now sported an apologetic frown.

"Uhh.... no."

"No? You're kidding, right?" Buffy pointed down to her torn jeans, and dirty sneakers. "This was a new outfit two days ago! I had to borrow my father's credit cards without permission to get these jeans!"

Blondie kept darting nervous looks at his companions, who seemed to be doing some last minute checks. "Well -- I'm sorry, but we're only supposed to fly in near-desert locations and use mostly stock shots. Technically, we shouldn't be in such a temperate climate but we were sneaking in a picnic break before we go and attack a super-secret, heavy-duty military base that isn't on any maps. If we rescued you, it would show up on our taped logs for the week. And we'd have to take you in our super-secret helicopter, and even though we've done it numerous times...."

"What? I'm not pretty enough to be the bimbo of the week? My mascara has started to run?" Buffy couldn't believe this. Right now, if she knew how to fly a helicopter, this dude would be toast.

He was backing up.

The helicopter was starting.

Buffy grapped a hold of the front of his grey jumpsuit, and pulled his face down to hers. Puzzled blue eyes looked apologetically into hers. "Do you want me to get tough, Blondie?"

With a WHOOSH! of displaced air, a rocket was fired. It exploded not forty feet away, and the jolt knocked Buffy to the ground. Blondie, released from Buffy's annoyed grip, darted into the helicopter and shut the door.

The helicopter started to lift off the floor. Buffy, (getting slightly p*ssed off by this point) jumped up and grabbed one of the long, flat helicopter feet. She was close enough now to see that some idiot had drawn a cartoon on the bottom of the helicopter. It was a cartoon wolf with wings and stylelized wind blowing its fur back.

That was stupid.

Buffy let go, and landed easily from the twenty-or-so foot drop. There was no way she'd get a lift from these turkeys. She was just about to give them an obscene gesture (that her mother *still* didn't know she knew) when the side door opened and an object fell to the ground.

It was a canteen full of water with a note around the outside fastened with an elastic. Buffy pulled out the note, and read it.

'Sorry. Town one mile North. Good luck.'

"Jerks." She looked around. "Which way is North?"


Part 8

Part 7: Has Buffy meeting and... saying goodbye to the Airwolf crew. (Airwolf -- the final season that didn't really happen unless you happened to like the new characters)


Despite her mother always telling her to never, ever, *ever* hitchhike... Buffy had, did and was now in the ratty old van to prove it.

"So... you normally shave little bald spots on your head, or is this, like, a self-image thing?" Buffy's tone was polite. It helped to be polite when you were sitting on canvas in the back of a rusty old van with four weirdos.

"Oh. Uh. No. Yeah. Maybe." Mr. Bald-spots proceeded to continue taking apart something with a lot of wires. He seemed pretty happy about it; maybe too happy.

"You bothering her! Hey!" The black guy with the chains and mohawk twisted around from the driver's seat and started shaking one ring encrusted finger at Mr. Bald-spots. "You want me to come back there and teach you a lesson?!"

The van swerved. The van swung. Hell -- it was *all* over the road.

"Get back to driving. He isn't bothering the pretty lady." This from the old guy sitting on top of a box and looking through what looked to be maps. He'd hardly looked up when Mr. Gold-chains had stopped to pick her up. Just gave her an appreciative almost-dirty-old-man-onceover and went back to his maps, papers, plans -- whatever it was. There seemed to be mountains with little elephants sprinkled on the outside of the paper.

He was also smoking this dreadful old cigar.

"Could you get rid of the cigar for a while? I'd like to continue breathing in this lifetime." Buffy coughed delicately into her hand and wished for an air freshener. Any kind -- she'd even take the stinky pine scented ones at this point.

"Now, pretty lady..." The Old Guy breathed out a couple of shaky smoke-rings, "you can't *truly* appreciate a good cigar till you've had one yourself." He pulled out another of the brown stinkers. "Here. Have one. I stole it from a military dictator in South America."

Buffy smiled, thought about what her mother would say, remembered that her mother had kicked her out of the house, thought about dying from lung cancer, and realized that with her potential life span -- she had a slight chance of surviving longer if she tasted bad. "Ok. Why not?"

Mr. Old Guy produced a wicked switchblade, cut off the tip and handed it to her. "Breathe in little puffs at first."

This hand reached out from the front seat, and magically produced a lit lighter. It was the pretty guy. The one she had managed to insult within ten seconds of meeting. Or rather, he had been *way* too open with his leering, and she had hurt him where men are vulnerable to *being* hurt while the others had been looking the other way. He hadn't spoken to her since.

She refrained from saying "Thank You".

This was it. The thing she had avoided through years of selective peer groups. About to take her first puff and start on a lifetime of expensive Cuban cigars, cigarellos and (in desperation) cigarettes.

Buffy brought it closer to her lips... and watched it fly out of her fingers when Mr. Gold-chains accelerated to three-g's. The faint sound of police sirens entered the back of the van.

The next thing she knew, they had swerved behind this big pile of weird yellow grass (why would anyone stack grass in a big cube and tie rope around it?) and they were ushering her out.

"So sorry." Mr. Old Guy gave her a merry smile. "The town's not far away now. Wouldn't want you to get into any trouble because of us...."

The door slammed. The van raced off.

And Buffy became aware of her blisters again.



Part 9

Part 8 had Buffy getting a brief ride from Hannibal and the crew. (A-team)

I'm not sure how many people have *seen* the following show, but... < eg >


What was it with this dirt road and wierdos?

Buffy spotted them coming down the road and reflexively stuck out her thumb -- and immediately wished she hadn't.

The motorcycle and its sidecar were an unusual enough sight but its occupants... almost defied description. And of course, this vehicle (unlike the previous 86) slowed down and stopped just ahead of Buffy in a swirl of dust and exhaust fumes.

The two (ladies?) were decked out in studded leather jackets, leather caps and thick prescription goggles to protect them from the wind. They were... (Buffy tried to think of a PC term but couldn't because in her California experience *everyone* was tanned and thin {with the exception of those women who had been pressured by society into purchasing added "thickness" to the chest region}) large, big, of obvious girth... fat.

"Just grab on the back behind..." the motorcycle revved, obscuring the name, "... and we'll give you a lift to town!" The voice boomed from the seat of the motorcycle. Two goggled heads turned towards Buffy, both sporting big, cheerful smiles.

Somehow, by breaking several of the laws of Physics, Buffy managed to get a semi-secure hold on the back of the sidecar... and they zoomed off.

In the next few minutes, Buffy learned not a smidgen of useful information about the town coming up -- beyond the fact that it had the best beef tongue and monkey's brains to be had on the North American continent.

It wasn't information she'd been looking for.

"Hey! Are you two from England?" The accent, even through the rattle of the motocycle, was unmistakable.

"Why yes, dearie!" The lady in the sidecar turned around and almost pushed Buffy off the back in her enthusiasm. "Just in the Colonies for a brief photo shoot for our show, and then we'll be gone! Have you ever been to England?"

"No!" Buffy shouted back. "My... the librarian at my school's from someplace in England -- Rupert Giles!"

The motorcycle wobbled. Both heads turned towards her. The stare... was unsettling.

"You don't say." The lady in the sidecar said. "Rupert...." She giggled. "More British than the British? Glasses? Brown hair? Tendency to live his life in old tomes about demons and such?"

"You've met?" Buffy tried to imagine where (bed & breakfast? aunts?) but couldn't. "Where?"

"He was tracking down an old recipe book that was supposed to contain spells of culinary enchantment and... other interesting charms. We just happened to have it in our kitchen." She smiled again. "How is dear little Rupert? Still delving into the Black Arts?"

Buffy shivered uneasily, and then smiled back. She didn't sense any malice here. "Probably. He was... alive the last time I saw him."

They had been driving past a few houses, and the motocycle stopped in front of a small corner store. The lady on the motorcyle put it in neutral.

"Here you go! You should be able to phone someone from here. We're on a tight schedule or we'd take you along."

Her legs wobbling, Buffy cautiously get her land-legs back. "That's all right. I'm not sure where I'm going anyway."

The motorcycle engine revved and the lady in the sidecar turned to Buffy. "When you see him, tell dear Rupert that he has a great set of buns!"

And they drove off into the sunset... or at least to the nearest butcher shop.


Part 10

Part 9 had Buffy getting a lift into town with the Two Fat Ladies. (Two Fat Ladies)


Buffy was halfway to her destination when she realized she was being followed. The fact that she did indeed *have* a destination she attributed more to blind luck than the lift that Doctor guy had so "kindly" given her. Sticking her miles outside of town when she could have headed off in any direction?

Back to the "followees". Buffy speeded up and darted around a couple of poles. Yup. They were following her. The mini binoculars and the slowed-down bicycling were dead giveaways. Still... it was daylight and they didn't seem *too* dangerous. So she continued walking.

The curio shop was straight ahead. She was just about to reach for the handle when she heard a screech of brakes and dust flew in the air. Buffy turned and automatically shifted into a fighting posture, hands held ready.

It was her mini-watchers.

"Do you follow around people for fun, or do I have a bulls-eye painted on my back?" Buffy relaxed slightly when they didn't attack and placed her hands on her hips.

"Um..." The carrot-head shoved an elbow into the dark-haired boy's side. A move that was ignored as the other boy stared intently at her. "Well... um... Marshall! Tell her!"

"You're not going to believe me. No one ever believes me." Marshall (i.e. the dark-haired boy as if you hadn't guessed) looked downcast but determined. "The mystery machine predicted a demon-killer would arrive in town today... and well -- you arrived."

"Huh." It never failed. "Demon-killer?" -- Maybe she *did* have a bulls-eye painted on her back. "Do I *look* like a demon-killer?" Maybe she could get out of this one by playing innocent, then take in some dinner and maybe catch a nap at the local youth hostel.

"We've been *waiting* by the laundromat *all* afternoon!" Carrot-head said. "We thought you might be after the demon who been stealing the socks, but we got..."

"Quiet, Simon!" Marshall waved at his companion to stop. "We thought that... Well -- we thought we should warn you that Mr. Jenkins is a vampire." He pointed to the curio shop window. Inside was a little old man with wire glasses. He was puttering around the shop, dusting and straightening up objects.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "In case you hadn't noticed, I'll give you a clue. It's daylight." She waved at the clear blue sky and pointed at the window. "Daylight. Sunshine through window. Vampire go *poof*! Maybe *no* vampire?"

Besides -- she needed something in that curio shop and didn't need the local police office after her for "dusting" the curio shop owner.

Carrot-head (i.e. Simon -- but carrot-head is *so* descriptive) pulled out a thick, black-bound notebook and started ruffling through the pages. "But... we have proof! See on June 28, we saw..."

"Quiet, Simon!" Marshall reached into his backpack and withdrew a carefully sharpened stake.

Buffy took a good look at it. The kids weren't fooling around. A nice fire hardened stake like that took a serious amount of effort. She knew stuff like that.

"Here. Let me have that." Buffy snatched it out of Marshall's hand, and slipped it (point-down) into the back of her jeans. Then she turned around and entered the shop.

Bells rang.

Mr. Little-Old-Man turned and got his first good look at her. "Hello, my dear. How can I help you?"

She withdrew her mangled pink paper and showed it to him. "I'm looking for one of these. Do you have it? I know they're pretty rare, but..."

"Of course! Just a second."

He disappeared into the back, and Buffy checked out the interior. Plenty of yard-sale junk with a few decent looking items. In fact -- hadn't she seen a statue like that one against the wall in her mother's museum. Something about... demon-worship?

Rats. Or rat-demons... mice-demons? Vole-demons? Nope --probably rats.

Mr. Little-Old-Man returned carrying a small box. "I found it in the storage room. It will cost you about..."

Buffy ran her fingers down the face of the ugly little statue. It was warm. "How much is this?"

"I'm sorry -- that's a display item."

Yeah, right. "Oh."


Buffy shrugged. Long question periods were never her strong suit. "So if you're a vampire, and this is a statue of some rat-king, like -- how come you're not bothered by the sunlight outside?"

Mr. Little-Old-Man turned into Mr. Little-Old-Man with yellow glowing eyes and a latex-looking face. He smiled evily (it being no longer possible for him to smile innocently). "Xsfactum protects me!"

He attacked. Buffy swung her stake. He went poof... and Buffy wandered outside with her new item. She took it out of the box, and stuffed it into her front pocket. The straw scratched slightly.

Simon was staring at her adoringly. "Wow." He jabbed Marshall in the ribs again. "Wow."

"So, like -- strange things happen here?"

Marshall shrugged. "*All* the time." He took another look through the window. "I don't suppose you're sticking around? We could use a demon-killer around here."

"Nope! Gotta get to my next destination..." She checked the street. "Could you direct me to the bus depot?"

Simon tucked his shirt into his jeans, and smiled. "It would be *our* pleasure!" He grabbed his handlebars and started walking down the street. Buffy and Marshall followed.

Marshall smiled slowly. "Sure. Say... the bus doesn't leave for a couple of hours..."


"There's an ogre who lives underneath the underpass. Would you have time to take care of him?"


Part 11

In Part 10 -- Buffy meets up with Marshall and Simon in Eerie,Indiana and picks up a small object from the curio shop. (Eerie, Indiana)


"You look like you're on the run."

Buffy sat up swiftly. She'd been sitting down on a stool, slumped against the wall, waiting for the bus to arrive and dozing at the same time.

There was this guy sitting on the chair next to her and looking at her with curious interest. He had short brown hair, graying at the temples, and... the kindest eyes Buffy had ever seen in her life.

"Um..." What should she say? That it was hiatus and she was on the run while Joss babbled on about goats and naked mice? Nah -- too unbelivable."No. Nobody's after me." She hoped.

"You can be running even if no one is chasing you... physically." He sighed.

Buffy thought about what Marshall had told her about the town of Eerie. It seemed to attract strange beings -- just like Sunnydale. For all she knew, this guy could be another demon (Buffy thought about the eyes and scratched that notion) or an alien or something (a fairy? a psychic? an accountant?).

"Well... the police aren't after me and I'm going *to* someplace..." If the bus ever arrived. "... and not *from* someplace." Of course she *had* left Sunnydale on short notice and without telling Giles, or her Mom, or Willow or Xander or even (Buffy shuddered) Cordelia. "I just got lost in the woods for a while and ripped the clothes."

"Did you hurt yourself? There's a good medical clinic in town." He checked her out (in a purely nice-guy, non-sexual way, so get your minds out of the gutters -- this is a *feel-good* XOver part!).

"A few scrapes... and major blisters." Buffy pulled off her sneakers and winced. It seemed like she got another one just as the first one was healing.

"You should take care of those..." Mr. Nice Eyes was suddenly all worried and concerned. He had a very expressive face.

"I got some band-aids from the attendant. Don't worry." This guy reminded her of her father, except not quite as jolly. Definitely concerned in a parental sort of way. "Do you have kids?"

"Just one. My son, Scott. He's coming on the bus to visit us for a while."He smiled again, almost goofy with happiness.


"My wife and I. We settled in this town a few years ago when things...some other conflicts were resolved, and Scott went away to university."

"That's nice." What to say? Hope your life stays good even if mine's in the crapper? Buffy sighed and wished... for something to happen.

"There's the bus!" Mr. Nice Eyes stood up.

"And that's my bus out of here -- nice meeting you." Buffy started walking over to where the bus had pulled up. There was already a short line of people waiting to get on.

Suddenly she felt a weird tingle in her feet. They got all warm and itchy and... Buffy turned back to where Mr. Nice Eyes was still waiting by the chairs. He had a small glowing blue ball in his hand that he was staring at. He noticed her looking at him, and shoved the ball into his pocket, smiled and waved.

Still finding herself alive, well, and feeling okay -- Buffy decided to ignore the incident. She waved back.

Buffy was sitting on the bus (fourth seat from the front,good view of the television set hung from the ceiling) when she saw another young guy with brown curly hair walk up to Mr. Nice Eyes and give him a hug.

The bus was pulling away before Buffy realized her blisters weren't hurting anymore.


Part 12

Part 11 had Buffy meeting up with a certain friendly alien before hopping on the bus. (Starman)


The fight wasn't her fault -- really!

Okay, so maybe she had tried to calm it down after it had *already* started, but it wasn't her fault those two arrogant pushy little rednecks were on board. They reminded her of a couple of bad eggs.

So the initial insult had been ignored, and they'd continued beating up on this guy. Buffy had gotten up to protect him, and the bus driver had thrown then both off the bus.

Now this guy was sitting on the side of the road... chanting.

"Ohmmm......" The man was of average height with short dark hair, and an intelligent manner. Buffy didn't know why those two had started pounding on him, but he was going to have a couple of wicked bruises.

"Hey, mister?" Buffy walked up behind him, and poked him in the shoulder." That bus ticket took my last cash so I hope you have some way to make this up to me."

"Please-go-away-I'm-feeling-mad-and-trying-to-calm-down.... Ohmmm....."

Hmph! Buffy walked over to where the man's backpack had been thrown and used it as a prop against her back. There weren't many cars on the road. Hitchhiking could be a tricky proposition.

She was halfway between a pleasant daydream (containing chocolate, a hottub and Drusilla in chains waiting to be toasted by the rising sun) and falling asleep when she heard this screech.... she looked up. There was a huge *bird* with a nasty looking beak starting at her from a branch only ten feet away.

"Is this an omen or something? Am I on the correct path? Is Elvis really dead?"

The bird screeched again and flew off. Along the way, it (how can I put this delicately) emptied its bowels and hit a bulls-eye on Chanting Guy.

Mr. Chanting Guy stopped chanting. He reached up and got a glop of the gloop from his hair.

Buffy snerked. "That's supposed to be good luck, you know."

He started growling, and pounding the ground. Strange things started happening -- it was something out of a steroid-takers fantasy. Muscles grew, and his clothes ripped as the form beneath became too big to contain them. His hair got thicker and stood on end. And -- the now seven+ foot behemouth looking at her angrily... was green.

He shrugged off the remains of his shirt, and walked towards her. A small tree, unfortunate enough to be in his path, was ripped out of the roots and hurled like a javelin into the air. Greenie was looking p*ssed off... and still had a glob of bird sh*t in his hair.

Buffy, being Buffy, decided to fight. Punches were thrown, beautiful high kicks were executed... and ignored. She did, however, get to practice her rubber-ball impersonation when she was thrown up against a really big (and hard) tree.

Buffy wanted her cross-bow, or her mace, or her elephant rifle. Not having any of these she got up and started throwing punches. A memory of Giles explaining how there was a proper time for retreat flickered through her mind -- just before she was thrown twenty feet through the air and hit a very big rock, very, very hard.

She decided to take a brief nap.

When she woke up, she was a little surprised to find all her limbs attached and in mostly working order. Her jeans had a couple of new rips and were looking extremely fashionable.

Greenie was no where in sight. Buffy wandered over to Chanting guy's backpack, and started ruffling through it. Jeans, t-shirt, shirt, purple jeans... she checked the jean label. "X-tensions! The brand that guarantees to grow with you!". There was also a little black notebook in the bottom of the pack. She started to reach for it, and....

"Could you hand me a t-shirt please?"

Buffy whipped around. There, not five steps away, was the Chanting-guy -- in jeans even more ragged than hers, barefoot and with no shirt. "Are you going to turn green and growlie again?"

He sighed deeply. "Not if I can help it." He shrugged, philosophically. "It's a curse. I'm working on it -- the meditation usually helps defuse the anger."

She handed him the pair of purple jeans and a Godzilla t-shirt. He went off to change, and Buffy had a good think.

He seemed nice enough (now that he wasn't green and angry), and she couldn't hate a guy for being cursed to turn into a demon -- but maybe they should hitchhike *separately8 .

After he returned, they had a short talk. In the end, he gave her a couple of granola bars as an apology for whatever he did while he was green, and Buffy started walking half an hour before he did.


Part 13

Part 12: Buffy met with mild mannered Banner and was knocked unconscious by a big green guy. (The Incredible Hulk)


So this guy starts walking with Buffy, and she's thinking...~maybe this isn't a good idea?~ But he was nice and seemed harmless, slightly weird (but so was she), and with that curly long brown hair he was probably gay (Stereotypes being part and parcel of her life).

They were both walking by the side of the road, waiting for the next inevitable car to swoop by, jeer in their faces, and take off.

The last one had thrown a half-empty (and thus half-full) six pack in their direction. Buffy was consuming, the guy (she had forgotten his name) was consuming. It was nice. He wasn't getting after her about consuming. Which was also nice. Even if he *had* dropped a couple of comments about it being nice that prohibition was over now... and he didn't look older than (Buffy giggled again because this was funny) Giles.

"Mom would be like, *so* mad if she could see me." Buffy hiccuped, and took another drink. "If she only knew all the *stuff* that people brought to the parties I used to go to in LA...."

"Oh." He smiled at her. "Do you want the last one, then? I haven't had liquor in over forty years and my tolerance is shot."

"Oh." Buffy thought. It was hard. Her tummy had been very, very empty and the booze had hit her very, very fast. "Let's feed it to the flowers."

Ceremoniously, he pulled the tab and fed it to a small bushel of daisies.

He stuffed the empty into his backback. "Gotta recycle or it's going to be one of the steps that will dissolve the world into chaos and bring on the end...." His voice faded off. "I came back to prevent it, but I can't remember if I did or not."

"Did what?" Buffy was staring at the moon. It was full. If she was in Sunnydale right now, she be talking with Willow on the phone and bemoaning the fact that Willow's boyfriend was chained up in his basement. Suddenly, she was homesick.

"Save the world. I can't remember the end and my series got cancelled after only 13 episodes. Do you remember?"

"Nope. We're still here though."

"Oh." Harmless Guy drank the last bit of his beer.

A blue corvette with base paint marring the surface came screaming by, headed towards then as if for a hit and run, and then continued on.

It was turning into a beautiful evening. Good beer, no bears, good conversation, no demonic possessions, good ... something. Oh yeah -- good new-shirt that she'd gotten from Chanting Guy before they'd split. It felt soft and clean.

Buffy wanted a shower, and a visit to a salon. She wondered if her roots were showing. It was only in hindsight, when you were (literally) in the middle of nowhere, that you regretted that last round of hair lightener.

"Oh." Buffy pointed at the sky.


"A UFO." It was kinda neat looking. Built more like a stealth bomber and less like a frisbee.

"@#@$@ @$@!" Harmless guy took off while Buffy was (kinda muzzily) watching.

This big ray of light came down and picked him up. After Harmless Guy was eaten, the UFO took off.

Buffy shrugged. She had a better chance of hitchhiking without him along anyway.


Part 14

Part 13: Buffy gets tipsy with a old young guy. (The Visitor)


Buffy was walking alongside the highway again. She was starting to get really annoyed at this. Couldn't she get lost in a city? What was it with all these trees and *bugs*? She hadn't known that there were so many types that wanted to suck her blood.

After the fifteenth time of using her Slayer-super-reaction-speed to kill an annoying mosquito... it just wasn't interesting.

So when the old black transam with the carbon-dated 80's haircut guy inside stopped to give her a lift, Buffy accepted the ride.

The inside of the car was kinda neat, with a whole bunch of lights on the dash. The 80's guy had black curly hair, was taller than... than old whathisname, and a half-open shirt under a leather jacket.

"Going far?" Mr. Leather asked.

"Maybe. When's the next city coming up?"

Buffy watched the scenery outside pass by speedily and sighed in happyness. Life was good and Mr. Leather's car had comfy leather seats.

"About an hour. Are you meeting someone?"

Buffy gave him the "look" and sighed. "Yeah, sure I am. Green toads rain from the sky, and if you try anything with me, you won't know what hit you. The past couple of days have been hell, and the last thing I need is some retro freak hitting on me."


He blinked.

Buffy stared out the window.

"I can assure you Miss, that my friend has no intention of 'hitting' on you."

The voice was smooth, cultured... and didn't belong to Mr. Leather.

After a brief inspection of the car to assure herself that no demons were *visibly* inside the car, Buffy fixed him with a patented Giles-stare.

"You a ventriloquist?"

He just smiled and patted the dash. "That's my car. Here..." Mr. Leather flipped a switch, and then leaned back and closed his eyes.The car ignored the hands that were resting limply on the wheel and continued driving smoothly around the turns in the road. He yawned deeply. "Sorry.I've been up for the last two days on a secret mission."

"Wow. I thought these sucker's wouldn't be out until 2012...You ever see Timecop?" Buffy opened the glove compartment, or rather tried to. It was locked. With a little judicious force, it opened up to reveal the car manual.

Buffy started flipping through it. She looked over at Mr. Leather, who was sound asleep.

"Say -- car? This says here you can do over 300..."

"The current road conditions and curvature prevent me from safely exceeding speeds of more than 273... and my name is KITT."

Buffy noticed that this red LED display went up and down with the voice. It was just like her stereo system. "So, like, let's do it.Show me your stuff. Impress me."

There was a pause, and then Buffy felt herself pressed into her seat as multiple G-forces forced her back. The scenery outside turned into a blur.

"Who-hoo!" She peeked at the dash where the numbers were flickering between 271 and 273. The car manual she was reading was starting to get *really* interesting when... the car slowed down.

"The city is just up ahead, Miss. Where would you like to be dropped off?"

"The bus stop, I guess." Buffy sighed. "Don't suppose you'd like to dump Mr. Leather, and go with me?"

"My current situation is satisfactory."

Mr. Leather sat up and rubbed his eyes. "You shouldn't have let me fall asleep, KITT."

Buffy rubbed the dash board in a friendly manner and put the manual back. She hoped he wouldn't notice that the glove box lock was broken before she was long gone.

"Thanks for the ride!"

She got out of the car, and waved them off. If she was lucky, she could sneak on a bus without paying and not have to resort to a Kendra-like stunt and hide in with the luggage.

Of course if she was *really* lucky, the author would write in some sort of lottery windfall and she could stop travelling in such a crappy non-stylish way.


Part 15

In Part 14: Buffy meets up with a certain speedy black car... and gets to break the speed limit with Kitt. (Knight Rider)


Buffy hadn't taken the bus.

So what if it had taken her over four story parts just to get there? Opportunities like this didn't knock every day. She'd been waiting at the bus station and trying to find some way to get comfortable in the very uncomfortable seats when she had... overheard this guy making arrangements for a limo to be dropped off.

He was also trying to line up a chauffeur. This was prooving to be more difficult. Who would think that the organizers of the Mai Tai International Society would line up all the drivers in advance of their big bash?

She'd initially noticed him because he'd gone into the bathroom wearing a nice leather jacket, nicely fit jeans and a scruffy appearance. No -- he hadn't reminded her of her last bloodsucking boyfriend... the hair was too short. Besides, this guy was ancient. Probably nearing forty. Although he *did* seem to be in good shape....

So anyway, he'd gone into the bathroom looking like an older candidate for a motorcycle club, and emerged looking like he bought motorcycle companies for breakfast. Buffy knew what a tailored suit looked like. She'd been to enough "let's dolunch" places when she'd lived in L.A.

Buffy tapped him on the arm. (She would've tapped him on the shoulder, but the guy was *tall* and she didn't want to look ridiculous). "Hey, Mister...."

He stopped talking and turned around. For a nanosecond, Buffy wished she'd pocketed a stake. Close up, he had an intense stare, and a face that could easily be cast to play Satan.

Then he smiled, and Buffy got the impression he was now just a friendly rich-guy. "Yes?"

Buffy grinned and whipped out her driver's licence. "Have card, will travel. I'd be happy to drive you wherever you want today in return for a small monetary contribution."

He gave her an assessing look, and peered a little more closely at her licence. Buffy moved her thumb over her class rating. "You know how to drive a limo?"

"Sure." How hard could it be? She'd driven Giles' old heap without the world threatening to end more than once or twice.

"I've got an important meeting in an hour. You're not dressed as a chauffeur." His dark eyes twinkled in amusement.

"So we stop by a shop on the way."

After a couple minutes of negociation, they agreed on a bargain. Buffy even offered to carry his silver suitcase, but he refused.

They settled into the heavily tinted limo, and Buffy soon had them moving in and out of the traffic. Quick reflexes were good for more than just staking vampires. (There is a small subplot involving Buffy trying to move the car seat forward, and a gremlin hiding under the seat -- but it was resolved without much ado.)

Newly outfitted, Buffy drove... and drove... and drove. They criss-crossed the city for hours while her passenger met with one mysterious group after another. In between meetings, Buffy would drive to the next while Dark Eyes worked on something in his silver suitcase.

The sun had just gone down when he slipped into the backseat for the last time, and loosened his tie. He had a smug expression on his face.

"So... you just close a big deal?" Buffy was already anticipating a big tip. A little money in her pocket, and she'd *fly* to her destination. Buses were for wimps (and people living in out of the way places where other types of transportation are unavailable -- but we won't get into that pet peeve).

"Just setting up a little surprise for and old enemy of mine." He grinned again. "A certain unethical corporation is going to run into some roadblocks in the next coulple of weeks."

"Anything illegal that I'd be forced into doing something stupid and good-guyish because of my membership in Superheroes International?" Buffy whipped out a second card for the day from her wallet. This one sported a picture of her in her hunting clothes carrying a stake.

"No." He pulled out his own card from the same organization. This one showed him in all his crew-cut glory and pictured a weird looking building in the background. If Buffy didn't know better, she could've sworn it was a water treatment plant covering as a super secret evil organization.

"Oh. Guess that saves us one needless battle."

Dark Eyes snapped his suitcase shut, and picked up his second (more conventional) bag. "Excuse me... do you mind looking forward for a minute?"

A couple of sneak peaks into the rearview mirror determined that he had a couple of other moles to match the one underneath his right eye (not that Buffy was *really* ogling or anything).

The next thing Buffy knew, he had changed clothes and now gave the impression of a blue collar worker out for his evening beer run. "I'm not going to need the limo anymore. Here..." He handed her his wallet. "Use whatever you want. The limo's rented for the next week, or you could trade it in for another car."

Then he was gone. Buffy opened the wallet. There wasn't any identification inside anymore, but it did contain *quite* a few greenbacks.

"Yes!!! I should've complained to the stupid fanfic writer before!"


Part 16

In Part 15: Buffy meets up with a guy who has *no* problem switching identities, gets hired, and ends up with a bunch of money. (The Pretender)


Buffy was cruising the roads in her bright red Miata. She'd used the money to spring for some new duds and had switched the limo rental for something a little sportier. The tunes were pumping out of the CD machine, andshe'd put the top down. The wind was blowing through her hair, and she had a picnic lunch packed in the trunk.

Nothing could ruin her day.


She ignored the car tailing her for the last twenty minutes because was going to ruin her day. Nothing!

Not the ground shaking, not the sound of helicopters getting closer -- and not the roars of what sounded like a T-Rex high on testosterone getting very, very close.

When the pavement split in front of her, Buffy swerved to one side and pulled off the road. "@#$@#$!!!"

She was just in time to see a green scaly foot that was over twenty feet long step onto the pavement just in front of her. Buffy looked up, and up, and up. There was a giant lizard lumbering across the road, and it was swinging wildly at the helicoptersthat that were buzzing him, her, it (whatever!). They had what looked like extremely nervous camera men hanging out and madly videotaping what they probably thought was the story of the century (or was that millenium?).

An immense tail swung, and Buffy threw herself down into the car. A whoosh of air streamed over her, and the whipping sound of the car antenna jerking rapidly back and forth told her how close she'd just come from being Slayer-pate.

What was she going to do? Buffy considered her options. On her favour was her considerable (if she said so herself, and since no one else was around -- why be modest?) Slayer strength. On the other hand... The monster that looked like a 200+ foot overgrown T-Rex seemed *very* perturbed.

Beyond calling a good psychotherapist (or the pound) and asking the monster if it wanted to talk and calm down a bit -- Buffy didn't know what she could do.

Then she remembered her new cell phone.

And a few favours.

She *was* in the middle of nowhere anyway.

A few phone calls later, the helicopters were veering away. The big lizard started to scratch it's head and calm down -- and Buffy was speeding down the road very, very, very fast.

After all, in these sorts of situations there really was only one course of action. She turned up the volume a bit more, and put the pedal to the metal."Nuke 'em from orbit," she whispered, "it's the only way to be sure..."



Part 17

In Part 16: Had Buffy nearly being swished by Godzilla. (Godzilla)


There was a flaming wreck on the side of the road.

After flying past it (driving only *slightly* above the speed limit), Buffy screeched to a halt and reversed until she was just outside what she considered a safety margin.

Climbing out of her red Miata, Buffy pulled off her sunglasses and crept closer. "Hello? Is anybody here?"

A closer look at the car revealed what could have been bullet holes spotting the outside, but no charred remains on the inside. "Great. I hope they're in one piece because Giles always took care of the first-aid details...." On the other hand, there *were* the maybe-bullet-holes.

She cautiously started walking around the area, peering around green bushes and checking for footprints. In a couple of minutes, she found a man (slightly singed on the edges) just getting up and dusting off his pants.

"Wow. Like -- what happened?" Oops. Buffy thwapped herself for giving in to her Valley roots, but like a shaken-up pop, it just spilled out sometimes.

Beautiful (magnetic, clear, cerulean, etc.) blue eyes focussed in on her. He ran a hand through springy brown hair, and then reached into his jacket. He pulled out a wallet and flipped it open. A shiny star was revealed. "U.S. Marshall -- I was in pursuit of a very dangerous man. Do you have a fast car?"

"A car chase?" Buffy considered her options. She'd never had a chance to be in a car chase before. Tons of foot chases after evil monsters, but even if she had wanted to, Giles' car had never been up to the challenge. "Yes!"

And then she had to jump into the passenger seat when he tried to take off without her. How's that for polite?

"I've never met a U.S. Marshall... Are you guys better trained than the Feds? What do you do anyway?" After a pointed look in her direction, Buffy pulled on the seatbelt.

"My job is to go after escaped prisoners that cross state borders..." They were pulling closer to an old souped-up black corvette. "Work cooperatively with local police..." He started swerving as someone in the passenger seat leaned out and started firing. "Normally, I use my wits rather than get into firefights..."

"We must have a different director today."

This was proven when he tossed her his gun, and Buffy got to start firing back. It was something out of a Sylvester Stallone movie (pointedly so when Buffy kept on firing and never had to reload).

She got lucky and managed to hit a tire. The car ahead of them spun out and swered off the side of the road. Dust clouded the air, and a rather short fist-fight ensued. Buffy was enjoying the chance to use her fighting skills again... and the Marshall (despite his avowal of fighting) did just fine.

"You'll never take me back alive, MacBride!" Considering that the man who'd spoken was now handcuffed, and lying on the ground (and the XOVER part is almost over), we can assume that this was pointless boasting.

Buffy handed the Marshall (or rather MacBride) back his gun,and repaired the damage done to her hairdo. "That was fun."

"Hmm... Have you ever thought of getting into the police business?" MacBride had started stuffing the two fugitives into the back of the corvette.

"That's what my career computer test said, but I'm not thinking that far ahead right now. Have to finish high school first, and that could be..." She shrugged,"whatever. Buffy checked over her red Miata. It had escaped the car chase without a scratch.

"Thanks for the assistance, Miss." With a tip of his non-existant hat (and a decidedly non-awkward, non-plot problematical asking for her identity for his paperwork), he climbed into the front seat of the corvette. "Here's my card. Let me know if you ever need a reference."

With a swirl of dust, he was gone.


Part 18

In Part 17: Buffy helps McBride capture a runaway criminal.(The Marshall)

This part is for Tina -- because I promised. < eg >


Buffy wasn't thinking about the coming season. She knew that before she had a chance to prepare herself, she'd probably find herself working for tips at a crummy diner, having nightmares about Angel and having to go back to Sunnydale to rescue the Slayerette (At least, that was what the last TV guide had predicted). And, of course, she'd have to face her mom again.

But that was in the future... around the 29th or so of September. Right now she was (still) enjoying the zippy use of a small red Miata and cruising the backroads of America.

Somewhere in the backpack she'd picked up was the small little item she'dfound in Eerie, Indiana. She didn't know quite what to make of it, but also knew that it (along with any other plot points) would probably be resolved in a part on the 28th or 29th -- so it really didn't matter.

Dust from the dirt road flew behind her, and was laying down a fine layer of silt all over Buffy and the interior of the car, but Buffy didn't want to put up the car top. If she put up the car top, she wouldn't have such a magnificent view of the clear blue sky, the clouds, that hunk-a-muscle-in-blue-tights-flying-overhead...

Buffy's eyesight was pretty good. She could make out the little, tiny pair of red speedos he was wearing and the way the cape flared nicely around his....

She sped up, and considered the fact that they appeared to be on an interception course.

When Muscle Man landed in a small farm yard off the road, Buffy pulled in. It was pure curiosity of course -- no other reason. With the exception of that case with the flying carpet, she'd never met anyone who flew.

Shaking off the dust that covered her, Buffy walked towards the farmhouse. The house was old and a bit run down, but she heard voices in the backyard -- so she headed back there. Unfortunately, Muscle Man wasn't talking to himself... there was someone else there -- a woman.

"But I *love* you! Doesn't that mean anything anymore?" Muscle Man sighed and looked a bit dejected.

The other woman was dressed (quite impractically) in a white silk evening dress, had short black hair... and was tenderly cradling a white chicken." But what about the chicken?"

"We'll have her for Thanksgiving."

"No! No! No!" She turned her back on Muscle Man and cradled one hand over the chicken's head as if to protect it from his words. "You just don't *understand* how I feel -- no one does anymore."

"Lois! That's not really you talking -- it's Lex' last attempt to get at you using a love potion..." Muscle Man crossed his arms across his impressive chest, and lowered his voice. "I've got half a mind to turn it on him when he's in the same room as a love-starved jackass."

Lois (the woman in the white evening gown) started pacing."I still love you... I think, but I can't agree to go back to Metropolis without little DeeDums here. I just *can't*!" Tears started to flow silently down her cheeks.

Muscle Man was still considering his options. "Would DeeDums have to come into the bed with us?"

Buffy, who had been watching the whole scene with more than a little amusement, decided to make her presence known. "Ahem! Excuse me..."

The red cape flared and Buffy got a much closer look at the red speedos as Muscle Man turned towards her. She stared at the shiny black hair, the deep blue eyes, the...

"Yes? What do you want?" He sounded more than a little grumpy.

"I might have a solution to your problem. Do you have any of the love potion left?" Considering that the last time Buffy had been under a love spell, she'd spent a good portion of time being a rat -- she felt it was very nice of her to offer to help.

He reached under the yellow belt and pulled out a small glass tube filled with blue liquid. Buffy hadn't noticed a bulge (or at least not *there*)and wondered how he'd hid it. "Oh... Ah... Oh yeah!" She leaned up (way up), and whispered into his ear.

With a blur of movement that reminded Buffy of *another* guy in red tights (rather than blue ones), Buffy found herself 1) holding a chicken, 2) watching Muscle Man sprinkle some of the potion on Lois, and 3) having to stand there while the lip-lock of the century took place and she wasn't a part of it.


When they finally unclenched and turned towards her, Lois didn't even really look at DeeDums. "How can I thank you? Everything's so *clear* now..."

To Buffy's eyes, Lois looked even spacier than before, but as long as Muscle Man was happy....

"Yes, Miss. Is there anything I can do for you?"

Buffy considered her options. Considered her daydreams. Considered her fantasies. Considered that he was probably part of a PG-13 show..." That's okay. My pleasure."

With a WHOOSH!, they were gone. Buffy carefully rocked DeeDums, and walked around the back to find a whole cage of chickens. Opening the latch, she tossed DeeDums in.

"Bye DeeDums. Watch out around Thanksgiving time...."

Noticing a small half-filled glass vial lying on the ground, Buffy picked it up, recorked it, and put it in her pocket. You never knew.


Part 19

In Part 18: Buffy met up with Superman and Lois Lane in the midwest. (Lois & Clark; The New Adventures of Superman)


When the large round glowing thingee suddenly appeared in front of the car, Buffy was driving *slightly* over the speed limit.

In a weird (and short because I promised not to do flashbacks and this is an exception) flashback, her driving instructor appeared in the passenger seat and reminded her (yet again) that one of the consequences of excessive speed was that it dramatically decreased the length of time you had to stop suddenly.

Then Buffy drove straight through the flat disc... and found herself in Hell.

At least -- it looked like Hell. There were demons cavorting and waving colorful party sticks, elevator musak throughout the background, and the sky couldn't seem to makeup its mind what color it wanted to be.

The car (predicably enough) soon ran into something it couldn't run over, and stopped working. Buffy got out and started to walk.

After a couple of brief encounters with the demons, Buffy learned that they could be killed if you chopped off their heads *and* tore their hearts out. She also learned that most of them would run away when they got a climpse of her. They kept screaming out something when they saw her, but she couldn't figure out what it was (diction and proper pronounciation is *not* a demon specialty).

The walking sucked -- especially after having the miata for a while. At least she had the water bottles that she'd tucked into the trunk and some food.

Time passed. Buffy walked. More demons ran away.

She was bored. At first she thought she might run into Angel, and that had caused her to hurry, but after she realized just how *large* Hell (or whatever) was... she started taking her time.

Eventually, (all roads in Hell leading towards the head honcho) Buffy got to the castle. It was pretty, and sparkly; white and with a *lot* of very pointy towers. It looked like something out of a dream.

"Like the castle? I got finished it."

Buffy started (she did *not* jump!) slightly. There, just around the bend, was a blond girl about her own age who was sitting on what looked to be a red picnic table and eating an apple.

"Who are you?" Buffy held her hands ready but tried not to be *obviously* in a fighting posture.

"I'm the boss here." She tossed her straight blonde hair back. It moved like she'd just gotten out of the salon, not a hair out of place. "The chief, the bad guy, the person-in-charge, the one they all run from, etc."

"How'd I get here then? There was this white thing that ate me and my car, and..."

"Oh -- like this?" Blondie threw her apple core away, and a miniature disc just like the one that had eaten Buffy appeared in the air to swallow it. A smirk came over Blondie's face. "One more in Marvel's lap... like they thought they could make *me* a helpless kid again and get away with it."

"Yeah. Just. Like. That." Buffy was now in fighting mode. There was something about Blondie that made her want to tear her into little pieces. Unfortunately, the killing urge seemed to come and go. It was driving Buffy nutty.

"I needed some raw material for my castle. Conservation of mass and all that. I probably picked you up when I was getting some asphault for the parking lot." She shrugged. "It's boring down here... I have to wait until I grow up again, and there's only so much fighting and killing you can do when I'm not practicing Magyk."

"You better put me back right away or I'll..."

A faint gleam of interest sparkled in Blondie's clear blue eyes. Her form shimmered, and most of her torso became covered with a sparkling silver armor. A large sword was now in her right hand. Its edges... moved as if it was on fire. She smiled. "You'll what?"

There was a fight of course.

Buffy had the advantage of speed and strength, but Blondie had her armor and a sword that Buffy couldn't knock away. They were both getting their exercise (and probably enjoying the fight -- not that they'd ever *admit* it or anything), until....

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Buffy backed off, and realized that they were now surrounded by a couple hundred demons of all sizes and shapes. They were still waving what looked to be party sticks, and a lot of them had pink or purple party hats that looked like they'd been glued to their heads.

"You realize," Blondie panted, "that if you win, you're stuck here in Limbo and have to be in charge, right?"

"I would?" Buffy's hands wavered. "I don't suppose Angel's here?"

Blondie smirked. "Not in this reality."

"Oh." Buffy stepped back, much to the dismay of the crowd.

Boos and yells quickly faded as Blondie turned around and *looked* at them. The demons dispersed quickly.

"Could you send me back?"

Blondie shrugged. "Sure. Why not? I feel pretty human today. Where do you want to go?"

Buffy pulled out a *really* ragged pink piece of paper (I bet you thought I'd forgotten, hadn't you?) from her pocket. She pointed to the bottom. "I *really* have to get there fast, and finish this up -- can you do that?"


Then the floor ate Buffy up, and she was gone.


Part 20

In Part 19: Buffy accidentally meets up with Majyk, aka Illyanna Rasputin (of Marvel New Mutants fame) in Limbo.


When Buffy opened her eyes, it was only to find that she was in a rumpled bed with a tall, dark haired stranger... and she wigged. Considering what had happened the last time she'd been in a bed with someone, she figured she deserved it.

So she freaked and jumped out of the bed to yells of displeasure. Tall, dark and kinda cute woke up, and also scrambled out of the bed (wrapping the sheets around him. Somewhere in another room, a dog started to bark.

"Who are you?!?"

The question was asked simultaneously, and both fell silent afterwards. Buffy found that she was still clenching her pink information sheet with a death grip. Cutie seemed more interested in covering the maximum amount of bare flesh than attacking her, and whats hername had probably goofed on where she had pointed her round teleporters.

Looking semi-respectfully *away* from the bare chest, Buffy thrust forward her paper. "I just got "dropped" off -- am I in the right place?"

Rearranging his grip carefully (Buffy was starting to wonder if he *had* anything on underneath...), he grapped it. "Sorry, Miss. You're in Chicago." He hesitated. "Are you in any sort of trouble?"

Buffy shrugged, and sighed. "No more than usual. It looks as if I'm going to be late."

"Oh. Um..." Cutie pointed to the doorway. "Do you mind going into the living room while I get dressed?"

When Buffy closed the door on the other side, she found herself staring at a very large, very white... german shephard? Whatever -- it seemed pretty friendly. Buffy offerred it one of the chocolate bars from her backpack and they settled down towards becoming friends.

"He gets indigestion from those."

The first thing Buffy noticed was the color red. Then there were the high black boots (they seemed *awfully* familiar... maybe she had a set in her old closet), and then the neatly cut hair, and the cute face and ...

"You're a Mountie?" She stopped short, "what are you doing in Chicago?"

"I'm working at the embassy." Cutie walked over to the kitchen and pulled out a bag of dog food from a cabinet. He poured some into a large plastic bowl and set it down. The dog ignored it, and continued staring soulfully at Buffy.

"It looks like I'm out of luck then.... if I can't get there today, everything's going to be messed up." Buffy started patting the dog.

"Hmm..." He pulled out a cellphone from somewhere. "Maybe I can help you out. Dief seems to like you..."

The next few minutes were a very confused overheard conversation. Buffy could hear some of what the other man was saying when he *really* raised his voice "... found her where? ... No Ray, she hasn't told me her name yet. ...drive her to where she..."

Cutie held the phone away from his ear while the guy on the other end continued shouting. Then there was silence. "How about you pick us up in half an hour?" More shouting, and then grumbling, and sent silent acquiesence. Cutie put the phone away.

"It looks as if we can drive you." He turned towards Buffy,and held out his hand. "My name's Constable Benton Fraser -- and I'm happy to be of assistance."


Part 21

In Part 20: Buffy lands in Fraser's bed, and he offers to drive her to her destination. (Due South)


Buffy rode in the back seat of the green car with Dief, who, as she'd been informed, was in fact a wolf, and not a white german shephard.

Dief-the-wolf-not-the-german-shephard gracefully accepted her offering of nacho chips along the long trip.

The two men in the front seat seemed to have no trouble at all bickering the entire way to their destination. The only tricky bit was when they hit the border, but they were waved on through. They made a *slight* detour to catch a glimpse of Niagara Falls, but Buffy figured they had the time.

She was three years late anyway. Maybe. She *thought* she was. Time was supposed to be linear, right? But that fortune teller had been *so* sure...

The weird little drawing on the back of the pink paper had turned out to be a (rather bad) set of directions, and they made decent time after Fraser figured out that they had the map turned upside down.

They'd left Dief in the car, and gone exploring. The door to the loft was open, and they wandered in (although I should point out that Constable Benton Fraser *was* pulled in protestingly, but was convinced by his buddy that they had "just cause").

When Buffy saw the Spike look-a-like (except a bit older and balding and *okay*, so the hair was brown now...) holding the big stake against a kneeling blond guy that looked vaguely familiar, she moved into action and threw Spikey against the wall. He came back at her with fangs drawn, and she picked up the stake off the floor. It made a perfect javelin.

Spikey looked surprised, amused, and then appalled as he started to crumple into dust. He had *just* time enough to mutter the final words, "Who switched universes on me?" before *POOFING* and "settling" down onto the carpet.

Buffy got out of fighting stance slowly. Surely that wasn't it? Finito? What she'd spent twenty (or so) story parts trying to do?

Constable Benton Fraser was performing CPR on the brown-haired woman that was lying on the carpet, while his buddy Ray was on the phone calling an ambulance. The blond guy... was staring at the carpet with a *very* shocked look on his face. Every once in a while he'd do a little bunnyhop as if he was trying to fly, and then he'd start muttering.

She tapped him on the shoulder. "You all right?"

"Um." He turned baby blue eyes on her. "You killed him. You killed him, and I can't fly anymore." Blue Eyes looked *really* confused, and *really* "Blond". "What am I supposed to do now?"

"Forget about the TV movie?" Buffy shrugged. It was no longer her problem. The XOver had grabbed a thin hold onto an even thinner plot, and she was running out of time. "What year is it anyway?"

"Spring, 1995."

Buffy started to swear. "It was that Blonde Witch I met in Hell -- must've sent me back through time." She walked over to Ray. "Was your show on the air in 95?"

Ray looked startled, and then thoughtful. "I think so. First season maybe. Why?"

Exclamations of relief, and then concern made Buffy move across the room. The brunette woman was now awake and weakly pushing Constable Benton Fraser away... or at least she was until she got a good look at him. "You... saved me."

"Oh... Ah... Well..." Fraser was about to make more excuses when... he didn't. The two of them stared at each other with growing interest. "It was my pleasure, Miss."

Blue Eyes was starting to protest that someone called Natalie was supposed to be in love with *him* as Fraser carefully bundled her up and helped the ambulance attendants load her into the ambulance.

Ray and Buffy watched them leave.

Buffy absently noted that the front pocket of her jeans was damp. The vial of love potion must have broken in the brief fight. She decided not to worry about it. Constable Fraser seemed like a nice guy, and Blue Eyes reminded her of someone she'd met recently... Someone who had flown off without a by-your-leave and annoyed her (not that Buffy really held grudges... much).

"1995... 1995... Arg!" Buffy was still mad over the situation. "Here I go and save the day and I'm going to be 21 before I get to graduate from High School. I'm supposed to be having my season premiere tonight! What a gyp!" She swung her backpack back on and a small doll fell from the still open back pocket. "Hey! My forgotten plot piece."

It was a small straw doll with a smug expression drawn on its face and a tiny little black dress. "I wonder how this thing works..."

Buffy bent one of the doll's arms forward... and disappeared from the story (yeah, yeah, I know "Anne" is premiering tonight -- but I don't think she would've been *that* anxious to get back if she had known how Joss was going to write her.)

"Hmm. This is the end of the story, so I wonder if..." Ray started scrambling through his pockets. "I wonder if...Yes!" He triumphantly pulled out a couple of tickets. "Maple Leafs, here I come!"

Ray Vecchio looked around the empty loft just before shutting the stairway door, and noticed the faint covering of dust all over the carpet. "I wonder if there's a dustbuster around here?"


In Part 21/21: Chris Kamnikar can be blamed for Natalie and Benny falling in love (read her fantastic Xover zine), and this can (strangely enough) be counted as a "Last Knight" fixerupper since it deals with the events at the end the last episode of Forever Knight.


The End (till next hiatus!)

Hope you enjoyed it. I enjoyed writing it. ;-)

Back to SunS Fanfic.