Perri: Us! They want to know about us!
Kiki: Why do they want to know about us? Are they stalkers? Are they strange? Do they want to arrest us? Did they hear about the tour group we stranded in the nebula last cycle?
Perri: If they hadn't before, they have now, Ms. PR.
Kiki: Ooops. Forget I said that.
Perri: Okay, so I'm Perri and she's Kiki -- owners, proprietors and your Obnoxiously Cheerful Tour Guides through the Uncharted Territories. And we have this job because... Well, basically it's all Kiki's fault.
Kiki: < blink > I'm not admitting that. But, it may be more my fault than other people's....
Perri: Did you, or did you not, call me at 11:30 at night to inform me there was a cute guy onscreen with his shirt off?
Kiki: It was 11:10.
Perri: Oh, my mistake. Sorry.
Kiki: But that's not important. What's important is... there was! And you would have never forgiven me if I hadn't called.
Perri: Still, the fact remains that it's your fault.
Kiki: No, it's Ben Browder's fault. He took his shirt off! Not me!
Perri: ... True. Very true. Which means we blame it on Ben Browder.
Kiki: Yup. And Claudia Black, for kicking his butt.
Perri: And Zhaan for being deeply cool. And Crais for being such a popcorn-worthy villain. With an evil ponytail.
Kiki: A very evil ponytail. And Pilot, for having an attitude problem, and D'Argo, for growling a lot. And Rygel for ... being squishable.
Perri: So, basically, we were goners from episode one.
Kiki: I protest. I was not. Not until 'Throne for a Loss', with all of them beating each other up in the jungle. Then I was a goner. It was too much fun.... < gigggle >
Perri: Oh, please, you lost it right along with me in 'Exodus from Genesis' when Crichton was informing Aeryn she wasn't allowed to die.
Kiki: But, see... see, y'know, I was keeping something in reserve! Just in case it wasn't that cool next week. And then I didn't see next week.
Perri: Yeah, yeah, yeah.... Keep telling yourself that if it'll make you feel better.
Kiki: It does, so I will. And I'm not the demon web coder, Kemo Sabe.
Perri: Welll.... still, the web page was your idea. I'm just an innocent victim... well, volunteer.
Kiki: [chortles at the idea of Perri as a victim of anything]
Perri: Hey, it could happen. I still have no clue how one innocent little idea mutated into a tourist's guide, though.
Kiki: Anyway, they wanted to know about us! We could tell them the truth... but why tell the truth when we're not getting paid for it? We can do so many better things with our time.
Perri: Absolutely. We can make up stuff that's much more fun.
Kiki: Except for the not getting paid part. Unfortunately.
Perri: So, here's the not-truth about us!
Perri comes to TGUT from the Peacekeeper Commando Corps, having received a medical discharge (she conclusively proved she had a working brain). In her free time, she likes to hotwire leviathans and Corvettes, free small planets from enslavement (any cute males who choose to express their undying gratitude may do so) and play zero-gee star hockey with close friends and enemies. Her favorite part of being a tour guide is "the opportunity to meet so many new people -- and get them hopelessly lost in space. Without the silly robot." She has a web page called Neon Hummingbird, but it's a scary place. Be careful.
Your Tour Guides and Another Satisfied Customer
Kiki's species has yet to be classified, but it is illegal to feed her caffiene in five systems. Her hobbies include torment, chocolate (an Earth delicacy), blowing up small media satellites, hijacking bigger media satellites, and reading ancient esoteric texts in the hope of picking up cute librarians. Her favorite thing about being a tour guide is "the munchies. Plus, the cute guy tourists in Bermuda shorts. And no shirts." Kiki doesn't have her own web page yet, and it probably won't be all that helpful even when she does.
Abby was sucked into TGUT when Perri and Kiki came to her planet and dazzled her with pretty-bright-shiny objects. Needless to say, she's never been able to find her way home. If you meet up with her pet, Chia, please feed it. Her favorite part about being a tour guide is all those sexy men with their big, black eyes and shiny, grey skin. Yes, she has a thing for Thor.